Friday, February 27, 2009

Go Fighting Globeans!

First off, I'd like to congratulate the Globe editors on retooling my food-stained napkin scribblings into something halfway coherent. When I write my blogposts I have a proofreading lemur (it's one of those really smart lemurs, okay?) at my disposal. I was worried that, without that luxury, the staff would be completely flummoxed by my strings of swear words and textspeak. Give them a big hand for their hard work and patience!

And wouldn't you know it? Some other dweeb wrote a similar "look at the positions of the other side, aren't they a scream!" letter, from the opposite side. BOO! HISS!

Who's the victor here- Dan Walters with his dripping sarcasm and way cooler title (seriously, "philosophizing rascals" is the best title ever, no contest), or me, with my excess verbiage and killer looks? Since I'm too lazy to to put a poll up, let's do it like this- if you like my letter better, say so on my letter's comment page. If you like Dan "the Dope" Walters more, say so on his comment page.

And to exclude those who aren't aware of the poll, be sure to work the phrase "turkey burgers" into your comment so we know who sent ya.

Have fun, kids!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I Challenge You to a Non Sequitur-Off!

Have I compared Jim Keener to Steve Goebel in the past? If I haven't I must point out that Keener out-goebeled Goebel today. I mean, what the hell? What. The Hell.
What the hell what the hell what the hell.

Is it a comment on air pollution? A scathing critique of Exxon-Mobil? A sharp jab at the business practices of American automotive industries ? Maybe he just found the joke on his Laff-A-Day desk calendar and simply had to share it?

I didn't know you could just rip out a page from your daughter's "Gross Jokes for Kids!" book, add some sentences that erect a pale fa├žade of a point, and then get it published in the newspaper.

"What can you get at the new McDonald's that's green on the inside, white on the outside, and hops? A frog sandwich. When you think about it, they've gotta be kidding us."

Or maybe, just maybe, the joke is on us. THINK ABOUT IT DUDE.

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Meanwhile, I have a bone to pick with Kathy Heger, or at least the first two sentences. Graham's artcle was basically a giant stringy shit on the Republican noise machine. That's what we call "partisanship", not "bipartisanship."

Unless "bipartisanship" is a sneaky new euphemism. I hope so. I'm really sick of each side pretending they care what the other side has to say. It's pathetically phony.

Also, stop trying to reason with the Crowellmiester! We love her just the way she is.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Happy Happy Joy Joy

You know what's awesome? Full mobility of your arms is awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ft3xuGv3d08

(bah I can't embed videos)


I was so stoked I even sent an actual letter to the Globe instead of slinking around in the inky shadows of cyberspace, angrily mumbling to myself. Time will tell if this was or was not a horrible idea.

Back in college I had a classmate who I affectionately dubbed Sabrina the Catholic Witch. She was this old chain smoking woman who didn't let her Catholic faith interfere with her tarot card reading and other myriad wacky New Age beliefs. Imagine Rita Crowell and your average freshman Wicca convert having a drunken tryst and somehow siring a child. She was very patronizing and quite possibly a compulsive liar.* The worst part was that she took her beliefs VERY SERIOUSLY, which was compounded by the fact that her belief system was a nightmare hybrid of two mutually exclusive but equally obnoxious religions. You didn't know when she would solemnly agree with you or when she go completely apeshit as you danced between the two.

Anyway, this letter reminded me of her. Although this guy doesn't really sound that bad. I just found the blend of vegetarianism and Catholicism jarring. And I really wanted to share dirt about my goofy classmates. Next up- mumbling Libertarian serial killer man!

Meanwhile, reading this letter I realized that I didn't recognize two of the famous people in the list of Famous People Who Weren't Killers. A thought crossed my mind- did Charles C. Smith have trouble coming up with people to honor that weren't squeaky clean enough to prove his point?

Then I thought, "maybe I'm just stupid."

However, then I thought, "Hey! Didn't my man Truman dropped a fucking atomic bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki?"

Then I was like, "You know what? Whatever." And then I played Syberia for two hours and fell asleep.

*she was engaged to at least five millionaires, but she rejected them all because they were all drug addicts, and married a trucker instead. For serious you guys.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Rudy, dude...

...you know I enjoy chortling over the fact that the Repubs have to compromise their core schtick and embrace progressive trappings in order to survive as much as you do.

That being said, please get your facts straight.

Also, "a bigot and a racist", is a pinch redundant.

Also also, while non-whites and women are currently accepted by the Republicans as tokens, they're still pretending that their gay members don't exist. Log Cabin Republicans anyone?

I quibble because I love. And hate. And are indifferent to. Hell, I just like to quibble regardless of the situation or persons involved.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Team I-Don't-Give-a-Damn-About-Twilight

Yesterday I asked for more leftist fare than usual. Ask and ye shall receive.

Ed Goebel is apparently a misanthrope like myself; the only difference between him and I is I don't think he's aware of it. There's also a pinch of misogyny; you will not find nary of whiff of the real issue at stake (bodily autonomy, kids, write it down). Instead it's all about overpopulation. Although overpopulation is a concern in its own right, when you fail to make women's rights the number one priority regarding abortion it makes your philosophy little different than that of China's, or even your home-grown pro-lifers for that matter.

Also note that according to Ed, women should only reproduce on a sliding scale proportional to how patriarchy-correct they are. Single mothers are allowed X amount of kids, while those comfortably situated in a June Cleaver nuclear family are allowed X+ children. Choice in the matter? What do you think you are, an autonomous being that doesn't deserve to be chastised?

Meanwhile, Crowell's fresh out of Harry Potter and Golden Compass, so she's settling for the next best thing. She forgot the bullet point that said "one instance, lasting the whole of the book, of badly written wish fulfillment."

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Thou shalt remember Glenn Beck's time slot, and keep it holy.

First off: I know I missed a bunch of letters, including some good ones, bad ones and ones advocating vigilante dogkillers. I've been fucking around with my new computer been really busy with stuff.

You know what I hate? When someone criticizes something, and then you criticize their criticism, and suddenly the other person's all like "Oh, you're trying to silence dissent! What do you have against criticism, Herr Comrade Censorpuss?"

Don't you hate that? It's complete horsecrap and you both know it, but the other dude pretends not to because he's a disingenuous little weasel. If anything, you like criticism twice as much as the other person, since you criticized his critique. It's a double critique; a metacritique.

Anyway, today's letter has a good example of that (last two sentences- the rest of the letter is just the straws that the Republicans grasped during the election). It's a response to this guest column, which was not only not crazy but delivered some much needed mental sucker punches to the Know-Nothing readership.

Mr. Ronald Eurit , let me bring you up to speed. No one is censoring you. They are just calling you a hypocritical pig-ignorant dumbfuck. There is a difference.

The concept of the Fairness Doctrine (which isn't really as "equal-timey" as either side would have you believe; google it!) terrifies conservatives, and I love it. It shows how much they REALLY like criticism.

Finally, check it: the second sentence does the "YOUR president" thing again! Geez!

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Speaking of the Fairness Doctrine, what does it have to do with Christianity? I must've missed that commandment.

Of course, I've been asking the same thing about abortion, but they've been ignoring me and that pesky Exodus 21:22.

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Military stress causing suicides? Blame Clinton.

Damnit, I thought this was a new progressive era. When are the leftwing nuts going to start writing in? I want someone advocating Atlantis or UFOs, or something!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Hate More, Earn More

Rita Crowell knows who's to blame for the bad economy. Is it the banks, overly eager to lend money? Average Joes and Janes, spending money that they don't have?

Nope! It's the damn queers!

Up until this point I didn't realize that financial security was inversely proportional to how evil you were. This explains why Rita Crowell is the richest person in the entire midwestern United States.

I also wonder what the poor straight people did to deserve to be sunk with the money grubbing butt pirates. Maybe they didn't beat up enough queeros with baseball bats, or gang rape enough lesbians, or split up enough families for no goddamn reason.

But seriously though, I fucking hate these people and wish they would die. Hey, maybe if we all hate homobigots and worthless GOP scumbags with all our might, the economy will right itself! That is what Rita was saying would help, right? More hatred?