Sunday, May 31, 2009

Worst Timing EVER, Hazel

Seriously.

I wonder if the women who benefited from Dr. Tiller's services appreciate being called heartless monsters? You know, the women who very much wanted a child but due to the cruel, mindless machinations of nature (dare I say, God?), were forced to terminate to save their lives?

Does the condition of heartlessness prevent someone from gunning a doctor down while he attends church with his friends and loved ones? If so, than Hazel Blakenship, eat my heart out.

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This letter's ok, but I have to ask, what's so "politically correct" about buying from thrift stores? When I think of those words I think of infuriated privileged man-children having to deal with people different than them; that or Captain Planet. When I think of thrift stores, I think of art students, hipsters, poor people and miserly frugal types.
Admittedly, those aren't No-Spin Zone White Dudes, so they may very well be PC. I guess everyone and everything that isn't, is.

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Torture apologists know that there was no excuse for what happened, so they have to make up imaginary what-if scenarios instead.

"I want you to imagine that you were sucked into a time vortex that sent you to the time your parents first met. Now there's another suitor vying for your mother's carnal affections; unfortunately the only person who knows the suitor's identity is an individual that belongs to a race of sentient Marsupial People. This individual also has a time machine, but only plans on using it to travel to the future to eat puppies. Knowing that this creature is not technically human and that if you fail to act you will never be conceived (and also countless litters of adorable Boston Terriers will be boiled and eaten), would you be so reluctant about waterboarding then? WOULD YOU?!?"

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Dammit People!

Stop writing sensible letters. That is NOT how we do it.

Here, let Steve Goebel show you how it's done.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Happy One Year Blogiversary!

To celebrate, I’ve taken my personal favorite letters and letter writers from this year and narrowed them down to the best of the best.

It’s time for the First Annual Time Honored Joplin Globe Madness Awards-- the Peggies! Look to your left and let's look at the categories:

Best Frequent Letter Writer

Riley T. Jay -- He of the mixed up priorities.

Rita Crowell -- I seriously considered not nominating her; she has the unfair advantage in both the cuckoo-ness and the sheer volume of her letters.

Jim Keener --Token lefty, unless…

Steve Goebel --is one too. I think he is, but he never makes any goddamn sense so it’s hard to tell.

Dan Walters and Allen Shirley -- They’re being nominated together because they’re both interchangeable dittoheads.

Best Guest Column

Richard La Near: The Douchey Professor

Cindy Sigler Dagnan: "Stacy's mom had got it going on-- by 'it' I mean 'the destruction of American moral values'."

Paul K. Butler: "Boot camp is exactly like waterboarding!"

C. Keith Sigler: "You can't just quote from the Bible if you're going to quote the Bible."

Arthur L. Strobel: "Seriously? You have a chink holiday on the calendar?!?"

Best Letter

Alberta Anders: "There’s too much homosex on TV, so I’m going to stick with Ellen."

Carol Thomas: “Hide your white babies from Obama!”

Karen Clark: "The only women that deserve rights are Sarah Palin and me!

Burney Johnson: "Bear-A-Geddon!"

Verlin R. Snider: "My common ancestor was a clod of dirt."

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You can vote until the 15th. Let your voice be heard my friends!

Monday, May 25, 2009

Aryan Awareness Day

I know, I know, Germans aren’t really intolerant Nazis anymore. But seriously, look at this shit and tell me that wasn't the first thing you thought.

"One of the great strengths of the United States is from its diversity! Therefore, I propose we set a day aside to honor the most common variety of white person! Perhaps we can undo the harm done when we set aside calendar dates for squint-eyed chinks that can't even speak English. Do most Americans go around saying 'ching chong ding dong' and eating dog soup? I didn't think so. WHITE PRIDE!"

I mean seriously, what the fuck is up with that last paragraph?

Sunday, May 17, 2009

The Ol' Switcheroo


Nobody believes in a god.

A man may say that a god created everything. In so saying, he forgets to mention what, or who, created the god.

Such a man may say that the god had always existed. By this statement, he is acknowledging that special creation is not necessary to set things in motion. Therefore, his insistence that everything has to have a creator is false even in his own worldview. Of course, this is not an actual natural phenomenon, this god. It is a giant bearded dude that lives up in the clouds and plants dinosaur fossils to fuck with people’s heads.

Whoever believes in an omnipotent sky patriarch smiting people for putting their wees-wees in the wrong place has serious issues. If a man is a product of an abusive, psychopathic specter that somehow always agrees with everything the believer thinks, then everything about him is avoiding anything that may challenge his worldview. His body, mind, all of his thoughts, words and actions are in submission to this phantom. He cannot of himself make any decision or intend or propose anything. He cannot do anything that intelligence does. Therefore, he has no intelligence.

If a man’s thoughts, words and actions are just parroting Sky Daddy, then that man cannot be held responsible for anything he does.

The figment of the imagination known as religion is simply irresponsibility in a thin disguise. It should not be taught to children or to anyone else.
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Suck on it, Burney. But I'm glad the bears didn't get you.

I'm out of town for the week. Stay vigilant!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

WE MADE YOU. WE CAN DESTROY YOU.

That martyr of intellectual freedom, *snort* *chuckle* Miss California, is under attack, and leaping to her defense is this "people exercising their freedom of speech to criticize her are stifling her freedom of speech" letter by Randy Dale.

Let's see what we got here:

1. He's got lots of gay friends! Seriously!

2. Also, you gay folks apparently should be grateful to straight people, since they were so nice as to allow you to exist. The least you can do is let them deny you dignity and legal protections, and maybe let them beat a few of you folks to death with baseball bats every once in a while.

3. One man, one woman marriage (that's based on mutual attraction and not arranged as a business deal) is a "tradition as old as language and civilization"? LOL WHUT? (hint: the most traditional marriage throughout humanity's history would be one man, several women, and what most Americans think of as "traditional marriage" is a pretty recent invention.)

4. Last sentence: "If people like Paris Hilton had their way, we would be subjugated to a gay Taliban enforcing gay culture!" Double Globe score! Honestly, a gay Taliban sounds a million times better than the religous homobigot one we have now. Do we get fetching rainbow turbans?

Also, do you think he meant to say "Perez Hilton"? I like to think that he did.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Pass the Pabst Blue Ribbon, Riley T-Dog

The Kaje is back for a limited time only. Things that were neglected in my absence:

Holy balls, is this guy comparing boot camp to torturing false confessions out of people? And Riley too? I figured from the gay rights debate that conservatives have little use for the concept of “consent”; but I didn’t know they knew absolutely nothing about it. I know! Let’s ask Senator McCain and other soldiers that were tortured by foreign forces! Maybe they can tell us the difference!

Another letter from Riley T. Jay made me notice something: calling everyone else a “conformist”, going out of his way to be different at all costs…MY GOD! He’s not a moralizing nutbar- he’s an INDIE HIPSTER DOUCHE! And a really ironic one, I must say. Kudos, sir. You even fooled me.

You may remember Dan Walters as the guy whose letter got its ass kicked by mine. He’s also crazy, sexist, and elitist. I think he’s saying that the 25% of Americans that are abysmally stupid are like pretty girls, and everyone else is an ugly old feminist that secretly hates them because we envy them. Not because they’re huge stupid sexist racist bigoted assholes. It’s because they’re better than us and we’re jealous. I guess.

And what the fuck is a “positive nuisance award?” Is he saying that Gloria’s actually right? Does coherency have a liberal bias now? Everything else does.

Finally! The tea baggers did not go unnoticed by yours truly. If you visit Scott Meeker’s blog, you may have gotten a taste of my totally choice letter that was TOO HOT FOR THE GLOBE. Here’s the rest:
It’s only been a few weeks and it seems that the media has forgotten the nationwide Tea Party. You can only accomplish so much by marching in the streets and teabagging the White House. It’s time to fight!
I have taken it upon myself to form a Southwest Missouri chapter of Fight Increasing Socialist Taxes (FIST) Forum. This organization encourages FISTing-- assertive and effective techniques to raise awareness about the current government’s liberal taxing policies. These include such strategies as letter writing, organizing boycotts, civil disobedience and twittering; plus simple assertiveness training. You can look us up on Facebook, MySpace and Twitter; or you can visit our website at fistforum.com. I encourage all true Americans to FIST with their friends and family!

For the record DO NOT ACTUALLY GO TO FISTFORUM.COM. Unless you're into that kind of stuff. Kaje don't judge.

The one year anniversary of the blog is coming up! Mark your calendars for the 26th, and brace yourselves for AWESOMENESS!

(by “awesomeness” I mean “an interactive poll or a quiz or something”)