Joplin Globe Madness

JGM has moved or ceased to exist, we do not know yet!

2009-10-12T09:06:00.002-05:00

Here's my new blog. Moving to the Globe blogs, hopefully.

Also hopefully! They may consider letting me do a tamer, more paper friendly edition of Joplin Globe Madness. We shall see.

If Joplin Globe Madness is done, thanks for reading! If it isn't, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT READING IT?

New Globe Supplement: Profiles in Idiocy

2009-06-27T22:06:00.003-05:00

I feel a little overwhelmed. When one looks at the contenders in the First Annual Peggies, you see a few gems scattered throughout the year. After those were wrapped up, the next year of Joplin Globe Madness began. But barely a month has passed, and already we may have enough material for next May.

Seriously, look at this shit. It's GOLD. Phyllis League thinks the ozone layer is mosquito netting and that holes are caused by rockets piercing it. And also the thrust of the rockets has a disastrous effect on the earth's axis. I imagine she also thinks that if we launch enough rockets, the earth will spin backward. Which, of course, causes time to run in reverse.

Meanwhile, I noticed that one of the Globe's online commentators got a writeup by Scott Meeker. Awesome.

You know who else owned a dog? Hitler, that's who!

2009-06-21T20:00:00.005-05:00

Here's some Obama derangement for ya.

Good Lord, you mean to tell me that not only does Obama eat spicy mustard and bump people's fists, he has a DOG too? MY GOD WHAT IS THIS MONSTER WE'VE ELECTED?!?

I wasn't too helpful when I critiqued Garland's Tibet letter, but this guy's response is still pretty useless. "Who cares about your crap country? Our country is being run by a Democrat. A Democrat with a dog."

I didn’t even know you could do that…

2009-06-18T23:19:00.001-05:00

What infuriates me the most about this letter isn’t its Paleolithic view of women, or the slight-of-hand contempt toward men as well (seriously kids, what do you care if your Daddy comes home in a casket?).

What offends me the most is the fact that it’s a rerun. This letter first ran (to my knowledge) when I was in high school. I know this because I had a response published under my real name. I basically just did a satire of her letter with burkas, kitchens, the whole works. Some people didn’t read her letter first and took mine as genuine. I will post proof as soon as I can dig it up again.

Claudia Owens, you colluder piece of crap, if you’re going to be a self-hating sell-out to the patriarchy, will you at least not be so fucking lazy as to reprint an old letter of yours? For fuck’s sake.

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By the by, I am now an elite member of the Joplin Freethinkers. Come meet up with us every Thursday in Ewert Park!

CHILDREEEEEN!!!!!

2009-06-16T23:02:00.003-05:00

A woman named Zelma Shanks should not complain about tackiness. Seriously, I’ve seen less tacky names used by drag queens.

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Oh Dan Dan Dan Dan DAN. I like this guy more and more every time he writes. It’s like Steve Goebel and Rita Crowell totally porked and had a kid.

I don’t know which part I like best! “Intellectual marijuana?” “Bush‘s reasoned errors?” The fact that he actually uses Dijongate even after every other right winger realized it was too stupid and embarrassing to use?

I know it’s early, but this has to be in next year’s Peggies. Unless he tops himself.

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So James Wheeler says that gays shouldn’t have marriage rights because marriage is important to raising children.

“But wait! Not only is marriage being essential to a healthy child not really true, and not only do many straight couples not have children, but gays can adopt kids as well- so they can get married, right?”

"No!", says Wheeler, "If too many people get married than they’ll be leeches on society! Our culture feels entitled to government perks, when they should be self-reliant! Bootstraps!"

"OK, so if you’re all about self-reliance, then maybe the government should get out of marriage completely? Let that be handled by the churches and the families!"

"No!" says Wheeler, "If that happens, then…children, y’know? Children!!! I HAVE A LOGICAL SECULAR ARGUMENT AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE!!!!!!!"

Envelope Please!

2009-06-15T19:27:00.004-05:00

You voted in masse (all seven of you) in the Peggies, and now let your voices be heard!

Best Frequent Letter Writer- With 83% of the vote, it's Rita Crowell in a landslide. Was there really any doubt? Riley T. garnered a distant second with only one vote.

Best Guest Column- This was a tight heat, but apparently more people got their handles cranked by the Douchey Professor than Cindy. She doesn't mind- she's far too modest for that.

Best Letter- Another landslide, Carol "maybe the Obama ate your baby" Thomas walked away with 80% of the vote. Karen Clark got only one vote, alas.

I just noticed that all the people I voted for, lost. Bummer.

Congrats to all the winners, piss on all the losers!

Wait...Free Who Now?

2009-06-14T21:22:00.003-05:00

I honestly don't know where I stand on the whole Free Tibet thing, as both parties sound pretty unsavory. This letter doesn't help. Drashi says Tibet should be free. OK. Then he says that it wasn't a peaceful utopia. All right, a caveat's fine, go for it. He then proceeds to make the old Tibet sound like an absolute oppressive shithole. Then he abruptly adds

Thanks for reminding your readers of the need for a free Tibet.

Um...dude? When you add a caveat like that you're supposed to bounce back up with some positive things to say. Otherwise it makes us wonder why Tibetan citizens should be free from the murderous Chinese so they can go back to murdering each other in holy wars. I guess he just trusted that everyone read and remembered the original Globe article, which may or may not have listed good things. Honestly? I don't remember reading it.

Meanwhile, Riley T's last letter was so nice he said it twice! He says that without "loving ourselves" (i.e. capitalism NOT MASTURBATION YOU GODLESS PERVERT SICKOSEXUALS), the commandment “love our neighbor as we love ourselves” is completely useless.

Course, it's useless without the first half too, but hey!

Finally, I more or less agree with the following letter, (hey fuck you! I like trees!) but the use of the word "mutilate" kind of rubs me the wrong way.

I also like how in the last sentence she reveals she doesn't care so much about trees as much as HER trees, specifically. Fuck those other trees in other, less eco-friendly towns!

Bwap.

2009-06-11T22:32:00.004-05:00

Bwap bwap bwap.

Fun fact: They took out the part where I asked the torture people if it's a good idea to racially profile middle-aged white guys now; also "All this with the equivalent of a mere college hazing prank! You want to fight terrorism don't you?" I think it detracts from the argument's impact; but I'm no editor and I probably just typed too damn much.

I was also instructed by the guy who received my letter to plug the blog in the comments, so if any newbies are reading, hey! How ya doing? If you never read this thing again at least vote in the polls situated to your left! Read this to get acquainted with the nominees.

EDIT: This is the greatest comment ever. (bolding mine)

1concerned1 writes:
Only a fool would use this premise as an argument regarding so called torture. Anti-choice? What choice does the fetus have? Might you consider it to be torture sticking a needle into the brain of that fetus to suck it's brains out? You are tying to do the same thing that pro death, abortionists are already using. Sweet sounding titles..Pro choice my butt. Pehaps your mother shoud aborted you, you sick twisted fool!

6. PROFIT!!!

2009-06-10T21:48:00.006-05:00

Remember, the Peggy Award polls have four days left! Go vote or I'll have a celebrity belittle you with some hip freestyle verse.

Hey look! I reduced Karen Strange’s letter to its original form letter format~

“One has to wonder how many of those in the coalition fighting against [evil means of production] have [aforementioned products that don‘t have to be produced that way but dominate the market so you don‘t really have another choice unless you‘re super rich or abstain completely]

[“Lagoons of pig feces, animal abuse and antibiotic doping are good things argument” goes here]

[Folksy closer]”

On an inquiring note, why do spokespeople for organizations list their affiliation when they write these letters? I assume it’s a law or something, because who’s going to believe you’re not advancing that cause for a paycheck?

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Dude, Ethan Beaver (hee!) did NOT just compare the non-homophobic to Nazis.

I will copy/paste my comment there, here.

Social conservatives who compare the minorities they despise to the perpetrators of the Holocaust ought to be ashamed of themselves. Do you really see yourself as someone rebelling against persecution of gays, Jews and non-whites? Let's face it-- you would be the first cheering governmental discrimination against anyone that isn't you. Actually, I take that back-- you ARE the ones cheering for it RIGHT NOW.

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The funniest thing about Randy Brown’s letter is that most of his “radical liberal talking points” are actually good ideas. Hey, did you hear about that museum shooting today? Why would anyone want that guy unarmed?

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“Hmm", Riley T. asks, "is it selfish to be a capitalist? I will use LOGIC to figure this out!

1. I am Christian.

2. Christians are not selfish.

3. I also really like money.

4.Capitalism gets me money.

5. Since I am not selfish and I like capitalism, we can conclude that capitalism is not selfish.

Also, being a meat puppet of a Sky Fairy makes you a responsible person, while being your own person is irresponsible and foolish and smelly.

God! I love logic!”

Post Philosopher

2009-06-04T22:26:00.005-05:00

I may have lumped Dan Walters in a twofer on the Best Frequent Letter Writers Poll (which may I remind you, is on the left side of your screen and is just aching for your vote). However, with every letter he writes I suspect that he deserves to be in a class all his own.

Bible quotes? Check. Creepy obsession with breeding and overpopulating the place? Check. “Political correctness?” Check. Homophobia and anti-feminism? Check. Preaching Biblical values while simultaneously lauding capitalism? Check.

If you haven’t voted yet, don’t be afraid to cast Dan a vote (if you so desire)! We have faith in you now, Dan!

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Of course, you can also vote for Jim Keener. $5 says that Jim Keener’s “old philosopher” doesn't really exist. Philosophers, as a general rule, are not concerned about "post turtles". They're probably more concerned about "sky turtles."

That was a long way to go for a historical reference disguised as a joke.

Long story short-- no philosopher worth his salt would be peddling email forward "folksy wisdom" as a point to ponder.

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Meanwhile, Bill Hicks once credited good music to drug use. What do you get without recreational drug use? Wal-Mart music.

C. Keith Sigler is in the Guest Column poll, by the way. Vote!

Jekyll and...Spiering?

2009-06-02T21:00:00.007-05:00

Another badly timed letter. Whoops! Deborah White lays it down: the Bible says abortion is wrong!* But there's one minor flaw in her argument, and it's revealed in the first comment:

SuperDuperPatriot writes:
But I don't care what it says in the Bible.

That cracks me up. Kudos to SDP!
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Mild-mannered Wendall Lewis writes a letter to the Globe. Little does he realize that his irrational reptilian hindbrain, which takes over his body by night and goes by the name Dave Spiering, does the same thing.

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This letter by Naomi Hutchinson, where she whines about restaurants these days (what with their baggy pants and the rap music!), infuriates me. For two reasons:

1. She is complaining about a bad experience at a certain restaurant, but she never mentions the name of it so other hapless diners won't make the same mistake!

2. She mentions a restaurant that employs immodestly dressed waitstaff, but she never mentions the name of it so ~~we know where to go~~ other hapless diners won't make the same mistake!

Also note the first sentence. "Not a complainer?" YES YOU ARE. This is the Opinion pages, that's what you do, that's what you are doing right now.

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Two trains of thought have been flittering around in my brain since Sunday. One concerns Dr. Tiller and the pro-life movement that killed him. Another is the torture apologist argument that goes "It's OK to torture because OMG beheadings 9/11 ticking time bomb TERRORISTS!!!111!!!", like the one printed in the last post. These thoughts cross paths.

Let's stop beating around the bush: Scott Roeder and all the other pro-lifers that have killed doctors, bombed clinics and threatened patients? They're terrorists. Using violence against civilians to obtain political or religious goals? Yep, that's terrorism--the dictionary definition!

My query to the torture apologists is this: since these guys associate with terrorists, are we justified in waterboarding them? Can we racially profile middle aged white guys? Who knows, we may be able to prevent another terrorist attack! All this with the so-called equivalent of a college hazing prank! You want to stop terrorism, right?

What's that? You're not so eager about waterboarding now? Huh.

*Again, ignoring Exodus 21:22

Worst Timing EVER, Hazel

2009-05-31T21:43:00.003-05:00

Seriously.

I wonder if the women who benefited from Dr. Tiller's services appreciate being called heartless monsters? You know, the women who very much wanted a child but due to the cruel, mindless machinations of nature (dare I say, God?), were forced to terminate to save their lives?

Does the condition of heartlessness prevent someone from gunning a doctor down while he attends church with his friends and loved ones? If so, than Hazel Blakenship, eat my heart out.

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This letter's ok, but I have to ask, what's so "politically correct" about buying from thrift stores? When I think of those words I think of infuriated privileged man-children having to deal with people different than them; that or Captain Planet. When I think of thrift stores, I think of art students, hipsters, poor people and miserly frugal types.
Admittedly, those aren't No-Spin Zone White Dudes, so they may very well be PC. I guess everyone and everything that isn't, is.

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Torture apologists know that there was no excuse for what happened, so they have to make up imaginary what-if scenarios instead.

"I want you to imagine that you were sucked into a time vortex that sent you to the time your parents first met. Now there's another suitor vying for your mother's carnal affections; unfortunately the only person who knows the suitor's identity is an individual that belongs to a race of sentient Marsupial People. This individual also has a time machine, but only plans on using it to travel to the future to eat puppies. Knowing that this creature is not technically human and that if you fail to act you will never be conceived (and also countless litters of adorable Boston Terriers will be boiled and eaten), would you be so reluctant about waterboarding then? WOULD YOU?!?"

Dammit People!

2009-05-30T09:37:00.002-05:00

Stop writing sensible letters. That is NOT how we do it.

Here, let Steve Goebel show you how it's done.

Happy One Year Blogiversary!

2009-05-26T00:00:00.003-05:00

To celebrate, I’ve taken my personal favorite letters and letter writers from this year and narrowed them down to the best of the best.

It’s time for the First Annual Time Honored Joplin Globe Madness Awards-- the Peggies! Look to your left and let's look at the categories:

Best Frequent Letter Writer

Riley T. Jay -- He of the mixed up priorities.

Rita Crowell -- I seriously considered not nominating her; she has the unfair advantage in both the cuckoo-ness and the sheer volume of her letters.

Jim Keener --Token lefty, unless…

Steve Goebel --is one too. I think he is, but he never makes any goddamn sense so it’s hard to tell.

Dan Walters and Allen Shirley -- They’re being nominated together because they’re both interchangeable dittoheads.

Best Guest Column

Richard La Near: The Douchey Professor

Cindy Sigler Dagnan: "Stacy's mom had got it going on-- by 'it' I mean 'the destruction of American moral values'."

Paul K. Butler: "Boot camp is exactly like waterboarding!"

C. Keith Sigler: "You can't just quote from the Bible if you're going to quote the Bible."

Arthur L. Strobel: "Seriously? You have a chink holiday on the calendar?!?"

Best Letter

Alberta Anders: "There’s too much homosex on TV, so I’m going to stick with Ellen."

Carol Thomas: “Hide your white babies from Obama!”

Karen Clark: "The only women that deserve rights are Sarah Palin and me!

Burney Johnson: "Bear-A-Geddon!"

Verlin R. Snider: "My common ancestor was a clod of dirt."

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You can vote until the 15th. Let your voice be heard my friends!

Aryan Awareness Day

2009-05-25T10:20:00.003-05:00

I know, I know, Germans aren’t really intolerant Nazis anymore. But seriously, look at this shit and tell me that wasn't the first thing you thought.

"One of the great strengths of the United States is from its diversity! Therefore, I propose we set a day aside to honor the most common variety of white person! Perhaps we can undo the harm done when we set aside calendar dates for squint-eyed chinks that can't even speak English. Do most Americans go around saying 'ching chong ding dong' and eating dog soup? I didn't think so. WHITE PRIDE!"

I mean seriously, what the fuck is up with that last paragraph?

The Ol' Switcheroo

2009-05-17T22:24:00.007-05:00

Nobody believes in a god.

A man may say that a god created everything. In so saying, he forgets to mention what, or who, created the god.

Such a man may say that the god had always existed. By this statement, he is acknowledging that special creation is not necessary to set things in motion. Therefore, his insistence that everything has to have a creator is false even in his own worldview. Of course, this is not an actual natural phenomenon, this god. It is a giant bearded dude that lives up in the clouds and plants dinosaur fossils to fuck with people’s heads.

Whoever believes in an omnipotent sky patriarch smiting people for putting their wees-wees in the wrong place has serious issues. If a man is a product of an abusive, psychopathic specter that somehow always agrees with everything the believer thinks, then everything about him is avoiding anything that may challenge his worldview. His body, mind, all of his thoughts, words and actions are in submission to this phantom. He cannot of himself make any decision or intend or propose anything. He cannot do anything that intelligence does. Therefore, he has no intelligence.

If a man’s thoughts, words and actions are just parroting Sky Daddy, then that man cannot be held responsible for anything he does.

The figment of the imagination known as religion is simply irresponsibility in a thin disguise. It should not be taught to children or to anyone else.
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Suck on it, Burney. But I'm glad the bears didn't get you.

I'm out of town for the week. Stay vigilant!

WE MADE YOU. WE CAN DESTROY YOU.

2009-05-14T11:48:00.005-05:00

That martyr of intellectual freedom, *snort* *chuckle* Miss California, is under attack, and leaping to her defense is this "people exercising their freedom of speech to criticize her are stifling her freedom of speech" letter by Randy Dale.

Let's see what we got here:

1. He's got lots of gay friends! Seriously!

2. Also, you gay folks apparently should be grateful to straight people, since they were so nice as to allow you to exist. The least you can do is let them deny you dignity and legal protections, and maybe let them beat a few of you folks to death with baseball bats every once in a while.

3. One man, one woman marriage (that's based on mutual attraction and not arranged as a business deal) is a "tradition as old as language and civilization"? LOL WHUT? (hint: the most traditional marriage throughout humanity's history would be one man, several women, and what most Americans think of as "traditional marriage" is a pretty recent invention.)

4. Last sentence: "If people like Paris Hilton had their way, we would be subjugated to a gay Taliban enforcing gay culture!" Double Globe score! Honestly, a gay Taliban sounds a million times better than the religous homobigot one we have now. Do we get fetching rainbow turbans?

Also, do you think he meant to say "Perez Hilton"? I like to think that he did.

Pass the Pabst Blue Ribbon, Riley T-Dog

2009-05-12T22:27:00.002-05:00

The Kaje is back for a limited time only. Things that were neglected in my absence:

Holy balls, is this guy comparing boot camp to torturing false confessions out of people? And Riley too? I figured from the gay rights debate that conservatives have little use for the concept of “consent”; but I didn’t know they knew absolutely nothing about it. I know! Let’s ask Senator McCain and other soldiers that were tortured by foreign forces! Maybe they can tell us the difference!

Another letter from Riley T. Jay made me notice something: calling everyone else a “conformist”, going out of his way to be different at all costs…MY GOD! He’s not a moralizing nutbar- he’s an INDIE HIPSTER DOUCHE! And a really ironic one, I must say. Kudos, sir. You even fooled me.

You may remember Dan Walters as the guy whose letter got its ass kicked by mine. He’s also crazy, sexist, and elitist. I think he’s saying that the 25% of Americans that are abysmally stupid are like pretty girls, and everyone else is an ugly old feminist that secretly hates them because we envy them. Not because they’re huge stupid sexist racist bigoted assholes. It’s because they’re better than us and we’re jealous. I guess.

And what the fuck is a “positive nuisance award?” Is he saying that Gloria’s actually right? Does coherency have a liberal bias now? Everything else does.

Finally! The tea baggers did not go unnoticed by yours truly. If you visit Scott Meeker’s blog, you may have gotten a taste of my totally choice letter that was TOO HOT FOR THE GLOBE. Here’s the rest:

It’s only been a few weeks and it seems that the media has forgotten the nationwide Tea Party. You can only accomplish so much by marching in the streets and teabagging the White House. It’s time to fight!
I have taken it upon myself to form a Southwest Missouri chapter of Fight Increasing Socialist Taxes (FIST) Forum. This organization encourages FISTing-- assertive and effective techniques to raise awareness about the current government’s liberal taxing policies. These include such strategies as letter writing, organizing boycotts, civil disobedience and twittering; plus simple assertiveness training. You can look us up on Facebook, MySpace and Twitter; or you can visit our website at fistforum.com. I encourage all true Americans to FIST with their friends and family!

For the record DO NOT ACTUALLY GO TO FISTFORUM.COM. Unless you're into that kind of stuff. Kaje don't judge.

The one year anniversary of the blog is coming up! Mark your calendars for the 26th, and brace yourselves for AWESOMENESS!

(by “awesomeness” I mean “an interactive poll or a quiz or something”)

Never Mind the Never Mind

2009-04-02T22:33:00.004-05:00

Darn it all, I‘m putting off my hiatus until after this post. I can’t stay away, not with these three doozies!

Francis G. Bliss tries to stir up taxpayer rage against imprisoning murderers for life. Never mind that the death penalty actually costs six times as much, or all that crap that that hippie Jesus said, but whatevs.

My favorite part is the last sentence. “Get some female pregnant?” Way to go out of your way to dehumanize women, dude.

Ed Goebel thinks that we don’t need animal abuse laws or other sorts of animal welfare because humans have a natural compassion for animals.

In the same breath he says that God made animals humanity’s meaty playthings. Hmm.

And finally, the jewel of the day’s harvest…Jim Keener, a 9/11 conspiracy dude!

You know how I can dismiss 9/11 conspirators out of hand? If it’s true that the Bush Administration planned the attacks, they probably would’ve grudgingly admitted it after some half-hearted denials. The Republicans would spin this into a good thing, and the Democrats and the media would roll over for them. The few non-sickos would’ve gotten upset, and this would be perceived as “whining” by the apathetic and the humanity-hating TV-sick jackoffs. Before you knew it you’d see bumper stickers that say “Fly A Plane Into A Skyscraper--It Pisses Off The Liberals!” (printed in a star spangled or rebel flag scheme of course) and absolutely nothing would be done.

Look at the past eight years and tell me that you can’t see that happening.

Anyway, I am going to get yelled at for posting again. I AM GOING ON HIATUS STARTING…NOW. FOR REAL-REAL THIS TIME.

Never Mind

2009-04-02T16:17:00.001-05:00

Something has come up today. Now's as good a time as any to put the blog on an indefinite hiatus.
Will Joplin Globe Madness ever return?Hard to say. Time will tell.

Lay Off the Brown Sugar

2009-04-01T23:30:00.007-05:00

The past few weeks or so I’ve been suffering a severe case of the fuck-its, compounded by my inexplicably weird-acting internet connection. Seriously, I’ve been trying to compose this post (links, Photobucket*, just logging into stupid Blogger) and it's taking nearly two and a half hours. I've got work in the morning people! When you factor in existential angst, it’s been hard to see why I should bother. However, after I read a doozy this evening, I decided I had to break my silence.

First, here’s one I missed: a hilariously racist pining for the good ole’ melting pot. A melting pot is fine, Gilbert Millner says, but only as long as the right races are added in the right amounts.

He’s not racist! In fact, he’s three times as not-racist as your average racism-apologist---not only does he have black friends, but Asian and Hispanic ones too!

Flash forward to today. Peggy Ellis has apparently changed her name to Alberta Anders.

Oh me oh my, where to start?

How about her belief that nudity and sex automatically equals immoral?

How about the fact that at one point she complains about homosexuality in one show, only to later consider switching from Oprah to Ellen? Ellen. I've never watched Brothers and Sisters, but it must have a whole lot of homosexual content to out-gay a show that’s hosted by an actual out lesbian.

How about the gut-busting phrase “the sex act”? Cripes, I can hear her saying that in my head! She sounds like my fourth grade choir teacher OH GOD I CANNOT UNHEAR IT PLEASE PLEASE SOMEBODY STOP THE HORRIBLE VOICE

*It is 12:45. I've been trying to log into Photobucket for an hour. For some reason it won't allow me to exit read-only mode. So fuck it- I'm not going to waste two more hours slogging through my shit connection making a shit new account on their shit website (despite already having an account there that worked perfectly fine before) to waste another two hours to upload two shit pictures. The shitty Blogger uploader is all we're getting.

Today Is Quotation Mark Abuse Awareness Day

2009-03-17T22:01:00.003-05:00

A few days ago the Globe ran an editorial endorsing a need for better science education.

Today, Verlin R. Snider shows just how badly we need it.

Is there anything, anything at all, on this earth dumber than a creationist? They don't know anything about anything.

If the writer had followed his title “better” science, he could have set forth a basic flaw in society today. Indeed, we need “better” science — science based on facts, not theory.

THEORIES ARE INTEGRAL TO THE SCIENTIFIC PROCESS YOU SHIT FOR BRAINS. HAVE YOU EVER EVEN READ A FUCKING SCIENCE BOOK IN YOUR LIFE? DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO READ?!?

But, you know, maybe you have a point. How can any theory compete with the humbling and sensible logic of Magical Fruit and Talking Snake Theory?

One Sentence Wonders

2009-03-16T21:28:00.006-05:00

I was checking the letters for something besides Snoresville local issues when I saw my name in a letter's one sentence preview description.

Johnny Kaje’s remarks (Globe, Feb. 28) stating that women do not have a soul gland in their ovaries to bestow personhood status as an embryo is another example of an arrogant unbeliever mocking God.

A reply to my letter! My heart leapt in my throat- the writer had a strong opening sentence and I couldn’t wait to read the rest!
I clicked, the letter loaded, and I could finally read the rest:

Gordon W. Thompson

Grove, Okla.

…that’s it? No expounding on the point that this is a bad thing? No Bible quotes? No phony-ass passive-aggressive “I will pray for you”?

Just one lousy sentence?

That…that hurts. Damnit, they’ve gotten to me. The arrogant unbeliever is breaking out the old sad face. Here I go... <:(

Speaking of single sentences, Donald A. Miller Sr. has written one of the most beautiful sentences to ever grace the Voices page. Bask in the glory of this sentence:

The croissant-eating wine-drinking liberal pukes can take everything now that we have a foreigner with their mind-set in the White House.

What else can anyone say? It’s perfection. Joplin Globe madness, distilled in a single sentence. It brings a tear to my eye. Well done, Donald. I'm putting away the sad face and breaking out the happy face. :D

Bad Timing

2009-03-16T10:46:00.004-05:00

When I read “House rules aim to silence GOP”, I felt deeply for my fellow countrymen. Imagine--to be rendered silent and impotent by the majority! My heart bleeds!

So in support of my fallen brothers and sisters in the Grand Old Party, I pledged to speak for them this day. Let the Republican voice be heard!

Here it is:

“bwap bwap bwap TAX CUTS bwap bwap bwap SOCIALISM bwap bwap bwap ANYTHING BESIDES WAR AND ABSTINENCE FUNDING IS PORK bwap bwap bwap MUSLIMS AND LIBERALS AND QUEERS OH MY bwap bwap bwap”

You’ve just heard the Republican voice! You can now carry on with your sane policy making.

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I realized last night that I started this blog at the worst possible time.

You see, the culture wars are my bread and butter. I probably should have started this blog around 2004-ish, when the opinion pages were buzzing about gay marriage and Ten Commandments plaques and all sorts of crazy stuff.

But nope, I had to wait until the tail-end of the Bush administration, and now that the furor of “OMG BLACK MUSLIM PRESIDENT” is wearing thin, everyone’s talking about economics.

Unfortunately for you, dear readers, I know as much about money as a dog knows about standardized English.

Of course, a dog knows some words; like “walk”, “no”, and “food”. Likewise, I know that corporations aren’t human beings, that it’s kind of stupid to tax people in an inversely proportional way to their wealth, and that the “Going Galt” people are not visionary hard-working assholes, but mere assholes.

On a day like today I can't offer much in the way of commentary besides "Dan Walters wrote this, and this guy's supporting The Douchey Professor, and that's all you need to know." Sorry, folks. The day will come when someone will start writing about Noah’s Ark in Turkey and the wholesome goodness of the Confederate flag again.

When that day comes, I WILL BE THERE.

Try the Intertubes!

2009-03-12T09:31:00.004-05:00

Do you think that Douglas K. Tope is trying to subtly accuse Obama of being a Kenyan Muslim born in India? Or is he sincere?

I take issue with the commentator's charge of "LOL computer illiteracy". There's a chance he wants a fresh voice we haven't heard before; a local soul who has memories that can't be found on your fancy Wikipedias and your Googles and such.

Or he may just be some clueless old-fashioned gomer after all. I dunno.

Results are in!

2009-03-02T10:07:00.004-06:00

It's been two days, which is the max time I allow myself to care about comment threads on joplinglobe.com. Let's tally those turkey burgers!

Me- four turkey burgers (I'm including one guy who I know reads this blog but forgot the turkey burger rule. Also, myself.)

Dan- A whopping back-breaking ZERO. Tough break kid.

An aside on comments: Attention Joplin Blog web designers, is their any way you can revise the comments system so it's more coherent? Like maybe make people register so there's no more sock puppetry* and anonymous comments? How about a thread function so you can comment on a certain person's comment? How about axing the whole "tiny frame and text" thing . Please?

Just suggestions. Feel free to ignore. Good job otherwise.

Anyway, to celebrate my victory, enjoy this great Crowell basher by Harry Gardner. Hopefully more and more people will realize how futile it is to reason with her, and resort to gentle mockery instead.

*Note: I am SO GUILTY of sock puppetry you don't even know. I've been trying to cut down.**
**Before you ask, NO I DID NOT ENGAGE IN SOCK PUPPETRY DURING THE TURKEY BURGER POLL.

Go Fighting Globeans!

2009-02-27T14:47:00.004-06:00

First off, I'd like to congratulate the Globe editors on retooling my food-stained napkin scribblings into something halfway coherent. When I write my blogposts I have a proofreading lemur (it's one of those really smart lemurs, okay?) at my disposal. I was worried that, without that luxury, the staff would be completely flummoxed by my strings of swear words and textspeak. Give them a big hand for their hard work and patience!

And wouldn't you know it? Some other dweeb wrote a similar "look at the positions of the other side, aren't they a scream!" letter, from the opposite side. BOO! HISS!

Who's the victor here- Dan Walters with his dripping sarcasm and way cooler title (seriously, "philosophizing rascals" is the best title ever, no contest), or me, with my excess verbiage and killer looks? Since I'm too lazy to to put a poll up, let's do it like this- if you like my letter better, say so on my letter's comment page. If you like Dan "the Dope" Walters more, say so on his comment page.

And to exclude those who aren't aware of the poll, be sure to work the phrase "turkey burgers" into your comment so we know who sent ya.

Have fun, kids!

I Challenge You to a Non Sequitur-Off!

2009-02-25T19:27:00.009-06:00

Have I compared Jim Keener to Steve Goebel in the past? If I haven't I must point out that Keener out-goebeled Goebel today. I mean, what the hell? What. The Hell.
What the hell what the hell what the hell.

Is it a comment on air pollution? A scathing critique of Exxon-Mobil? A sharp jab at the business practices of American automotive industries ? Maybe he just found the joke on his Laff-A-Day desk calendar and simply had to share it?

I didn't know you could just rip out a page from your daughter's "Gross Jokes for Kids!" book, add some sentences that erect a pale façade of a point, and then get it published in the newspaper.

"What can you get at the new McDonald's that's green on the inside, white on the outside, and hops? A frog sandwich. When you think about it, they've gotta be kidding us."

Or maybe, just maybe, the joke is on us. THINK ABOUT IT DUDE.

--------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, I have a bone to pick with Kathy Heger, or at least the first two sentences. Graham's artcle was basically a giant stringy shit on the Republican noise machine. That's what we call "partisanship", not "bipartisanship."

Unless "bipartisanship" is a sneaky new euphemism. I hope so. I'm really sick of each side pretending they care what the other side has to say. It's pathetically phony.

Also, stop trying to reason with the Crowellmiester! We love her just the way she is.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

2009-02-24T13:21:00.007-06:00

You know what's awesome? Full mobility of your arms is awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ft3xuGv3d08

(bah I can't embed videos)

I was so stoked I even sent an actual letter to the Globe instead of slinking around in the inky shadows of cyberspace, angrily mumbling to myself. Time will tell if this was or was not a horrible idea.

Back in college I had a classmate who I affectionately dubbed Sabrina the Catholic Witch. She was this old chain smoking woman who didn't let her Catholic faith interfere with her tarot card reading and other myriad wacky New Age beliefs. Imagine Rita Crowell and your average freshman Wicca convert having a drunken tryst and somehow siring a child. She was very patronizing and quite possibly a compulsive liar.* The worst part was that she took her beliefs VERY SERIOUSLY, which was compounded by the fact that her belief system was a nightmare hybrid of two mutually exclusive but equally obnoxious religions. You didn't know when she would solemnly agree with you or when she go completely apeshit as you danced between the two.

Anyway, this letter reminded me of her. Although this guy doesn't really sound that bad. I just found the blend of vegetarianism and Catholicism jarring. And I really wanted to share dirt about my goofy classmates. Next up- mumbling Libertarian serial killer man!

Meanwhile, reading this letter I realized that I didn't recognize two of the famous people in the list of Famous People Who Weren't Killers. A thought crossed my mind- did Charles C. Smith have trouble coming up with people to honor that weren't squeaky clean enough to prove his point?

Then I thought, "maybe I'm just stupid."

However, then I thought, "Hey! Didn't my man Truman dropped a fucking atomic bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki?"

Then I was like, "You know what? Whatever." And then I played Syberia for two hours and fell asleep.

*she was engaged to at least five millionaires, but she rejected them all because they were all drug addicts, and married a trucker instead. For serious you guys.

Rudy, dude...

2009-02-20T11:11:00.005-06:00

...you know I enjoy chortling over the fact that the Repubs have to compromise their core schtick and embrace progressive trappings in order to survive as much as you do.

That being said, please get your facts straight.

Also, "a bigot and a racist", is a pinch redundant.

Also also, while non-whites and women are currently accepted by the Republicans as tokens, they're still pretending that their gay members don't exist. Log Cabin Republicans anyone?

I quibble because I love. And hate. And are indifferent to. Hell, I just like to quibble regardless of the situation or persons involved.

Team I-Don't-Give-a-Damn-About-Twilight

2009-02-18T22:26:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I asked for more leftist fare than usual. Ask and ye shall receive.

Ed Goebel is apparently a misanthrope like myself; the only difference between him and I is I don't think he's aware of it. There's also a pinch of misogyny; you will not find nary of whiff of the real issue at stake (bodily autonomy, kids, write it down). Instead it's all about overpopulation. Although overpopulation is a concern in its own right, when you fail to make women's rights the number one priority regarding abortion it makes your philosophy little different than that of China's, or even your home-grown pro-lifers for that matter.

Also note that according to Ed, women should only reproduce on a sliding scale proportional to how patriarchy-correct they are. Single mothers are allowed X amount of kids, while those comfortably situated in a June Cleaver nuclear family are allowed X+ children. Choice in the matter? What do you think you are, an autonomous being that doesn't deserve to be chastised?

Meanwhile, Crowell's fresh out of Harry Potter and Golden Compass, so she's settling for the next best thing. She forgot the bullet point that said "one instance, lasting the whole of the book, of badly written wish fulfillment."

Thou shalt remember Glenn Beck's time slot, and keep it holy.

2009-02-17T23:38:00.007-06:00

First off: I know I missed a bunch of letters, including some good ones, bad ones and ones advocating vigilante dogkillers. I've been ~~fucking around with my new computer~~ been really busy with stuff.

You know what I hate? When someone criticizes something, and then you criticize their criticism, and suddenly the other person's all like "Oh, you're trying to silence dissent! What do you have against criticism, Herr Comrade Censorpuss?"

Don't you hate that? It's complete horsecrap and you both know it, but the other dude pretends not to because he's a disingenuous little weasel. If anything, you like criticism twice as much as the other person, since you criticized his critique. It's a double critique; a metacritique.

Anyway, today's letter has a good example of that (last two sentences- the rest of the letter is just the straws that the Republicans grasped during the election). It's a response to this guest column, which was not only not crazy but delivered some much needed mental sucker punches to the Know-Nothing readership.

Mr. Ronald Eurit , let me bring you up to speed. No one is censoring you. They are just calling you a hypocritical pig-ignorant dumbfuck. There is a difference.

The concept of the Fairness Doctrine (which isn't really as "equal-timey" as either side would have you believe; google it!) terrifies conservatives, and I love it. It shows how much they REALLY like criticism.

Finally, check it: the second sentence does the "YOUR president" thing again! Geez!

-------------------------------------------

Speaking of the Fairness Doctrine, what does it have to do with Christianity? I must've missed that commandment.

Of course, I've been asking the same thing about abortion, but they've been ignoring me and that pesky Exodus 21:22.

-------------------------------------------

Military stress causing suicides? Blame Clinton.

Damnit, I thought this was a new progressive era. When are the leftwing nuts going to start writing in? I want someone advocating Atlantis or UFOs, or something!

Hate More, Earn More

2009-02-07T12:42:00.003-06:00

Rita Crowell knows who's to blame for the bad economy. Is it the banks, overly eager to lend money? Average Joes and Janes, spending money that they don't have?

Nope! It's the damn queers!

Up until this point I didn't realize that financial security was inversely proportional to how evil you were. This explains why Rita Crowell is the richest person in the entire midwestern United States.

I also wonder what the poor straight people did to deserve to be sunk with the money grubbing butt pirates. Maybe they didn't beat up enough queeros with baseball bats, or gang rape enough lesbians, or split up enough families for no goddamn reason.

But seriously though, I fucking hate these people and wish they would die. Hey, maybe if we all hate homobigots and worthless GOP scumbags with all our might, the economy will right itself! That is what Rita was saying would help, right? More hatred?

Do you know what YOUR PRESIDENT did today?!?

2009-01-25T22:34:00.005-06:00

Ok, I think we've reached the point where anybody who doesn't have an extreme dislike of GWB probably has to have a man from the county come by to tie their shoes for them every morning, and text alerts every hour to remind them to blink.

That being said, there was one thing about him that I always empathized with: his horrific oratory skills. I mean, I KNOW he was the president and good oration should have been a requirement, but I always felt a twinge of sympathy for him whenever somebody brought up "Is our children learning?" and had a good laugh at his expense.

Because if you think that's bad, you ought to hear ME talk sometime. I make Dubya look like Patrick Henry. Seriously, I sang "Fee Tines a Mady" years before I ever saw that skit on SNL. Touch your tongue on an electric fence and then read a badly translated fortune cookie out loud and you'll get a close approximation of my public speaking skills.

Why am I telling you this? Because today's obnoxiously pedantic letter by Joy O'Toole reminded me of it. Curiously, she DOESN'T mention Bush while listing world leaders with speech problems; I would think she's save ink just by saying, "Bush fans should NOT mock the oratory skills of others. BIYATCH".

MEANWHILE, Dan Walters has a charmingly useless alternative to a smoking ban: cutesy signs! I know whenever I read a patronizing bumper sticker or needlepoint hanging on the wall, the message pierces my cold sinful heart like an icicle.

For example, my grandmother used to have a wooden sign that said "Back Door Guests Are Best." I was shamed, SHAMED! into using the back door. By that I mean, homosexual experimentation. THANKS GRANDMA! But I digress...

Finally, I've noticed that there's a lot of people out there (namely on FOX Network) reluctant to the idea of President Obama, manifested in their reluctance to refer to him as "President Obama". Today's anti-choicer actually did the "do you know what YOUR SON did today?!?" ploy.

Yes, Barack Obama is my president. HE'S YOUR PRESIDENT TOO.

PRESIDENT OBAMA
PRESIDENT OBAMA
PRESIDENT OBAMA

Belated Blog for Choice Day

2009-01-23T12:03:00.006-06:00

Don'tchoo know? Yesterday was Blog for Choice day. The theme was "what is your top pro-choice hope for President Obama and/or the new Congress?"

Here I go!

Abolish ab-ed funding, ditto for crisis pregnancy centers, get rid of the fucking conscience clause and make the anti-healthcare people abstain from healthcare careers, get rid of that Global Gag Rule (oh hey nevermind thanks man!) FOCA, and ERA if we've got the time.

Ding dang done.

Now that's out of the way, let's segue into the letters! Figures that the Globe would wait a day before posting a trio of letters relating to reproductive health and slut shaming.

First off we have Gwen Hunt's anti- abstinence ed argument, framed for Southwest Missourian consumption. How? Instead of leading on the fact that IT DOESN'T WORK, focus on the fact that it's not the federal government's responsibility. That's the conservative's line, which is sure to cause a glitch in the neocon padawan's mind. They haven't mastered the cognitive dissonance skills of their mentors, you see.

Second we have David Ship who almost! ALMOST! got the right idea (it's up to the people to reduce abortion), but then immediatly shoots it all down. We don't need a shame police- we need a shame MILITIA!

Step #4 had me rolling, since he readily admits that not blaming women is a new and radical concept for him--

"This is a new one, at least for me to advocate. Stop blaming the young woman as if she did it herself. It takes two to bring a child into this world. It is in one body, but two people brought it about. Let the young men know it is their fault too. Cast blame gently; firmly, but gently. You may only create a bigger problem by getting mean-spirited. But both parents are at fault."

We were hoping, by adopting an egalitarian outlook, that you'd stop blaming BOTH parties and knock it off with the puritanical nuttiness. You take what you can get I guess.

Notice the complete absence of what to do if a woman needs an abortion to, y'know, NOT DIE. I imagine he forgot that. What do you want from him? He's concerned about LIFE, damn it!

David Shipp may be bowing to our feminist overlords by not advocating government seizure of lady parts, but Rita Crowell is still kickin' it old school.

OBAAAAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAAAAA

2009-01-20T23:56:00.003-06:00

Still busted up. However, this day I couldn't help but be cheery despite missing all the inauguration festivities while languishing in a dreary waiting room all afternoon.

Quote of the day -- "Griffith talks to Republicans like they were dumb by nature, but the deepest thing in our nature is the dumb region of the heart where we vote for our families and our beliefs, not whether a person is black or white." --- Dan Walters, going NUH UH WE ARE NOT RACIST.

DA PAIN PART 2

2009-01-06T22:31:00.005-06:00

I have newfound respect for those souls who suffer a crippling injury or illness and are described by their friends and family as not being ones to wallow in self-pity or bitterness. I say this because I'm suffering a comparatively minor injury right now and OH MY GOD I AM SO FUCKING BITTER AND FULL OF IMPOTENT RAGE RIGHT NOW.

Let's try and be positive, shall we?

One bright spot in my day was this letter dissing the Oppositeer. I need to feature more snarky, intentionally funny Globean letters. They're there. Sometimes.

DA PAIN.

2009-01-04T22:03:00.004-06:00

Due to my being a colossal dumbfuck, I've managed to grievously injure myself. So expect light posts for the next six weeks, at least.

Here's your letters. Talk among yourselves.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T11:18:00.004-06:00

Ring in the new with this delectably nonsensical offering from Steve Goebel.

"Abortion is illegal, except where it isn't. Those people need to outlaw it because it's illegal, darn it!"

Witness the very picture of circular reasoning. And rambling reasoning. And non-reasoning...reasoning.

Also, you want to see what defensive bitter white people look like? You've probably seen it before, but if you want a refresher, read the comments on this Sunday column here.

Asterisk! Percent sign! Dollar sign! Pound sign!

2008-12-23T22:09:00.016-06:00

C. Keith Sigler, being a typical dittohead, has no artistic talents besides Post-Cubist Whingeing and Interpretive Bullshittery. Therefore he has to farm his ideas out to others. Maybe Kelly will take up your offer, Sigmiester. Or that guy who does Mallard Fillmore, assuming he hasn't wrapped his car around a tree again and finally offed himself.

Also there was some more godbag bwaps, the latter of which is from Rita Crowell. She's pissing and moaning because (Catholic!) Mike Pound didn't speak of sainthood in a hushed reverential whisper. And because he used comic strip profanity.

Seriously. She was mortily offended by "*%$#".

I will pay $5 to anyone who successfully exposes her to this blogpost, including the following colorful string of profanity...

"&%$#!" "#$&!" "&#$%" "$*%#!"

See what I did there? "Colorful" profanity! Ho ho ho HTML formatting is a SCREAM.

...fuck.

Slacking off quite vigorously

2008-12-18T09:53:00.005-06:00

I'm back at my undisclosed location with my craptacular NetZero connection. Huzzah. Let's see what I missed over the past few days, in no particular order.

-----------------------------------------

Rita Crowell ruins Christmas. Fuck.

-----------------------------------------

bwap bwap bwap baybees bwap bwap bwap Roman empire bwap bwap bwap ACLU

Also, Steve Goebel and Bill Hawkins did some random bwapping too. They're quite good at that. *

----------------------------------------

Linda Jackson is this season's first ~~utterly deluded waste of oxygen and gasoline~~ culture warrior to break out the War on Christmas meme. Indeed, Linda, let's be sure not to forget what this season is all about. I am, of course, talking about our Lord and Savior, George W. Bush.

---------------------------------------

[today]

These "emails" and texting whatzits are too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of the telephone!

[flashback to late 1800s]

Talking to someone over these "telephones" is too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of the telegraph!

[flashback to late 1790s]

These "telegraphs" are too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of the pen and parchment!

[flashback to whenever letter writing was invented]

This "letter writing" is too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of glyphs on stone!

[flashback]

These "glyphs" are too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of pictographs on cave walls!

[flashback]

These "pictographs" are too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of just talking to someone!

[flashback]

Grunt "talking" grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt! Grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt!

----------------------------------------

Anne Kettenbrink, did I tell you I want to have your babies? ANNE KETTENBRINK I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES.

*EDIT: I've received a question asking how to pronounce "bwap". It's supposed to rhyme with "hop". It's the sound of monotonous droning- picture muted trumpets and Charlie Brown specials.

Boobies!: The Holy Grail of Joplin Globe Madness

2008-12-02T16:43:00.011-06:00

Gather round, wee ones, and let ol' Cap'n Kaje tell you a tale.

Ol' Kaje is a crusty old sailor, with all the vitamin C deficiency that that entails. Ever since the Bush first ascended to the throne, I have spent many a morn' pouring over letters that would make a normal civilain dash their heads upon the rocks. I could take any letter tossed my way.

But one day, I met my match. I found a letter that was so horrible, so screwed up, so mad, that I reeled. This isn't hyperbole; I literally teetered a little bit and almost fell over. I'm assuming that's what "reeling" means. Ol' Kaje is a crusty old sailor with a healthy disdain for dictionaries and pronoun agreement.

This was the Holy Grail of stupid Globe letters...and it was similarly lost to the sands of time.

UNTIL NOW.

Do you DARE to brave the gaping maw of madness?

Then read on to face this gem from October 21, 2005...

"POOR ILLUSTRATION" BY PEGGY ELLIS OF JOPLIN, MISSOURI!

To this day, Ol' Kaje is still not entirely convinced that it's not a joke. Part of me, the beleaguered part of me that copes with this cruel universe day in and day out with no relief, wishes it is a joke. But then, that's not the the part of me that reads the Globe every day and reposts stupid letters on the internet. That part is Ol' Kaje.

In the eyes of this crusty ol' sailor, she even dwarfed efforts of Rita Crowell, who blamed breast cancer on abortion years later. I didn't even NOTICE it when it was first published (thanks to my secret contact Cletus Van Damme for the heads up, btw); I imagine that every time I saw a Globean letter regarding breast cancer, I thought back to the beast of yore. My eyes would gloss over, pining for the fish that got away, and I would curl up in a ball of self pity and bad memories.

But it's here now, on display for future generations to come. Let it be known that "Poor Illustration" is the MADDEST LETTER EVER WRITTEN TO THE GLOBE, EVER.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

EDIT:

I'm not making a new post for today's letter, because a) Peggy should remain at the top for awhile and b) today's letter is in the same spirit. I can forgive this writer because he's young, has obviously been raised in a Southwest Missouri "SEX IS THE WRONGEST THING IN THE WORLD" environment and doesn't know any better. Hopefully he'll grow up, stop the self-righteous obsession over other people's sexuality, and develop a healthier attitude toward sex.

We don't need any more Peggy Ellis clones, Zak. My advice to you? Ditch the ab-ed instructor. They're lying holier-than-thou psychos. It's not that hard to be celibate if that's what you want, and you don't need the "help" of said lying holier-than-thou psychos. Hell, a normal run-of-the-mill sexologist can advise you about abstinence without telling you that condoms don't prevent HIV transmission, that women who have abortions get breast cancer and that reading about that cancer will make you a big drooling pervert.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EDIT AGAIN:

AAAUGH I broke my promise that I would never link to my blog in a Globe comment WHY DID I DO THAT!

Ok, no worries gang, I'll just put up this protective talisman to ward off evil troll spirits...

Frankenletter!

2008-12-01T21:14:00.005-06:00

That's what crossed my mind when I read this letter by Jacqueline Camerer. The first paragraph is typical fundie wingnut "OBAMA IS AN UNAMERICAN MOOSLOOM FLAGBURNER PUPPYKICKER"; but then it segues into cynical centrist chastising of how only rich people have any real shot at the Presidency; finally winding down into leftist socialistic wealth distribution. And not "socialism" as in "secret codeword for anyone who threatens the status quo, especially black someones." I mean actual socialism.

It's like a typographic representation of a politcal spectrum rainbow. A very narrowly defined rainbow.

------------------------------------------------

Secret Word of the Day is "Clintonoid".

------------------------------------------------

Thanksgiving! Yay!

2008-11-27T10:13:00.004-06:00

To hold you over after you've gorged on turkey, read this very rare left-leaning letter guilt-tripping you for doing so, complete with a comment section comprised entirely of negative comments.

Politics, religion- all small fry compared to diet choices.

--------------------------------

..."community activator"?

2008-11-24T22:42:00.005-06:00

COMMENCE COMMUNITY ACTIVATING PROCEDURE. PLEASE STAND BY WHILE COMMUNITY IS BEING ACTIVATED.

"Post-racial" my lily white ass

2008-11-21T10:53:00.006-06:00

I'm more reluctant to rain on somebody's flowery Obama-gasm than the vast majority of my state, but still...

Please stop saying that electing Obama means that suddenly we're this magical post-racial society. When racial disparities are eradicated in crime, income, death/abuse/harassment and education levels, I might consider it.

In the meantime, half of my immediate family are stocking up on weapons for fear of "black riots." There's about nine black people in our town. NINE. I think you can only muster a "scuffle" or a "fracas" with nine people. I'd seriously be more worried about them forming a new softball team than a riot.

-------------------

Ignoring the inherent "OMG HOMO RIOTS" funniness of this letter, I'm more amused by the fact that he felt the need to clarify the shorthand form of his name. Thanks, man! I honestly would have sprung for "Ya" or "Min" if he hadn't pointed it out.

--------------------

Hey FBI! Homeland Security! You reading this?

2008-11-17T22:14:00.003-06:00

William Rozinek seems to be vaguely suggesting that he's thiiiiiiis close to taking drastic action against abortion. Uh oh. That usually means Not-At-All-Hypocritical Abortion Clinic Bombings/Murder/Terrorism. Keep a bead on this guy, folks. William Rozinek- the next Eric Rudolph?

He also claims to be able to hear the screams of a fetus. Dude must be crazy- but hey, if the little bastards* can sing, why not?

Also, Allen Shirley taints a perfectly valid argument** by virtue of him being a dipshit dittohead. I wouldn't be surprised if the last sentence was plagiarized straight from Michael Savage.

* going off on a tangent here...you ever notice that in pro-life fiction, the talking anthropomorphic fetus characters are almost always male? HOW 'BOUT DAT.

**somebody argued that canceling a paper subscription was extortion? I missed that. Assuming that was what the guy was arguing- I'll have to look him up.

BA DA BAP BA DAH, I'M LOVIN' IT (in the butt)

2008-11-16T21:28:00.003-06:00

Oh, Rita Rita Rita RITA. You are a DELIGHT!

Suspiciously obsessive fixations on homosexuality? Check!

Scare quotes, plus general contempt for the proper usage of this much-beleaguered punctuation mark? Check!

Espousing yet another futile values-based boycott of an unstoppable corporate juggernaut? Check!

Hilarious holier-than-thou grandstanding and foaming nuttiness? Check check CHECK!

The only thing more delicious and heart-clogging than your letters would be a juicy McRib sammich. Mmmmm...McRib. I think I'll get over my irrational hatred of Micky D's and buy one right now.

-----------------------------------

Here comes the fallout

2008-11-14T00:08:00.005-06:00

While there've been a few conservative post-election letters, they were but a mere trickle. Today marks the start of the full on downpour of bitterness and crazy. This'll either be really fun or really monotonous. I suspect the latter, so I'll be brief.

Joseph Yantis blames the McCain/Palin nominations on the liberal media. PARTY OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBLITY YOU GUYS.

Maurice Filson, among other things, pulls a Godwin. You know what pisses me off more than anything (right now at least)? It's 99.99999 percent certain that if this sonofabitch and all the other reactionary fuckwits like him lived in Germany at that time, they'd be the first ones turning their neighbors in to the authorities and signing their kids up for Hitler's Youth meetings. "Mismatched humankind." You're just a real paragon of humanitarianism, aren't you? You disingenuous fuckneck.

Pardon me, got serious and ranty for a second.

Poor guy got his yard sign stolen, too. Next thing you know, Democrats will be draping McCain signs onto bear cub corpses or hurling racial slurs or faking their own assaults or vandalizing entire vehicles or...oh wait...

That's exactly what MLK Jr. was talking about!

2008-11-12T14:25:00.004-06:00

John Cragin is happy because now that there's a black president, white people are truly free.

Thank God almighty, we’re free at last! Yes! So-called “whites” are freed of guilt for the sins of our predecessors.

(that wasn't me being sarcastic, he actually says that.)

Also, judging by the fifth sentence, he's ready for a hermaphrodite black president.

I would much rather it had been another black man or woman or both.

He may be more open-minded then I give him credit for...or, maybe he's just an illiterate doofus.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

THAT'S OUR SECRET WORD OF THE DAY! [SCREAMS]

2008-11-07T17:36:00.007-06:00

The secret word, of course, being "globean".

Seriously, folks, I'm going to use this word from now on. It's like Mr. Butler tailor made it just for me!

glo·be·an
n.

1. Of, relating to, or resembling the Joplin Globe.

2. One relating to, belonging to, or resembling the Joplin Globe.

IT'S A WORD NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS!

I snorted elitist-ickily (another new word!) at this-

[Joe Biden]'s the dumbest senator to ever run for vice president. I wonder if he can even spell potato.

-but then I realized that Dan Quayle was originally not in the Senate but in the House. Sneaky, Butler. I imagine the editing process went like this when Butler was writing-"He's the dumbest ~~politician~~ (oh crap Palin) ~~Congressman~~ (oh crap Quayle) senator to ever run..."

~~Nice attempt at a save, dude, but you completly forgot Ted Stevens~~. D'OH WHAT AM I SAYING TED STEVENS NEVER RAN FOR VICE PRESIDENT!

Merry Electionmas!

2008-11-04T20:40:00.006-06:00

Hope you all voted. My sincerest condolences to my Republican readers. All one of ya.

Maybe it's because I'm tired...

2008-11-03T21:59:00.002-06:00

...but I don't understand what the fuck the first paragraph has to do with the rest of the letter.

Bill Hawkins, you are no Steve Goebel, but you're getting there.

Reason is not your forte, my sweet.

2008-10-31T10:18:00.007-05:00

Dear Ms. Thomas;

It has come to our attention that, within a published letter critical of Barack HUSSIEN Obama, you postulated that the senator is a funny-named Arab that wants to kill white babies. While we appreciate your campaigning on our behalf, we find that your methods are outdated and not in line with group policy.

We mostly have an issue with your lack of subtlety. You openly state that Obama wants to destroy the white race. We here at The Legion of Idiotic Paranoid Racist Dillweeds find this to be too "on-the-nose", as it were. This repels potential allies from our cause.

We realize that you, like most of our members, have the intelligence of an overripe and very angry little eggplant. Therefore, we have taken the liberty of providing you with some talking points that convey the message without being so bare-assed about it.

*Instead of pointing that his name is Arab, simply insist on including his middle name whenever you address him. If that's too subtle for your intended audience, try emphaisizing his middle name with all caps. Note the example above.

*Try your best to disguise the real reason why you are opposed to family planning. We realize that our main concern is preserving the privileges of the Master Race (along with those of the Master Sex of that race) but racist social Darwinism is frowned upon and reflects poorly on us. Tell yourself and others that you care about BABIES, and nothing but BABIES.

We hope you keep these tips in mind when the time comes to write a letter bemoaning America's new president. Remember, we here at Legion of Idiotic Paranoid Racist Dillweeds appreciate you!

Sincerely,
The Legion of Idiotic Paranoid Racist Dillweeds

Way to Go, Globe

2008-10-29T16:12:00.001-05:00

No, seriously. I mean that.

Also, less seriously: ha ha ha you got the name wrong on this letter.

One- Word Commentaries

2008-10-27T20:59:00.004-05:00

Douchey!

Misanthropic!

Oppositeer!

Plagiarizing from Chain Letters!*

OBAMMUNISM!!!11!

*(I find the belief, that "one word commentaries" must be restricted to one word, to be elitist and un-American.)

I know there's some perfectly good stupid letters today...

2008-10-22T15:26:00.004-05:00

...but I'm neglecting them to officially endorse Susan Golis.

STOP SAYING "KUDOS!"

Blech

2008-10-19T21:08:00.009-05:00

I'm down with the sickness (WAH AH AH AH) right now, so I'll be brief.

Ray Downen is a psycho, and it's amusing. Bonus: he writes "pacifiers" instead of "pacifists." I have this mental image of Ghandi with a baby sucking on his head.

Also, the staff wrote about Bald Eagles. Uh oh. $5 says that the comment box will have some pro-lifer type going "WTF YOU CAN'T KILL ENDANGERED BIRDS FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES BUT WOMEN CAN KILL THEIR BAYBEEZ WHY IS THAT?!? FUCKING LIBS!!!!" by morning.

EDIT: Sonsabitches totally let me down! They usually bring it up every single fucking time someone mentions the scarcity of Bald Eagles. I probably jinxed it by posting my prediction. "Hey Kaje" probably read it and was all like, "Hey! That, my good sir/ma'am, was my thunder you stole!"

I love Burney's Lament, though. Good one, my anonymous friend. I guess he or she gets my $5.

EDIT AGAIN: I totally forgot these!

Matt Blunt actually did something nice? Whoa! Of course I imagine if he were a Democrat, someone would scream "bwap bwap bwap language police bwap bwap bwap political correctness bwap bwap"- oh wait! Someone did anyway!

Also, did the title of this letter remind anyone else of Can't Hardly Wait? "You are all sheep! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

But if feminism sucks, why are you voting for a female politician?

2008-10-15T23:21:00.016-05:00

You may have noticed that I've been neglecting election season letters (and every other kind of letter, for that matter, but forget about those for a second). That's because those letters are deluges of repetitive idiocy, the torrents of which erode even my hardy psychological exterior. For my health and sanity (coupled with work and apathy and such) I intended to wait until after Barack HUSSEIN Obama mops the floor with John SIDNEY McCain's stupid balding head to start posting again.

But Karen Clark cannot wait. Her letter is delicious; the kind of letter that spurred me to start this blog in the first place.

I'm so hyped up about it, I'm going to do a running commentary.

When Sarah Palin took little Trig into her arms and walked back and forth across the convention platform, she won the devotion of people who support life choices (I imagine the ones who value choices and life are predominantly voting O/B. She probably got them mixed up with "mindless biddies that can't handle anything less tame than an Anne Geddes photo or Beverly Hills Chihuahua." It's a common mistake for mindless biddies to make.) and pricked the dark part of the heart of America, the dark part that harbors abortion with all its pain and hatred for all those who desire to see loving nurture replace it.

"Loving nurture" in this context means women being treated like farm animals, women dying, an influx of unwanted people, and increased crime rates. But hey, that is the sacrifice we must make- otherwise you will have to live with THIS on your hands.

The radical feminists who got abortion legalized aren’t even charged the expense of emotional and mental counseling that is needed by many women who know they have made the wrong choice and cannot bear the guilt of taking a life.

I wonder how much counseling these women actually need. I also wonder how much of any emotional distress endured stems directly from psychotic control freaks constantly harassing and patronizing them.

They have been telling other women what they should think, feel, do and be since they got the headlines in the 1960s burning bras

(LOL WHUT?!?)

and chanting their power slogans. They shouted down and tried to intimidate all other voices, and got their way for a while.

The only ones who realized that women are actually autonomous people and fought the hardest for that fact to be recognized, are really bossing around the poor dears. Misogynist white dudes, Stepford wives and other ideological dinosaurs are the ones REALLY looking out for your freedom. War is Peace, doubleplusgood yadda yadda.

They have been indoctrinating women for generations and have lost all objectivity to the point of idiocy. (I’d rather be rescued by a woman (fire person) even if it meant being dragged by my feet because there is more oxygen near the floor, even though my head might be bumping down stairs.)

Karen Clark's idea of feminism- formulated after years of experience with those involved; or gained from an accumulation of throwaway lines from conservative windbags and lame "edgy" stand up comedians? Taking bets now.

Abortion is a monster that keeps on devouring and raking in millions of dollars ($500 dollars per procedure! I do believe that is one metric asston of cash! Especially by medical procedure standards!). It cannot be stopped.

Or can it?

(Nope- but it can be forced out of view into treacherous and unsanitary conditions!)

With the spotlight on unselfish love and devotion,

(Yes, with the spotlight on these unselfish *snrk* loving *snort* Repub- Republic- oh fuck I can't type it with a straight face YOU ARE A FUCKING RIOT)

maybe it can be. And that is what its proponents fear. Hatred and fear always bring bad judgment.

("Oh, before I forget let me remind you that Obama is a TERRORIST! A BLACK TERRORIST! HIS MIDDLE NAME IS HUSSEIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!")

Two candidates are pro-life. Two are pro-abortion. Will you choose the life platform or the death platform?

I'm voting for the pro-choice platform, you colluder piece of shit.

NOTE TO SELF : Never Name a Child "Rita".

2008-09-29T09:49:00.003-05:00

I'm ducking in real quick just to share a little something.

Check out this column, written by the Globe staff, regarding Banned Book Week.

Nothing unusual, right? Blah blah blah censorship is bad let's stick it to those prudish dillweeds blah blah blah. Just celebrating one of the few American holidays (holiweeks?) that is totally pure in its intention and loved by everyone, amirite?

I am right. But that's not what I'm blogging about. I'm blogging about the comments.

Can you believe I had never heard even one peep in disapproval of Banned Book Week before? Usually book banning dweebs are all like "We're not in favor of book banning-- except in this ONE CASE" or more often "we're not banning books, it's the (other political side) that's doing it!"

For some reason they usually leave this holiweek alone. Now there's three people (in all seriousness) saying that book banning is GOOD, Banned Book Week is BAAAD.

Goddamn I hate these people.

MARRY ME ANNE KETTENBRINK

2008-08-26T17:49:00.006-05:00

No letters today; I just wanted to share my newfound love with you.

Meet Anne Kettenbrink.

I was scoping for letters when I suddenly realized that there are other things to this "newspaper" racket other than funny papers and stupid letters. The headline screamed at me. "Bigfoot and other fake things?" It's a sad state of affairs, but with the media's (especially the Globe- ghost hunters anyone?) track record of peddling and humoring stupid bullshit, I was escatic to finally see a journalist say "You know what? This is stupid bullshit. And you should feel like a stupid, bullshitted person for even considering such a ludicrous notion". It's like finding an oasis in the desert.

And when I read the article, it was like finding not just an oasis, but an oasis full of hot naked people and pinball machines. For there is a goddess, a marvelously bitchy and opinionated diva, and her name is Anne Kettenbrink.

I combed some more articles. She also wrote this infamous column where she called people "morons" for voting the wrong way. She wrote a column asking people if they were too stupid to live. She has a vendetta against some dope who literally moved her cheese- she mentioned it in the previously mentioned column as well. Hell, she even apes Family Guy.

I apparently made a mistake when I assumed that the Globe staff were all a bunch of family newspaper dweebs, their most provocative columns bemusingly recounting their household gender dynamics; dynamics which differ little from your average crap sitcom. "HEY MY HUSBAND NEVER ASKS FOR DIRECTIONS!! AIN'T THAT JUST A KA-RAZY THING MEN DO?!? ALSO, WOMEN SHOP FOR CANDLES AND BASKETS AND HAVE VAGOOOOOS!!!!!"

Sorry, went off on a tangent there. Anyway, be on the lookout for that Anne character. Hopefully, she'll show up on this blog again.

Yes, Cindy, Stacy's mom does indeed have it going on.

2008-08-16T21:06:00.006-05:00

Yeah, I haven't updated in over two months. Nobody told me that maintaining a blog was haaaaaaaaard.

It wasn't for lack of material. From good ol' Rita to Riley T. to the Douchey Professor (seriously, read his letter, it's one of the douchiest things ever published in the section) to AHHHH VEGGIE PIZZAS!

In the meantime, enjoy this hilarious pearl-clutching column by Cindy Sigler Dagnan. The best part----"I snorted Starbucks up my nose the other day when I caught the gist of a song whose words, I believe, included the phrase, “Stacy’s mom has got it goin’ on.” Well. Good for Stacy’s mom. Or is it? "

The Theory of Rita-tivity

2008-06-30T22:20:00.007-05:00

Over the years I have read many of Rita Crowell’s letters to the editor, like the one printed today. I think now is the perfect time to unveil one of my pet theories of the universe, which I call the Theory of Rita-tivity.

This theoretical model hypothesizes that Rita Crowell's statements have the ability to alter reality itself, for it's the law of nature for her to be always wrong.

If she says that grass is green, it will sprout purple. If she refers to you as a “she”, check yourself - you probably have male genitalia now, even if you didn’t have any before. If she calls a cow a cow, it will magically transform into a vacuum cleaner. If she ever said "I am always wrong", the fabric of reality would totally unravel. (Right now I'm petitioning her to write a letter declaring that I do NOT have a suitcase full of 5 million dollars stashed under my bed. I'm hoping that she will say "no".)

If she were smart, she'd say "gay marriage is ok and not at all threatening to straight marriage and will one day be legal!", for it would immediately become untrue. Unless she’s actually a vigilant humanist, keeping reality in check with her actions. Maybe there’s a whole network of people with these powers, unceasingly proclaiming the opposite of things! Maybe they’re called “Oppositeers” and they all have wrist communicators and uniforms and laser guns and a secret satellite HQ high above the earth! And they greet each other by saying “Goodbye, hated enemy!”, because they do everything the opposite way. And they eat with their butts.

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I only have two letters from Riley T. Jay in my data collection, but I’m starting to formulate a similar hypothesis. Hypothesis: Riley T. Jay always has screwed up priorities, and is often wrong. I need more data, however.

I also hypothesize that he is allergic to the word “Earth” and has to have someone else type it for him or else he breaks into hives.
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Mike Pound is all like HYUCK HYUCK WOMEN AND MEN ARE DIFFERENT HYUCK HYUCK. Next week’s topic: What's the Deal With Airline Food?

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That one looks Jewish/ And that one’s a coon!/ Who let all this riffraff into the room?

2008-06-27T15:21:00.005-05:00

Fri and Sat letters are up, and it looks like Privileged-Americans are fed up! With several things.

First, the Globe tells the tale of the official who referenced the KKK. Dude, the KKK isn’t the way to go. You have to be more subtle, like the much put-upon white folks featured below.

Paul Butler blames the historical illiteracy of America’s youth on multicultural studies. Apparently he has never gone to public school, especially around here. I can attest that we never ventured outside the U.S. unless absolutely necessary. The places where they teach stuff about Asian and African cultures are the places where the kids actually learn history. We basically learned 4th grade US government, and we re-learned it every grade. Of course, around here people are more interested in shooting squirrels with BB guns, so even that didn’t sink in for most of them.

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Richard McClure thinks only straight white Christians should have a voice in a mainstream paper. Those people who point out racism are SO TERRIBLY RACIST, y’know?

Five bucks says that McClure is the kind of guy who sees something like BET or Women’s History Month and goes “How come we mainstream people don't have our own channel/month/newspaper/space? WE ARE SO PERSECUTED OMG REVERSE RACISM IS THE ONLY REAL RACISM PC POLICE EVERYWHERE AAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ”

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John Franz thinks everyone besides rich straight whites do not deserve to whine as much as he does.

My favorite part? “…my favorite minority, Caucasians”, which is where John slips up. You’re supposed to present yourself as the one true non-racist, unfairly persecuted by welfare queens and other racial rabble-rousers who discriminate against the noble white man.

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Bill Hawkins puts scare quotes around “gay.” I imagine, like John Franz above, he wants to reclaim it. Have fun with that, you two gay old guys.

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Where were you when the Maggie stopped turning on that September day?

2008-06-25T22:09:00.004-05:00

Esther Berlanga-Ryan wants to make you cry today.

Esther, if you want to write for ~~Chicken Soup for the Soul~~ the Globe, I have some advice. Personally I find the last sentence kind of clashing with the rest. I can’t help but hear it in annoying little sister talk. “Guh! What did you THINK I was talking about! I mean seriously, DUH!”

Also, you forgot to include Jesus and/or a kid with cancer. We want to see some waterworks here, honey!

You’re well on your way to be a prolific glurge email writer. And to my trash folder where I keep all those emails.

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When I started reading this letter, I had my trigger finger on the comment button, ready to combat the Dipshit Pro-Life Woman Hater’s Club. I was chomping at the bit (literally- they make me wear this so I stop eating babies) to demolish this argument.

But then I noticed the name. Attaching that name to the end of the argument does all the work of debunking it for me.

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I have yet another tip to lower our nation’s gasoline consumption.

Kevin, STOP HUFFING IT SO MUCH.

Bible Quotes- UR DOIN' IT RONG

2008-06-22T23:14:00.007-05:00

Look out, some villainous reporter caught wind of me. Go over there and take him out before it's too late! ( By "take him out", I mean "read his blog." Also "villainous" in this context means "swell." )

Mustn't forget the letters. Riley T. Jay writes in to remind us that whenever you buy recycled printer paper, you might as well erect a golden calf statue on your lawn.

I'm not convinced that them dirty hippie types (in this context, anyone who has ever thought "Hey, maybe dumping pig feces into the drinking water and converting entire states into landfills are not such bright ideas!") really value the environment over humanity. However, if they do, I know why- it's because dilweeds like Jay make the rest of us look bad. I know that after growing up surrounded by people like this guy, I'd much prefer the company of baby seals. I mean, seals are dumb, but they're supposed to be dumb. A seal's never going to imply that believing in heroes and causes instead of one random dope's personal idea of a deity is a bad thing to do.

Meanwhile, C. Keith Sigler is here to show us the ropes on the delicate art of Bible Quoting.

Remember folks, when you're cherry picking the Bible, you have to do it the RIGHT way. Some more tips from moi:

Tip 1: Don't refer to it as cherry picking. That's what your opponents do. You interpret.

Tip 2: Remember that our modern secular society is utterly inadequate to deal with moral issues. The Bible is the one true moral path...unless something doesn't sit well with your modern values. Then you can chuck it.

Tip 3: You can ignore pretty much everything from Leviticus. EXCEPT FOR THE PARTS REGARDING GAY HOMO QUEERMOSEXUALS. This is essential.

Tip 4: Just ignore the historical misogynistic/racist/otherwise horrible customs of the church justified by scripture- all those ancient Christians just read it wrong. You are much, much more enlightened than they were (but not in a nasty secular sense no no no)!!!!

Tip 5: At the end of your argument be sure to point out just how GOOD and RIGHTEOUS you are, because your opponent is OBVIOUSLY a BIG SMELLY FATHEAD but you forgive him and will pray for him anyway because you are JUST THAT DAMN RIGHTEOUS AND NICE AND CHRISTLIKE. Unlike stupid biased SMELLY McFATHEAD there.

Tune in next time for some more Bible Quotin' Tips!

You know, if you abandon logic, you'll find my logic sound.

2008-06-19T10:53:00.012-05:00

Apologies for my laziness. Damn work getting in the way of my completely trivial and pointless hobbies!

A while ago, Chris Cook challenged gay marriage opponents to offer an argument that was neither religious nor otherwise idiotic. An impossible task, but they’re trying their best.

Huh, where to start where to start...

The first "point" (more like a rubber stopper) reminds me of Henry Ford, who once said regarding the Model T: "It's available in any color you want, as long as that color is black." Of course, Ford was joking. It wouldn't be the first time that conservatives based their beliefs on things that normal people would consider jokes.

The Anita Bryant thing is just fucking LAZY. Unless Keith lives in a swamp, what's stopping him from firing up Google and looking it up himself?

I love the last paragraph the best. “Ah HA! Watch as I devastate your argument by admitting that my worldview has no basis other than my interpetation of an ancient mythology! Suck on that, fagboy!”

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Meanwhile, I don’t know if this desperation-reeking letter is sad or funny.

On the one hand he’s clearly in a pitiful state of denial, grasping desperatly for straws. On the other hand…he’s clearly in a pitiful state of denial, grasping desperatly for straws. Plus the word “Iraqastan” is gold. I’m going for both sad and funny.

(As an aside, bugs would be a good resource if we ever get into a food crisis. There’s tons of the fuckers and I can attest that many are quite yummy. But I digress.)

WAIT! According to the comments, Mr. Udell was being sarcastic. D’oh! I hate it when that happens. I wonder if that includes the Limbaugh-esque “huh huh all Mooslooms are interchangeable” sentiment.
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Also, from yesterday, this guy knows how to handle the affairs of minorities better than the minorities in question.

HE IS NOT RACIST YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY.

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Love Me, I'm a Liberal Democrat!

2008-06-11T21:38:00.007-05:00

Let's use our time travel powers to post Thursday letters!

You may have noticed that, more often than not, this blog focuses on conservative letters more than liberal letters. Four reasons:

1. The Globe gets more conservative letters, period. Therefore, the percentage of wingnuts is always going to be higher than moonbats.

2. Any leftwing letters the Globe gets are usually too tame, sane, well-written and all-around unremarkable for this blog. Alien abductees, Scientologists and 9/11 conspirators are few and far between.

3. Most stupid people are conservative. John Stuart Mill knew it, Colbert knows it, dogs know it. It's a fact of life.

4. It's my blog, I can post whatever I want, so nyeh.

Today, however, conservatives get a break. Let's have a look.

Let's start with this guy. He's a liberal- he says so in the first sentence! He also thinks we should declare war on the entire Middle East to get their oil.

Um.

Meanwhile, we have someone weighing in on the homeless controversy.* It's a typical "mean people suck" letter. These letters tend to be well-intended; but also preachy, cliched and overwrought.

Here's a fun drinking game: reread this letter and take one drink whenever the word "bigot" or any of its variants show up. Reread over and over until drunk. This is why we have thesauruses, people.

*For those not up to date, the City of Refuge is a religious organization that wants to build a homeless shelter in Joplin. Some people were all like, "Eww! Homeless people! Lowered property values!", and the other side was all like "Eww! Snotty heartless bigots!", and there was a small minority going "Eww! Evangelical vultures bribing people with basic necessities!" Most of these letters ended right before the blog started.

Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven. Also, heterosexual.

2008-06-10T15:09:00.004-05:00

Ever since Eve plucked the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, every person in this world has been plagued with sin. All sins are equal in the eyes of the Lord, and the simple act of accepting Jesus Christ into your heart will absolve you. All sins can be forgiven, so sayeth the Lord.

Wait, did I say “all sins”? I’m sorry, I meant every sin except the gay buttsex.

I mean, seriously, YUCKIES.

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MEANWHILE

Steve Goebel’s brain poops on a piece of stationary; sends it to Globe.

Francis G. Bliss thinks that citizenship hinges on whether you have a gun or not. (Hey! That reminds me of Starship Troopers!) He also states that Sarah wasn't pandering to the media; then he goes on about how you HAVE to do goofy stunts to...pander to the media.

From this letter we can conclude that Steelman was not pandering to the media; she was just catering to their lower tastes and desires.

Finally, LOLWTF?

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Gloomy Sunday

2008-06-08T11:28:00.008-05:00

Sunday letters are up, and all of them are too mellow and tame for this blog. Heck, this one writer actually made an effort to not include a bible quote! She did such a good job that I'm just going to pick on her argument in earnest.

This is probably one of the best (and few) secular arguments that homophobes have, which is why it's so often repeated. "Every ancient civilization that embraced the gays has DIED OUT!!!!"

Which is true. But so did the ancient civilizations that didn't. That's kind of why they're called "ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS".

I find it especially amusing when Christians use this argument in regards to Ancient Rome. Christians. Ancient Rome. Blaming it on something else. Lol.

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MEANWHILE

Aw man, I really don't want to pick on kids. Damn you Globe! THAT'S CHEATING! Ah well, their first editorial was well-argued and not insane, so my worries are probably for nothing.

Kudos

2008-06-06T10:18:00.007-05:00

Susan Golis really, really does not like the word “kudos”.

Now she’s getting jumped on in the comments for wasting space that could have gone to more important topics; topics like “Did Jesus ride a Triceratops to school?” or “Bush did 9/11!” no doubt. However, I feel this is a much more stimulating topic. If you were a Language Nazi like Susie here, what words would be rounded up by your Language Gestapo?

My Top 10:

1. “Politically incorrect” and all variants thereof. It’s just a PC term for “reactionary asshole”. Whiny, snotty Archie Bunkers who feel their special privileges being rightfully stripped away and are sooooo offended.

2. “Multitasking”: Never liked this word, never will, and no I don’t have a reason. Just say “doing more than one thing at a time.”

3. “Activist judge”: Used exclusively by people who have no idea how government and judiciary works. Yeah, the judge declared that your stupid mob mentality wasn't gonna cut it. THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO DO, YOU STUPID FUCKERS. Go watch some Schoolhouse Rock, or take a sixth grade social studies class, and then get back with us.

4. “Vagina”: This one wouldn't be banned; however the proper usage would be strictly enforced. When most people say “vagina”, they mean “vulva”, which sounds sexier anyway besides being the accurate term.

5. “Ironic”: See “Vagina”.

6. “Emo:” Fine when used with actual emo things. However, when anyone is anything besides a bubbly or aggressive extrovert, they’re suddenly “emo”. I’m sorry, but actual emotions kind of predated your much-maligned subculture since THE DAWN OF HUMANITY.

7. “Empowered:” Similar to “multitasking”, no particular reasoning behind this. How about “I feel grrrrrrrrrreat!”, I feel inspired!”, “I feel like I can kick all kinds of ass!”, instead.

8. "Homemade:" Food companies use it all the time, and it's false advertising and annoying besides. Unless you have some squatters in your processing plant, or the manager of your fast food joint sleeps in a cot in the basement, it is not made in a home and is therefore not homemade. At the very least, use "homestyle" instead.

9. "Chiropractor:" Change to "Overpaid Quack Backcrackers". Or "Backquackers." Heh.

10. Any combination of "traditional" "family" and/or "values": Used almost exclusively, and thus perverted, by insecure, fun-ruining control freaks with effed up belief systems.

See? It’s not a waste of a topic at all! Kudos to Susan for bringing it up!

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UPDATE: Weekend letters are up, and they all suck so they're not being posted here. Bummer.

Ladies and Gentlemen, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRITA!

2008-06-05T11:46:00.006-05:00

Glorious day! Rita Crowell, upon hearing my pleas for introductory material, sent us a two-pager! Now you know why I was pining so- no one can make a nutty letter quite like Rita. Sure, any dipshit godbag can buy an internet chain letter hook, line and sinker. However, it takes a special sort of insane to copy-paste it, sprinkle you own brand of nuttiness on it, and send it in for publishing.

(no picture yet, computer is being a d-bag)

Never stop, Rita. Every amero paid to read the Globe is worth it.

(FUN FACT: Some of the original ideas for this blog's name included "The Rita Filter" and "Friends of Rita". I finally decided that they were too vague for n00bs.)

JESUS CHRIST IT'S A BEAR GET IN THE CAR

2008-06-03T07:42:00.004-05:00

The world is a frightening place. The economy is going belly up. Terrorists, extremists, criminals and perverts run wild in the world. The once great nation is losing its lauded title “Leader of the Free World” as other nations one-up it in civil rights, living standards and job opportunities. It's enough to send one to the edge of panicking.

Wait. Wait just one goddamned minute.

Did someone just say “BEARS”?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH THE SIERRA CLUB IS BREEDING BEARS TO EAT US ALL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Fuck this shit. I'm moving to Antarctica.

ADAM AND EVE NOT ADAM AND STEVE

2008-05-30T10:42:00.002-05:00

It's Friday, which means letters for the weekend are up too. HUZZAH.

Since Globe letters have a tendency to disappear after a time, I'm going to try taking screenshots of the more interesting ones (that fit on my screen, at least).

Ed Breen shares his thoughts on gay marriage. Like most homophobe letters, it's comprised mostly of "California is Evil", "The Majority Religion is SOOOO persecuted" and "Marriage is for Baybeez*". He gets bonus points for the phrase "out-of-country beings", which I don't think any English speaker has ever used ever. All in all, a delight to read. Keep on writing in, Ed.

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Meanwhile, Allan Shirley says that if it weren't for THEM DIRTY HIPPIES, we'd be diving in swimming pools of oil, Scrooge McDuck style. Never mind that any oil drilled in Alaska will go on the global market and thus out of the country. Never mind that if given the rights the oil company would probably just sit on it to increase demand. But who needs dumb trees and animals and stuff? My penis needs my SUV, and my SUV needs GAS.

Speaking of shrinkydink Republicans, why is Sarah Steelman acting like one? A move like that is straight out of Chapter One of Coping with Your Piggley-Wiggly Dick for Dummies. She's a girl, so she doesn't have a Republican micropenis that needs to be propped up with guns, huge vehicles, anti-abortion legislation and beating up queers. The Globe staff called it- it's her base whose fears need to be soothed. "See guys? I may have a vagina but I know how much you need to think that you're a straight shooter! IfyouknowwhatImean..."

*nevermind those heteros who can't or won't have children. Just ignore them.

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Try and figure out how many angels can dance on the head of a pin while you're at it.

2008-05-27T22:17:00.005-05:00

If you're not from around here, you may not be aware that our region often ends up on the business end of Mother Nature's Whomping Stick, especially recently. It wasn't long after these storms that Jo Nell Thompson in with their half-assed Bible Study topic. "Does God Control the Weather?"

Today we have the second response letter. The "debate", as is usual of fundie debates, is tossing out bible quotes in lieu of evidence or even logic and hoping that no one notices. WELL I'M CONVINCED.

Anyway, they're all wrong. Pollatac the Destroyer controls the weather from his volcano home. He sends out Storm Harpies to random locations every evening, to express his displeasure with the human race. The Dark Tome of Pollatac is quite clear on this.

MEANWHILE - Bill Hawkins blames autism on our insular, fast food eating lifestyle. Well, at least he's not blaming vaccines or fluoride in the water. I hope that sentence illustrates the kind of scientific literacy to expect from these pages.

And...nothing.

2008-05-27T12:33:00.004-05:00

So the first day out chronicling the Globe...and there's no new letters. Just the staff editorial. Lameness.

Instead let's look at the comment function, and complain about it. Pick an article and follow along!

Most other websites have the comments section below the article, or on another page, or if they're real obnoxious it opens up a new window. The Globe's site uses a tiny, near unnoticeable frame - less annoying than a pop-up, but only just.

Try and leave a comment on your article now. You notice there's a name and email field. Why there's an email field, I don't know. It's not required to post, and it doesn't show up anywhere if you do use it. It'd be nice to have the option of leaving contact info in case you're the kind of person who wants to hook up with rambling incoherent creationists. Also, you don't even have to use a name at all, or (since there's no way to distinguish different posters other than faith in human honesty) you can pretend to be someone else. Go on, put Leroy in the name field. We can never have too many Leroys.

Now send your comment and wait. Is it up yet? If it is, you've probably noticed that your lovingly rendered swath of poetry is now a hideous monolithic block of type. You've uncovered the most aggravating aspect of Globe comments. No formatting allowed.

No tabs. No double spacing. No italics or bold. Just a big nasty wall of text.

Now I'm no programming major, but surely they could tell the little goblins on the inside of the computer monitor to have a little more pride in their art. Unless that is the intent- incoherent design for incoherent comments. On a second look the hideous Block O' Text does nicely complement the Block o' Dumb.

Greetings, Friends of Rita

2008-05-26T13:23:00.005-05:00

Does anyone even read the comics anymore? I know I do, but only on Sunday, and only the good ones*, which isn't very many. Hell, a lot of them are soulless husks written by committee, computer, or senile old cartoonists due to be replaced by computer committees. Those ones I skim just to enrage myself, which I'm wont to do.

The days have long passed since one could turn to the funnies for a smile. I found out, sometime way back in middle school, where the real laughs are held in your family newspaper.

That place is the Voices section. That wonderful, magical place; that wildlife reserve dedicated to preserve those most rare and beautiful of God's creatures - the Crazies, the Whiners, the Stupids. Look! To your far right, you'll see the dazzling plumage of the Rita Crowell, tinged with subtle shades of insanity and godbaggery. To your left you'll see a Northern Well-Intentioned Leftie, trying valiantly to teach pigs to sing. Oh no, a Leroy is attacking the boat AAAAAAHHHH

For too long I have kept my Globe mockings to myself- the time has come to share this gift with the world. Watch this space for prime nuttiness, my friends, and feel free to skip the funnies.

*which nowadays amounts to Lio. Man I love Lio. And that one that replaced Doonesbury with the girl and the horse is good sometimes.