Way to Go, Globe

No, seriously. I mean that.

Also, less seriously: ha ha ha you got the name wrong on this letter.

MARRY ME ANNE KETTENBRINK

No letters today; I just wanted to share my newfound love with you.

Meet Anne Kettenbrink.

I was scoping for letters when I suddenly realized that there are other things to this "newspaper" racket other than funny papers and stupid letters. The headline screamed at me. "Bigfoot and other fake things?" It's a sad state of affairs, but with the media's (especially the Globe- ghost hunters anyone?) track record of peddling and humoring stupid bullshit, I was escatic to finally see a journalist say "You know what? This is stupid bullshit. And you should feel like a stupid, bullshitted person for even considering such a ludicrous notion". It's like finding an oasis in the desert.

And when I read the article, it was like finding not just an oasis, but an oasis full of hot naked people and pinball machines. For there is a goddess, a marvelously bitchy and opinionated diva, and her name is Anne Kettenbrink.

I combed some more articles. She also wrote this infamous column where she called people "morons" for voting the wrong way. She wrote a column asking people if they were too stupid to live. She has a vendetta against some dope who literally moved her cheese- she mentioned it in the previously mentioned column as well. Hell, she even apes Family Guy.

I apparently made a mistake when I assumed that the Globe staff were all a bunch of family newspaper dweebs, their most provocative columns bemusingly recounting their household gender dynamics; dynamics which differ little from your average crap sitcom. "HEY MY HUSBAND NEVER ASKS FOR DIRECTIONS!! AIN'T THAT JUST A KA-RAZY THING MEN DO?!? ALSO, WOMEN SHOP FOR CANDLES AND BASKETS AND HAVE VAGOOOOOS!!!!!"

Sorry, went off on a tangent there. Anyway, be on the lookout for that Anne character. Hopefully, she'll show up on this blog again.

Gloomy Sunday

Sunday letters are up, and all of them are too mellow and tame for this blog. Heck, this one writer actually made an effort to not include a bible quote! She did such a good job that I'm just going to pick on her argument in earnest.

This is probably one of the best (and few) secular arguments that homophobes have, which is why it's so often repeated. "Every ancient civilization that embraced the gays has DIED OUT!!!!"

Which is true. But so did the ancient civilizations that didn't. That's kind of why they're called "ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS".

I find it especially amusing when Christians use this argument in regards to Ancient Rome. Christians. Ancient Rome. Blaming it on something else. Lol.

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MEANWHILE

Aw man, I really don't want to pick on kids. Damn you Globe! THAT'S CHEATING! Ah well, their first editorial was well-argued and not insane, so my worries are probably for nothing.

And...nothing.

So the first day out chronicling the Globe...and there's no new letters. Just the staff editorial. Lameness.

Instead let's look at the comment function, and complain about it. Pick an article and follow along!

Most other websites have the comments section below the article, or on another page, or if they're real obnoxious it opens up a new window. The Globe's site uses a tiny, near unnoticeable frame - less annoying than a pop-up, but only just.

Try and leave a comment on your article now. You notice there's a name and email field. Why there's an email field, I don't know. It's not required to post, and it doesn't show up anywhere if you do use it. It'd be nice to have the option of leaving contact info in case you're the kind of person who wants to hook up with rambling incoherent creationists. Also, you don't even have to use a name at all, or (since there's no way to distinguish different posters other than faith in human honesty) you can pretend to be someone else. Go on, put Leroy in the name field. We can never have too many Leroys.

Now send your comment and wait. Is it up yet? If it is, you've probably noticed that your lovingly rendered swath of poetry is now a hideous monolithic block of type. You've uncovered the most aggravating aspect of Globe comments. No formatting allowed.

No tabs. No double spacing. No italics or bold. Just a big nasty wall of text.

Now I'm no programming major, but surely they could tell the little goblins on the inside of the computer monitor to have a little more pride in their art. Unless that is the intent- incoherent design for incoherent comments. On a second look the hideous Block O' Text does nicely complement the Block o' Dumb.