JGM has moved or ceased to exist, we do not know yet!

Here's my new blog. Moving to the Globe blogs, hopefully.

Also hopefully! They may consider letting me do a tamer, more paper friendly edition of Joplin Globe Madness. We shall see.

If Joplin Globe Madness is done, thanks for reading! If it isn't, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT READING IT?

New Globe Supplement: Profiles in Idiocy

I feel a little overwhelmed. When one looks at the contenders in the First Annual Peggies, you see a few gems scattered throughout the year. After those were wrapped up, the next year of Joplin Globe Madness began. But barely a month has passed, and already we may have enough material for next May.

Seriously, look at this shit. It's GOLD. Phyllis League thinks the ozone layer is mosquito netting and that holes are caused by rockets piercing it. And also the thrust of the rockets has a disastrous effect on the earth's axis. I imagine she also thinks that if we launch enough rockets, the earth will spin backward. Which, of course, causes time to run in reverse.

Meanwhile, I noticed that one of the Globe's online commentators got a writeup by Scott Meeker. Awesome.

You know who else owned a dog? Hitler, that's who!

Here's some Obama derangement for ya.

Good Lord, you mean to tell me that not only does Obama eat spicy mustard and bump people's fists, he has a DOG too? MY GOD WHAT IS THIS MONSTER WE'VE ELECTED?!?

I wasn't too helpful when I critiqued Garland's Tibet letter, but this guy's response is still pretty useless. "Who cares about your crap country? Our country is being run by a Democrat. A Democrat with a dog."

I didn’t even know you could do that…

What infuriates me the most about this letter isn’t its Paleolithic view of women, or the slight-of-hand contempt toward men as well (seriously kids, what do you care if your Daddy comes home in a casket?).

What offends me the most is the fact that it’s a rerun. This letter first ran (to my knowledge) when I was in high school. I know this because I had a response published under my real name. I basically just did a satire of her letter with burkas, kitchens, the whole works. Some people didn’t read her letter first and took mine as genuine. I will post proof as soon as I can dig it up again.

Claudia Owens, you colluder piece of crap, if you’re going to be a self-hating sell-out to the patriarchy, will you at least not be so fucking lazy as to reprint an old letter of yours? For fuck’s sake.

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By the by, I am now an elite member of the Joplin Freethinkers. Come meet up with us every Thursday in Ewert Park!

CHILDREEEEEN!!!!!

A woman named Zelma Shanks should not complain about tackiness. Seriously, I’ve seen less tacky names used by drag queens.

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Oh Dan Dan Dan Dan DAN. I like this guy more and more every time he writes. It’s like Steve Goebel and Rita Crowell totally porked and had a kid.

I don’t know which part I like best! “Intellectual marijuana?” “Bush‘s reasoned errors?” The fact that he actually uses Dijongate even after every other right winger realized it was too stupid and embarrassing to use?

I know it’s early, but this has to be in next year’s Peggies. Unless he tops himself.

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So James Wheeler says that gays shouldn’t have marriage rights because marriage is important to raising children.

“But wait! Not only is marriage being essential to a healthy child not really true, and not only do many straight couples not have children, but gays can adopt kids as well- so they can get married, right?”

"No!", says Wheeler, "If too many people get married than they’ll be leeches on society! Our culture feels entitled to government perks, when they should be self-reliant! Bootstraps!"

"OK, so if you’re all about self-reliance, then maybe the government should get out of marriage completely? Let that be handled by the churches and the families!"

"No!" says Wheeler, "If that happens, then…children, y’know? Children!!! I HAVE A LOGICAL SECULAR ARGUMENT AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE!!!!!!!"

Envelope Please!

You voted in masse (all seven of you) in the Peggies, and now let your voices be heard!

Best Frequent Letter Writer- With 83% of the vote, it's Rita Crowell in a landslide. Was there really any doubt? Riley T. garnered a distant second with only one vote.

Best Guest Column- This was a tight heat, but apparently more people got their handles cranked by the Douchey Professor than Cindy. She doesn't mind- she's far too modest for that.

Best Letter- Another landslide, Carol "maybe the Obama ate your baby" Thomas walked away with 80% of the vote. Karen Clark got only one vote, alas.

I just noticed that all the people I voted for, lost. Bummer.

Congrats to all the winners, piss on all the losers!

Wait...Free Who Now?

I honestly don't know where I stand on the whole Free Tibet thing, as both parties sound pretty unsavory. This letter doesn't help. Drashi says Tibet should be free. OK. Then he says that it wasn't a peaceful utopia. All right, a caveat's fine, go for it. He then proceeds to make the old Tibet sound like an absolute oppressive shithole. Then he abruptly adds

Thanks for reminding your readers of the need for a free Tibet.

Um...dude? When you add a caveat like that you're supposed to bounce back up with some positive things to say. Otherwise it makes us wonder why Tibetan citizens should be free from the murderous Chinese so they can go back to murdering each other in holy wars. I guess he just trusted that everyone read and remembered the original Globe article, which may or may not have listed good things. Honestly? I don't remember reading it.

Meanwhile, Riley T's last letter was so nice he said it twice! He says that without "loving ourselves" (i.e. capitalism NOT MASTURBATION YOU GODLESS PERVERT SICKOSEXUALS), the commandment “love our neighbor as we love ourselves” is completely useless.

Course, it's useless without the first half too, but hey!


Finally, I more or less agree with the following letter, (hey fuck you! I like trees!) but the use of the word "mutilate" kind of rubs me the wrong way.

I also like how in the last sentence she reveals she doesn't care so much about trees as much as HER trees, specifically. Fuck those other trees in other, less eco-friendly towns!