New Globe Supplement: Profiles in Idiocy

I feel a little overwhelmed. When one looks at the contenders in the First Annual Peggies, you see a few gems scattered throughout the year. After those were wrapped up, the next year of Joplin Globe Madness began. But barely a month has passed, and already we may have enough material for next May.

Seriously, look at this shit. It's GOLD. Phyllis League thinks the ozone layer is mosquito netting and that holes are caused by rockets piercing it. And also the thrust of the rockets has a disastrous effect on the earth's axis. I imagine she also thinks that if we launch enough rockets, the earth will spin backward. Which, of course, causes time to run in reverse.

Meanwhile, I noticed that one of the Globe's online commentators got a writeup by Scott Meeker. Awesome.

Post Philosopher

I may have lumped Dan Walters in a twofer on the Best Frequent Letter Writers Poll (which may I remind you, is on the left side of your screen and is just aching for your vote). However, with every letter he writes I suspect that he deserves to be in a class all his own.

Bible quotes? Check. Creepy obsession with breeding and overpopulating the place? Check. “Political correctness?” Check. Homophobia and anti-feminism? Check. Preaching Biblical values while simultaneously lauding capitalism? Check.

If you haven’t voted yet, don’t be afraid to cast Dan a vote (if you so desire)! We have faith in you now, Dan!

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Of course, you can also vote for Jim Keener. $5 says that Jim Keener’s “old philosopher” doesn't really exist. Philosophers, as a general rule, are not concerned about "post turtles". They're probably more concerned about "sky turtles."

That was a long way to go for a historical reference disguised as a joke.

Long story short-- no philosopher worth his salt would be peddling email forward "folksy wisdom" as a point to ponder.

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Meanwhile, Bill Hicks once credited good music to drug use. What do you get without recreational drug use? Wal-Mart music.

C. Keith Sigler is in the Guest Column poll, by the way. Vote!

Pass the Pabst Blue Ribbon, Riley T-Dog

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Never Mind the Never Mind

Darn it all, I‘m putting off my hiatus until after this post. I can’t stay away, not with these three doozies!

Francis G. Bliss tries to stir up taxpayer rage against imprisoning murderers for life. Never mind that the death penalty actually costs six times as much, or all that crap that that hippie Jesus said, but whatevs.



My favorite part is the last sentence. “Get some female pregnant?” Way to go out of your way to dehumanize women, dude.


Ed Goebel thinks that we don’t need animal abuse laws or other sorts of animal welfare because humans have a natural compassion for animals.

In the same breath he says that God made animals humanity’s meaty playthings. Hmm.

And finally, the jewel of the day’s harvest…Jim Keener, a 9/11 conspiracy dude!



You know how I can dismiss 9/11 conspirators out of hand? If it’s true that the Bush Administration planned the attacks, they probably would’ve grudgingly admitted it after some half-hearted denials. The Republicans would spin this into a good thing, and the Democrats and the media would roll over for them. The few non-sickos would’ve gotten upset, and this would be perceived as “whining” by the apathetic and the humanity-hating TV-sick jackoffs. Before you knew it you’d see bumper stickers that say “Fly A Plane Into A Skyscraper--It Pisses Off The Liberals!” (printed in a star spangled or rebel flag scheme of course) and absolutely nothing would be done.

Look at the past eight years and tell me that you can’t see that happening.

Anyway, I am going to get yelled at for posting again. I AM GOING ON HIATUS STARTING…NOW. FOR REAL-REAL THIS TIME.

Thou shalt remember Glenn Beck's time slot, and keep it holy.

First off: I know I missed a bunch of letters, including some good ones, bad ones and ones advocating vigilante dogkillers. I've been fucking around with my new computer been really busy with stuff.

You know what I hate? When someone criticizes something, and then you criticize their criticism, and suddenly the other person's all like "Oh, you're trying to silence dissent! What do you have against criticism, Herr Comrade Censorpuss?"

Don't you hate that? It's complete horsecrap and you both know it, but the other dude pretends not to because he's a disingenuous little weasel. If anything, you like criticism twice as much as the other person, since you criticized his critique. It's a double critique; a metacritique.

Anyway, today's letter has a good example of that (last two sentences- the rest of the letter is just the straws that the Republicans grasped during the election). It's a response to this guest column, which was not only not crazy but delivered some much needed mental sucker punches to the Know-Nothing readership.

Mr. Ronald Eurit , let me bring you up to speed. No one is censoring you. They are just calling you a hypocritical pig-ignorant dumbfuck. There is a difference.

The concept of the Fairness Doctrine (which isn't really as "equal-timey" as either side would have you believe; google it!) terrifies conservatives, and I love it. It shows how much they REALLY like criticism.

Finally, check it: the second sentence does the "YOUR president" thing again! Geez!

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Speaking of the Fairness Doctrine, what does it have to do with Christianity? I must've missed that commandment.

Of course, I've been asking the same thing about abortion, but they've been ignoring me and that pesky Exodus 21:22.

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Military stress causing suicides? Blame Clinton.

Damnit, I thought this was a new progressive era. When are the leftwing nuts going to start writing in? I want someone advocating Atlantis or UFOs, or something!

DA PAIN.

Due to my being a colossal dumbfuck, I've managed to grievously injure myself. So expect light posts for the next six weeks, at least.

Here's your letters. Talk among yourselves.

Slacking off quite vigorously

I'm back at my undisclosed location with my craptacular NetZero connection. Huzzah. Let's see what I missed over the past few days, in no particular order.

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Rita Crowell ruins Christmas. Fuck.

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bwap bwap bwap baybees bwap bwap bwap Roman empire bwap bwap bwap ACLU

Also, Steve Goebel and Bill Hawkins did some random bwapping too. They're quite good at that. *

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Linda Jackson is this season's first utterly deluded waste of oxygen and gasoline culture warrior to break out the War on Christmas meme. Indeed, Linda, let's be sure not to forget what this season is all about. I am, of course, talking about our Lord and Savior, George W. Bush.

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[today]

These "emails" and texting whatzits are too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of the telephone!

[flashback to late 1800s]

Talking to someone over these "telephones" is too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of the telegraph!

[flashback to late 1790s]

These "telegraphs" are too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of the pen and parchment!

[flashback to whenever letter writing was invented]

This "letter writing" is too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of glyphs on stone!

[flashback]

These "glyphs" are too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of pictographs on cave walls!

[flashback]

These "pictographs" are too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of just talking to someone!

[flashback]

Grunt "talking" grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt! Grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt!

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Anne Kettenbrink, did I tell you I want to have your babies? ANNE KETTENBRINK I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES.


*EDIT: I've received a question asking how to pronounce "bwap". It's supposed to rhyme with "hop". It's the sound of monotonous droning- picture muted trumpets and Charlie Brown specials.

..."community activator"?

COMMENCE COMMUNITY ACTIVATING PROCEDURE. PLEASE STAND BY WHILE COMMUNITY IS BEING ACTIVATED.

"Post-racial" my lily white ass

I'm more reluctant to rain on somebody's flowery Obama-gasm than the vast majority of my state, but still...

Please stop saying that electing Obama means that suddenly we're this magical post-racial society. When racial disparities are eradicated in crime, income, death/abuse/harassment and education levels, I might consider it.

In the meantime, half of my immediate family are stocking up on weapons for fear of "black riots." There's about nine black people in our town. NINE. I think you can only muster a "scuffle" or a "fracas" with nine people. I'd seriously be more worried about them forming a new softball team than a riot.

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Ignoring the inherent "OMG HOMO RIOTS" funniness of this letter, I'm more amused by the fact that he felt the need to clarify the shorthand form of his name. Thanks, man! I honestly would have sprung for "Ya" or "Min" if he hadn't pointed it out.

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Hey FBI! Homeland Security! You reading this?

William Rozinek seems to be vaguely suggesting that he's thiiiiiiis close to taking drastic action against abortion. Uh oh. That usually means Not-At-All-Hypocritical Abortion Clinic Bombings/Murder/Terrorism. Keep a bead on this guy, folks. William Rozinek- the next Eric Rudolph?

He also claims to be able to hear the screams of a fetus. Dude must be crazy- but hey, if the little bastards* can sing, why not?

Also, Allen Shirley taints a perfectly valid argument** by virtue of him being a dipshit dittohead. I wouldn't be surprised if the last sentence was plagiarized straight from Michael Savage.

* going off on a tangent here...you ever notice that in pro-life fiction, the talking anthropomorphic fetus characters are almost always male? HOW 'BOUT DAT.

**somebody argued that canceling a paper subscription was extortion? I missed that. Assuming that was what the guy was arguing- I'll have to look him up.

BA DA BAP BA DAH, I'M LOVIN' IT (in the butt)

Oh, Rita Rita Rita RITA. You are a DELIGHT!

Suspiciously obsessive fixations on homosexuality? Check!

Scare quotes, plus general contempt for the proper usage of this much-beleaguered punctuation mark? Check!

Espousing yet another futile values-based boycott of an unstoppable corporate juggernaut? Check!

Hilarious holier-than-thou grandstanding and foaming nuttiness? Check check CHECK!

The only thing more delicious and heart-clogging than your letters would be a juicy McRib sammich. Mmmmm...McRib. I think I'll get over my irrational hatred of Micky D's and buy one right now.

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Here comes the fallout

While there've been a few conservative post-election letters, they were but a mere trickle. Today marks the start of the full on downpour of bitterness and crazy. This'll either be really fun or really monotonous. I suspect the latter, so I'll be brief.

Joseph Yantis blames the McCain/Palin nominations on the liberal media. PARTY OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBLITY YOU GUYS.

Maurice Filson, among other things, pulls a Godwin. You know what pisses me off more than anything (right now at least)? It's 99.99999 percent certain that if this sonofabitch and all the other reactionary fuckwits like him lived in Germany at that time, they'd be the first ones turning their neighbors in to the authorities and signing their kids up for Hitler's Youth meetings. "Mismatched humankind." You're just a real paragon of humanitarianism, aren't you? You disingenuous fuckneck.

Pardon me, got serious and ranty for a second.

Poor guy got his yard sign stolen, too. Next thing you know, Democrats will be draping McCain signs onto bear cub corpses or hurling racial slurs or faking their own assaults or vandalizing entire vehicles or...oh wait...

Reason is not your forte, my sweet.

Dear Ms. Thomas;

It has come to our attention that, within a published letter critical of Barack HUSSIEN Obama, you postulated that the senator is a funny-named Arab that wants to kill white babies. While we appreciate your campaigning on our behalf, we find that your methods are outdated and not in line with group policy.

We mostly have an issue with your lack of subtlety. You openly state that Obama wants to destroy the white race. We here at The Legion of Idiotic Paranoid Racist Dillweeds find this to be too "on-the-nose", as it were. This repels potential allies from our cause.

We realize that you, like most of our members, have the intelligence of an overripe and very angry little eggplant. Therefore, we have taken the liberty of providing you with some talking points that convey the message without being so bare-assed about it.

*Instead of pointing that his name is Arab, simply insist on including his middle name whenever you address him. If that's too subtle for your intended audience, try emphaisizing his middle name with all caps. Note the example above.

*Try your best to disguise the real reason why you are opposed to family planning. We realize that our main concern is preserving the privileges of the Master Race (along with those of the Master Sex of that race) but racist social Darwinism is frowned upon and reflects poorly on us. Tell yourself and others that you care about BABIES, and nothing but BABIES.

We hope you keep these tips in mind when the time comes to write a letter bemoaning America's new president. Remember, we here at Legion of Idiotic Paranoid Racist Dillweeds appreciate you!

Sincerely,
The Legion of Idiotic Paranoid Racist Dillweeds

One- Word Commentaries

Douchey!

Misanthropic!

Oppositeer!

Plagiarizing from Chain Letters!*

OBAMMUNISM!!!11!

*(I find the belief, that "one word commentaries" must be restricted to one word, to be elitist and un-American.)

Ladies and Gentlemen, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRITA!

Glorious day! Rita Crowell, upon hearing my pleas for introductory material, sent us a two-pager! Now you know why I was pining so- no one can make a nutty letter quite like Rita. Sure, any dipshit godbag can buy an internet chain letter hook, line and sinker. However, it takes a special sort of insane to copy-paste it, sprinkle you own brand of nuttiness on it, and send it in for publishing.

(no picture yet, computer is being a d-bag)

Never stop, Rita. Every amero paid to read the Globe is worth it.

(FUN FACT: Some of the original ideas for this blog's name included "The Rita Filter" and "Friends of Rita". I finally decided that they were too vague for n00bs.)