Frankenletter!

That's what crossed my mind when I read this letter by Jacqueline Camerer. The first paragraph is typical fundie wingnut "OBAMA IS AN UNAMERICAN MOOSLOOM FLAGBURNER PUPPYKICKER"; but then it segues into cynical centrist chastising of how only rich people have any real shot at the Presidency; finally winding down into leftist socialistic wealth distribution. And not "socialism" as in "secret codeword for anyone who threatens the status quo, especially black someones." I mean actual socialism.

It's like a typographic representation of a politcal spectrum rainbow. A very narrowly defined rainbow.

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Secret Word of the Day is "Clintonoid".

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..."community activator"?

COMMENCE COMMUNITY ACTIVATING PROCEDURE. PLEASE STAND BY WHILE COMMUNITY IS BEING ACTIVATED.

THAT'S OUR SECRET WORD OF THE DAY! [SCREAMS]

The secret word, of course, being "globean".

Seriously, folks, I'm going to use this word from now on. It's like Mr. Butler tailor made it just for me!

glo·be·an
n.

1. Of, relating to, or resembling the Joplin Globe.

2. One relating to, belonging to, or resembling the Joplin Globe.

IT'S A WORD NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS!

I snorted elitist-ickily (another new word!) at this-

[Joe Biden]'s the dumbest senator to ever run for vice president. I wonder if he can even spell potato.

-but then I realized that Dan Quayle was originally not in the Senate but in the House. Sneaky, Butler. I imagine the editing process went like this when Butler was writing-"He's the dumbest politician (oh crap Palin) Congressman (oh crap Quayle) senator to ever run..."

Nice attempt at a save, dude, but you completly forgot Ted Stevens. D'OH WHAT AM I SAYING TED STEVENS NEVER RAN FOR VICE PRESIDENT!

One- Word Commentaries

Douchey!

Misanthropic!

Oppositeer!

Plagiarizing from Chain Letters!*

OBAMMUNISM!!!11!

*(I find the belief, that "one word commentaries" must be restricted to one word, to be elitist and un-American.)

I know there's some perfectly good stupid letters today...

...but I'm neglecting them to officially endorse Susan Golis.

STOP SAYING "KUDOS!"

Kudos

Susan Golis really, really does not like the word “kudos”.

Now she’s getting jumped on in the comments for wasting space that could have gone to more important topics; topics like “Did Jesus ride a Triceratops to school?” or “Bush did 9/11!” no doubt. However, I feel this is a much more stimulating topic. If you were a Language Nazi like Susie here, what words would be rounded up by your Language Gestapo?

My Top 10:

1. “Politically incorrect” and all variants thereof. It’s just a PC term for “reactionary asshole”. Whiny, snotty Archie Bunkers who feel their special privileges being rightfully stripped away and are sooooo offended.

2. “Multitasking”: Never liked this word, never will, and no I don’t have a reason. Just say “doing more than one thing at a time.”

3. “Activist judge”: Used exclusively by people who have no idea how government and judiciary works. Yeah, the judge declared that your stupid mob mentality wasn't gonna cut it. THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO DO, YOU STUPID FUCKERS. Go watch some Schoolhouse Rock, or take a sixth grade social studies class, and then get back with us.

4. “Vagina”: This one wouldn't be banned; however the proper usage would be strictly enforced. When most people say “vagina”, they mean “vulva”, which sounds sexier anyway besides being the accurate term.

5. “Ironic”: See “Vagina”.

6. “Emo:” Fine when used with actual emo things. However, when anyone is anything besides a bubbly or aggressive extrovert, they’re suddenly “emo”. I’m sorry, but actual emotions kind of predated your much-maligned subculture since THE DAWN OF HUMANITY.

7. “Empowered:” Similar to “multitasking”, no particular reasoning behind this. How about “I feel grrrrrrrrrreat!”, I feel inspired!”, “I feel like I can kick all kinds of ass!”, instead.

8. "Homemade:" Food companies use it all the time, and it's false advertising and annoying besides. Unless you have some squatters in your processing plant, or the manager of your fast food joint sleeps in a cot in the basement, it is not made in a home and is therefore not homemade. At the very least, use "homestyle" instead.

9. "Chiropractor:" Change to "Overpaid Quack Backcrackers". Or "Backquackers." Heh.

10. Any combination of "traditional" "family" and/or "values": Used almost exclusively, and thus perverted, by insecure, fun-ruining control freaks with effed up belief systems.

See? It’s not a waste of a topic at all! Kudos to Susan for bringing it up!

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UPDATE: Weekend letters are up, and they all suck so they're not being posted here. Bummer.