MARRY ME ANNE KETTENBRINK

No letters today; I just wanted to share my newfound love with you.

Meet Anne Kettenbrink.

I was scoping for letters when I suddenly realized that there are other things to this "newspaper" racket other than funny papers and stupid letters. The headline screamed at me. "Bigfoot and other fake things?" It's a sad state of affairs, but with the media's (especially the Globe- ghost hunters anyone?) track record of peddling and humoring stupid bullshit, I was escatic to finally see a journalist say "You know what? This is stupid bullshit. And you should feel like a stupid, bullshitted person for even considering such a ludicrous notion". It's like finding an oasis in the desert.

And when I read the article, it was like finding not just an oasis, but an oasis full of hot naked people and pinball machines. For there is a goddess, a marvelously bitchy and opinionated diva, and her name is Anne Kettenbrink.

I combed some more articles. She also wrote this infamous column where she called people "morons" for voting the wrong way. She wrote a column asking people if they were too stupid to live. She has a vendetta against some dope who literally moved her cheese- she mentioned it in the previously mentioned column as well. Hell, she even apes Family Guy.

I apparently made a mistake when I assumed that the Globe staff were all a bunch of family newspaper dweebs, their most provocative columns bemusingly recounting their household gender dynamics; dynamics which differ little from your average crap sitcom. "HEY MY HUSBAND NEVER ASKS FOR DIRECTIONS!! AIN'T THAT JUST A KA-RAZY THING MEN DO?!? ALSO, WOMEN SHOP FOR CANDLES AND BASKETS AND HAVE VAGOOOOOS!!!!!"

Sorry, went off on a tangent there. Anyway, be on the lookout for that Anne character. Hopefully, she'll show up on this blog again.

Yes, Cindy, Stacy's mom does indeed have it going on.

Yeah, I haven't updated in over two months. Nobody told me that maintaining a blog was haaaaaaaaard.

It wasn't for lack of material. From good ol' Rita to Riley T. to the Douchey Professor (seriously, read his letter, it's one of the douchiest things ever published in the section) to AHHHH VEGGIE PIZZAS!

In the meantime, enjoy this hilarious pearl-clutching column by Cindy Sigler Dagnan. The best part----"I snorted Starbucks up my nose the other day when I caught the gist of a song whose words, I believe, included the phrase, “Stacy’s mom has got it goin’ on.” Well. Good for Stacy’s mom. Or is it? "

The Theory of Rita-tivity

Over the years I have read many of Rita Crowell’s letters to the editor, like the one printed today. I think now is the perfect time to unveil one of my pet theories of the universe, which I call the Theory of Rita-tivity.

This theoretical model hypothesizes that Rita Crowell's statements have the ability to alter reality itself, for it's the law of nature for her to be always wrong.

If she says that grass is green, it will sprout purple. If she refers to you as a “she”, check yourself - you probably have male genitalia now, even if you didn’t have any before. If she calls a cow a cow, it will magically transform into a vacuum cleaner. If she ever said "I am always wrong", the fabric of reality would totally unravel. (Right now I'm petitioning her to write a letter declaring that I do NOT have a suitcase full of 5 million dollars stashed under my bed. I'm hoping that she will say "no".)

If she were smart, she'd say "gay marriage is ok and not at all threatening to straight marriage and will one day be legal!", for it would immediately become untrue. Unless she’s actually a vigilant humanist, keeping reality in check with her actions. Maybe there’s a whole network of people with these powers, unceasingly proclaiming the opposite of things! Maybe they’re called “Oppositeers” and they all have wrist communicators and uniforms and laser guns and a secret satellite HQ high above the earth! And they greet each other by saying “Goodbye, hated enemy!”, because they do everything the opposite way. And they eat with their butts.

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I only have two letters from Riley T. Jay in my data collection, but I’m starting to formulate a similar hypothesis. Hypothesis: Riley T. Jay always has screwed up priorities, and is often wrong. I need more data, however.

I also hypothesize that he is allergic to the word “Earth” and has to have someone else type it for him or else he breaks into hives.
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Mike Pound is all like HYUCK HYUCK WOMEN AND MEN ARE DIFFERENT HYUCK HYUCK. Next week’s topic: What's the Deal With Airline Food?

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That one looks Jewish/ And that one’s a coon!/ Who let all this riffraff into the room?

Fri and Sat letters are up, and it looks like Privileged-Americans are fed up! With several things.

First, the Globe tells the tale of the official who referenced the KKK. Dude, the KKK isn’t the way to go. You have to be more subtle, like the much put-upon white folks featured below.



Paul Butler blames the historical illiteracy of America’s youth on multicultural studies. Apparently he has never gone to public school, especially around here. I can attest that we never ventured outside the U.S. unless absolutely necessary. The places where they teach stuff about Asian and African cultures are the places where the kids actually learn history. We basically learned 4th grade US government, and we re-learned it every grade. Of course, around here people are more interested in shooting squirrels with BB guns, so even that didn’t sink in for most of them.

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Richard McClure thinks only straight white Christians should have a voice in a mainstream paper. Those people who point out racism are SO TERRIBLY RACIST, y’know?



Five bucks says that McClure is the kind of guy who sees something like BET or Women’s History Month and goes “How come we mainstream people don't have our own channel/month/newspaper/space? WE ARE SO PERSECUTED OMG REVERSE RACISM IS THE ONLY REAL RACISM PC POLICE EVERYWHERE AAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ”

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John Franz thinks everyone besides rich straight whites do not deserve to whine as much as he does.



My favorite part? “…my favorite minority, Caucasians”, which is where John slips up. You’re supposed to present yourself as the one true non-racist, unfairly persecuted by welfare queens and other racial rabble-rousers who discriminate against the noble white man.

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Bill Hawkins puts scare quotes around “gay.” I imagine, like John Franz above, he wants to reclaim it. Have fun with that, you two gay old guys.

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Where were you when the Maggie stopped turning on that September day?

Esther Berlanga-Ryan wants to make you cry today.



Esther, if you want to write for Chicken Soup for the Soul the Globe, I have some advice. Personally I find the last sentence kind of clashing with the rest. I can’t help but hear it in annoying little sister talk. “Guh! What did you THINK I was talking about! I mean seriously, DUH!”

Also, you forgot to include Jesus and/or a kid with cancer. We want to see some waterworks here, honey!

You’re well on your way to be a prolific glurge email writer. And to my trash folder where I keep all those emails.

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When I started reading this letter, I had my trigger finger on the comment button, ready to combat the Dipshit Pro-Life Woman Hater’s Club. I was chomping at the bit (literally- they make me wear this so I stop eating babies) to demolish this argument.



But then I noticed the name. Attaching that name to the end of the argument does all the work of debunking it for me.

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I have yet another tip to lower our nation’s gasoline consumption.



Kevin, STOP HUFFING IT SO MUCH.

Bible Quotes- UR DOIN' IT RONG

Look out, some villainous reporter caught wind of me. Go over there and take him out before it's too late! ( By "take him out", I mean "read his blog." Also "villainous" in this context means "swell." )

Mustn't forget the letters. Riley T. Jay writes in to remind us that whenever you buy recycled printer paper, you might as well erect a golden calf statue on your lawn.



I'm not convinced that them dirty hippie types (in this context, anyone who has ever thought "Hey, maybe dumping pig feces into the drinking water and converting entire states into landfills are not such bright ideas!") really value the environment over humanity. However, if they do, I know why- it's because dilweeds like Jay make the rest of us look bad. I know that after growing up surrounded by people like this guy, I'd much prefer the company of baby seals. I mean, seals are dumb, but they're supposed to be dumb. A seal's never going to imply that believing in heroes and causes instead of one random dope's personal idea of a deity is a bad thing to do.

Meanwhile, C. Keith Sigler is here to show us the ropes on the delicate art of Bible Quoting.



Remember folks, when you're cherry picking the Bible, you have to do it the RIGHT way. Some more tips from moi:

Tip 1: Don't refer to it as cherry picking. That's what your opponents do. You interpret.

Tip 2: Remember that our modern secular society is utterly inadequate to deal with moral issues. The Bible is the one true moral path...unless something doesn't sit well with your modern values. Then you can chuck it.

Tip 3: You can ignore pretty much everything from Leviticus. EXCEPT FOR THE PARTS REGARDING GAY HOMO QUEERMOSEXUALS. This is essential.

Tip 4: Just ignore the historical misogynistic/racist/otherwise horrible customs of the church justified by scripture- all those ancient Christians just read it wrong. You are much, much more enlightened than they were (but not in a nasty secular sense no no no)!!!!

Tip 5: At the end of your argument be sure to point out just how GOOD and RIGHTEOUS you are, because your opponent is OBVIOUSLY a BIG SMELLY FATHEAD but you forgive him and will pray for him anyway because you are JUST THAT DAMN RIGHTEOUS AND NICE AND CHRISTLIKE. Unlike stupid biased SMELLY McFATHEAD there.

Tune in next time for some more Bible Quotin' Tips!

You know, if you abandon logic, you'll find my logic sound.

Apologies for my laziness. Damn work getting in the way of my completely trivial and pointless hobbies!

A while ago, Chris Cook challenged gay marriage opponents to offer an argument that was neither religious nor otherwise idiotic. An impossible task, but they’re trying their best.


Huh, where to start where to start...

The first "point" (more like a rubber stopper) reminds me of Henry Ford, who once said regarding the Model T: "It's available in any color you want, as long as that color is black." Of course, Ford was joking. It wouldn't be the first time that conservatives based their beliefs on things that normal people would consider jokes.

The Anita Bryant thing is just fucking LAZY. Unless Keith lives in a swamp, what's stopping him from firing up Google and looking it up himself?

I love the last paragraph the best. “Ah HA! Watch as I devastate your argument by admitting that my worldview has no basis other than my interpetation of an ancient mythology! Suck on that, fagboy!”

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Meanwhile, I don’t know if this desperation-reeking letter is sad or funny.



On the one hand he’s clearly in a pitiful state of denial, grasping desperatly for straws. On the other hand…he’s clearly in a pitiful state of denial, grasping desperatly for straws. Plus the word “Iraqastan” is gold. I’m going for both sad and funny.

(As an aside, bugs would be a good resource if we ever get into a food crisis. There’s tons of the fuckers and I can attest that many are quite yummy. But I digress.)

WAIT! According to the comments, Mr. Udell was being sarcastic. D’oh! I hate it when that happens. I wonder if that includes the Limbaugh-esque “huh huh all Mooslooms are interchangeable” sentiment.
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Also, from yesterday, this guy knows how to handle the affairs of minorities better than the minorities in question.



HE IS NOT RACIST YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY.

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