Sunday, June 22, 2008

Bible Quotes- UR DOIN' IT RONG

Look out, some villainous reporter caught wind of me. Go over there and take him out before it's too late! ( By "take him out", I mean "read his blog." Also "villainous" in this context means "swell." )

Mustn't forget the letters. Riley T. Jay writes in to remind us that whenever you buy recycled printer paper, you might as well erect a golden calf statue on your lawn.


I'm not convinced that them dirty hippie types (in this context, anyone who has ever thought "Hey, maybe dumping pig feces into the drinking water and converting entire states into landfills are not such bright ideas!") really value the environment over humanity. However, if they do, I know why- it's because dilweeds like Jay make the rest of us look bad. I know that after growing up surrounded by people like this guy, I'd much prefer the company of baby seals. I mean, seals are dumb, but they're supposed to be dumb. A seal's never going to imply that believing in heroes and causes instead of one random dope's personal idea of a deity is a bad thing to do.

Meanwhile, C. Keith Sigler is here to show us the ropes on the delicate art of Bible Quoting.


Remember folks, when you're cherry picking the Bible, you have to do it the RIGHT way. Some more tips from moi:

Tip 1: Don't refer to it as cherry picking. That's what your opponents do. You interpret.

Tip 2: Remember that our modern secular society is utterly inadequate to deal with moral issues. The Bible is the one true moral path...unless something doesn't sit well with your modern values. Then you can chuck it.

Tip 3: You can ignore pretty much everything from Leviticus. EXCEPT FOR THE PARTS REGARDING GAY HOMO QUEERMOSEXUALS. This is essential.

Tip 4: Just ignore the historical misogynistic/racist/otherwise horrible customs of the church justified by scripture- all those ancient Christians just read it wrong. You are much, much more enlightened than they were (but not in a nasty secular sense no no no)!!!!

Tip 5: At the end of your argument be sure to point out just how GOOD and RIGHTEOUS you are, because your opponent is OBVIOUSLY a BIG SMELLY FATHEAD but you forgive him and will pray for him anyway because you are JUST THAT DAMN RIGHTEOUS AND NICE AND CHRISTLIKE. Unlike stupid biased SMELLY McFATHEAD there.

Tune in next time for some more Bible Quotin' Tips!

No comments: