ADAM AND EVE NOT ADAM AND STEVE

It's Friday, which means letters for the weekend are up too. HUZZAH.

Since Globe letters have a tendency to disappear after a time, I'm going to try taking screenshots of the more interesting ones (that fit on my screen, at least).


Ed Breen shares his thoughts on gay marriage. Like most homophobe letters, it's comprised mostly of "California is Evil", "The Majority Religion is SOOOO persecuted" and "Marriage is for Baybeez*". He gets bonus points for the phrase "out-of-country beings", which I don't think any English speaker has ever used ever. All in all, a delight to read. Keep on writing in, Ed.

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Meanwhile, Allan Shirley says that if it weren't for THEM DIRTY HIPPIES, we'd be diving in swimming pools of oil, Scrooge McDuck style. Never mind that any oil drilled in Alaska will go on the global market and thus out of the country. Never mind that if given the rights the oil company would probably just sit on it to increase demand. But who needs dumb trees and animals and stuff? My penis needs my SUV, and my SUV needs GAS.

Speaking of shrinkydink Republicans, why is Sarah Steelman acting like one? A move like that is straight out of Chapter One of Coping with Your Piggley-Wiggly Dick for Dummies. She's a girl, so she doesn't have a Republican micropenis that needs to be propped up with guns, huge vehicles, anti-abortion legislation and beating up queers. The Globe staff called it- it's her base whose fears need to be soothed. "See guys? I may have a vagina but I know how much you need to think that you're a straight shooter! IfyouknowwhatImean..."

*nevermind those heteros who can't or won't have children. Just ignore them.

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Try and figure out how many angels can dance on the head of a pin while you're at it.

If you're not from around here, you may not be aware that our region often ends up on the business end of Mother Nature's Whomping Stick, especially recently. It wasn't long after these storms that Jo Nell Thompson in with their half-assed Bible Study topic. "Does God Control the Weather?"

Today we have the second response letter. The "debate", as is usual of fundie debates, is tossing out bible quotes in lieu of evidence or even logic and hoping that no one notices. WELL I'M CONVINCED.

Anyway, they're all wrong. Pollatac the Destroyer controls the weather from his volcano home. He sends out Storm Harpies to random locations every evening, to express his displeasure with the human race. The Dark Tome of Pollatac is quite clear on this.

MEANWHILE - Bill Hawkins blames autism on our insular, fast food eating lifestyle. Well, at least he's not blaming vaccines or fluoride in the water. I hope that sentence illustrates the kind of scientific literacy to expect from these pages.

And...nothing.

So the first day out chronicling the Globe...and there's no new letters. Just the staff editorial. Lameness.

Instead let's look at the comment function, and complain about it. Pick an article and follow along!

Most other websites have the comments section below the article, or on another page, or if they're real obnoxious it opens up a new window. The Globe's site uses a tiny, near unnoticeable frame - less annoying than a pop-up, but only just.

Try and leave a comment on your article now. You notice there's a name and email field. Why there's an email field, I don't know. It's not required to post, and it doesn't show up anywhere if you do use it. It'd be nice to have the option of leaving contact info in case you're the kind of person who wants to hook up with rambling incoherent creationists. Also, you don't even have to use a name at all, or (since there's no way to distinguish different posters other than faith in human honesty) you can pretend to be someone else. Go on, put Leroy in the name field. We can never have too many Leroys.

Now send your comment and wait. Is it up yet? If it is, you've probably noticed that your lovingly rendered swath of poetry is now a hideous monolithic block of type. You've uncovered the most aggravating aspect of Globe comments. No formatting allowed.

No tabs. No double spacing. No italics or bold. Just a big nasty wall of text.

Now I'm no programming major, but surely they could tell the little goblins on the inside of the computer monitor to have a little more pride in their art. Unless that is the intent- incoherent design for incoherent comments. On a second look the hideous Block O' Text does nicely complement the Block o' Dumb.

Greetings, Friends of Rita

Does anyone even read the comics anymore? I know I do, but only on Sunday, and only the good ones*, which isn't very many. Hell, a lot of them are soulless husks written by committee, computer, or senile old cartoonists due to be replaced by computer committees. Those ones I skim just to enrage myself, which I'm wont to do.

The days have long passed since one could turn to the funnies for a smile. I found out, sometime way back in middle school, where the real laughs are held in your family newspaper.

That place is the Voices section. That wonderful, magical place; that wildlife reserve dedicated to preserve those most rare and beautiful of God's creatures - the Crazies, the Whiners, the Stupids. Look! To your far right, you'll see the dazzling plumage of the Rita Crowell, tinged with subtle shades of insanity and godbaggery. To your left you'll see a Northern Well-Intentioned Leftie, trying valiantly to teach pigs to sing. Oh no, a Leroy is attacking the boat AAAAAAHHHH

For too long I have kept my Globe mockings to myself- the time has come to share this gift with the world. Watch this space for prime nuttiness, my friends, and feel free to skip the funnies.


*which nowadays amounts to Lio. Man I love Lio. And that one that replaced Doonesbury with the girl and the horse is good sometimes.