Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Asterisk! Percent sign! Dollar sign! Pound sign!

C. Keith Sigler, being a typical dittohead, has no artistic talents besides Post-Cubist Whingeing and Interpretive Bullshittery. Therefore he has to farm his ideas out to others. Maybe Kelly will take up your offer, Sigmiester. Or that guy who does Mallard Fillmore, assuming he hasn't wrapped his car around a tree again and finally offed himself.

Also there was some more godbag bwaps, the latter of which is from Rita Crowell. She's pissing and moaning because (Catholic!) Mike Pound didn't speak of sainthood in a hushed reverential whisper. And because he used comic strip profanity.

Seriously. She was mortily offended by "*%$#".

I will pay $5 to anyone who successfully exposes her to this blogpost, including the following colorful string of profanity...

"&%$#!" "#$&!" "&#$%" "$*%#!"

See what I did there? "Colorful" profanity! Ho ho ho HTML formatting is a SCREAM.


Thursday, December 18, 2008

Slacking off quite vigorously

I'm back at my undisclosed location with my craptacular NetZero connection. Huzzah. Let's see what I missed over the past few days, in no particular order.


Rita Crowell ruins Christmas. Fuck.


bwap bwap bwap baybees bwap bwap bwap Roman empire bwap bwap bwap ACLU

Also, Steve Goebel and Bill Hawkins did some random bwapping too. They're quite good at that. *


Linda Jackson is this season's first utterly deluded waste of oxygen and gasoline culture warrior to break out the War on Christmas meme. Indeed, Linda, let's be sure not to forget what this season is all about. I am, of course, talking about our Lord and Savior, George W. Bush.



These "emails" and texting whatzits are too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of the telephone!

[flashback to late 1800s]

Talking to someone over these "telephones" is too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of the telegraph!

[flashback to late 1790s]

These "telegraphs" are too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of the pen and parchment!

[flashback to whenever letter writing was invented]

This "letter writing" is too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of glyphs on stone!


These "glyphs" are too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of pictographs on cave walls!


These "pictographs" are too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of just talking to someone!


Grunt "talking" grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt! Grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt!


Anne Kettenbrink, did I tell you I want to have your babies? ANNE KETTENBRINK I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES.

*EDIT: I've received a question asking how to pronounce "bwap". It's supposed to rhyme with "hop". It's the sound of monotonous droning- picture muted trumpets and Charlie Brown specials.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Boobies!: The Holy Grail of Joplin Globe Madness

Gather round, wee ones, and let ol' Cap'n Kaje tell you a tale.

Ol' Kaje is a crusty old sailor, with all the vitamin C deficiency that that entails. Ever since the Bush first ascended to the throne, I have spent many a morn' pouring over letters that would make a normal civilain dash their heads upon the rocks. I could take any letter tossed my way.

But one day, I met my match. I found a letter that was so horrible, so screwed up, so mad, that I reeled. This isn't hyperbole; I literally teetered a little bit and almost fell over. I'm assuming that's what "reeling" means. Ol' Kaje is a crusty old sailor with a healthy disdain for dictionaries and pronoun agreement.

This was the Holy Grail of stupid Globe letters...and it was similarly lost to the sands of time.


Do you DARE to brave the gaping maw of madness?

Then read on to face this gem from October 21, 2005...


To this day, Ol' Kaje is still not entirely convinced that it's not a joke. Part of me, the beleaguered part of me that copes with this cruel universe day in and day out with no relief, wishes it is a joke. But then, that's not the the part of me that reads the Globe every day and reposts stupid letters on the internet. That part is Ol' Kaje.

In the eyes of this crusty ol' sailor, she even dwarfed efforts of Rita Crowell, who blamed breast cancer on abortion years later. I didn't even NOTICE it when it was first published (thanks to my secret contact Cletus Van Damme for the heads up, btw); I imagine that every time I saw a Globean letter regarding breast cancer, I thought back to the beast of yore. My eyes would gloss over, pining for the fish that got away, and I would curl up in a ball of self pity and bad memories.

But it's here now, on display for future generations to come. Let it be known that "Poor Illustration" is the MADDEST LETTER EVER WRITTEN TO THE GLOBE, EVER.



I'm not making a new post for today's letter, because a) Peggy should remain at the top for awhile and b) today's letter is in the same spirit. I can forgive this writer because he's young, has obviously been raised in a Southwest Missouri "SEX IS THE WRONGEST THING IN THE WORLD" environment and doesn't know any better. Hopefully he'll grow up, stop the self-righteous obsession over other people's sexuality, and develop a healthier attitude toward sex.

We don't need any more Peggy Ellis clones, Zak. My advice to you? Ditch the ab-ed instructor. They're lying holier-than-thou psychos. It's not that hard to be celibate if that's what you want, and you don't need the "help" of said lying holier-than-thou psychos. Hell, a normal run-of-the-mill sexologist can advise you about abstinence without telling you that condoms don't prevent HIV transmission, that women who have abortions get breast cancer and that reading about that cancer will make you a big drooling pervert.



AAAUGH I broke my promise that I would never link to my blog in a Globe comment WHY DID I DO THAT!

Ok, no worries gang, I'll just put up this protective talisman to ward off evil troll spirits...

Monday, December 1, 2008


That's what crossed my mind when I read this letter by Jacqueline Camerer. The first paragraph is typical fundie wingnut "OBAMA IS AN UNAMERICAN MOOSLOOM FLAGBURNER PUPPYKICKER"; but then it segues into cynical centrist chastising of how only rich people have any real shot at the Presidency; finally winding down into leftist socialistic wealth distribution. And not "socialism" as in "secret codeword for anyone who threatens the status quo, especially black someones." I mean actual socialism.

It's like a typographic representation of a politcal spectrum rainbow. A very narrowly defined rainbow.


Secret Word of the Day is "Clintonoid".