Friday, October 31, 2008

Reason is not your forte, my sweet.

Dear Ms. Thomas;

It has come to our attention that, within a published letter critical of Barack HUSSIEN Obama, you postulated that the senator is a funny-named Arab that wants to kill white babies. While we appreciate your campaigning on our behalf, we find that your methods are outdated and not in line with group policy.

We mostly have an issue with your lack of subtlety. You openly state that Obama wants to destroy the white race. We here at The Legion of Idiotic Paranoid Racist Dillweeds find this to be too "on-the-nose", as it were. This repels potential allies from our cause.

We realize that you, like most of our members, have the intelligence of an overripe and very angry little eggplant. Therefore, we have taken the liberty of providing you with some talking points that convey the message without being so bare-assed about it.

*Instead of pointing that his name is Arab, simply insist on including his middle name whenever you address him. If that's too subtle for your intended audience, try emphaisizing his middle name with all caps. Note the example above.

*Try your best to disguise the real reason why you are opposed to family planning. We realize that our main concern is preserving the privileges of the Master Race (along with those of the Master Sex of that race) but racist social Darwinism is frowned upon and reflects poorly on us. Tell yourself and others that you care about BABIES, and nothing but BABIES.

We hope you keep these tips in mind when the time comes to write a letter bemoaning America's new president. Remember, we here at Legion of Idiotic Paranoid Racist Dillweeds appreciate you!

The Legion of Idiotic Paranoid Racist Dillweeds

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Way to Go, Globe

No, seriously. I mean that.

Also, less seriously: ha ha ha you got the name wrong on this letter.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Sunday, October 19, 2008


I'm down with the sickness (WAH AH AH AH) right now, so I'll be brief.

Ray Downen is a psycho, and it's amusing. Bonus: he writes "pacifiers" instead of "pacifists." I have this mental image of Ghandi with a baby sucking on his head.

Also, the staff wrote about Bald Eagles. Uh oh. $5 says that the comment box will have some pro-lifer type going "WTF YOU CAN'T KILL ENDANGERED BIRDS FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES BUT WOMEN CAN KILL THEIR BAYBEEZ WHY IS THAT?!? FUCKING LIBS!!!!" by morning.

EDIT: Sonsabitches totally let me down! They usually bring it up every single fucking time someone mentions the scarcity of Bald Eagles. I probably jinxed it by posting my prediction. "Hey Kaje" probably read it and was all like, "Hey! That, my good sir/ma'am, was my thunder you stole!"

I love Burney's Lament, though. Good one, my anonymous friend. I guess he or she gets my $5.

EDIT AGAIN: I totally forgot these!

Matt Blunt actually did something nice? Whoa! Of course I imagine if he were a Democrat, someone would scream "bwap bwap bwap language police bwap bwap bwap political correctness bwap bwap"- oh wait! Someone did anyway!

Also, did the title of this letter remind anyone else of Can't Hardly Wait? "You are all sheep! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

But if feminism sucks, why are you voting for a female politician?

You may have noticed that I've been neglecting election season letters (and every other kind of letter, for that matter, but forget about those for a second). That's because those letters are deluges of repetitive idiocy, the torrents of which erode even my hardy psychological exterior. For my health and sanity (coupled with work and apathy and such) I intended to wait until after Barack HUSSEIN Obama mops the floor with John SIDNEY McCain's stupid balding head to start posting again.

But Karen Clark cannot wait. Her letter is delicious; the kind of letter that spurred me to start this blog in the first place.


I'm so hyped up about it, I'm going to do a running commentary.

When Sarah Palin took little Trig into her arms and walked back and forth across the convention platform, she won the devotion of people who support life choices (I imagine the ones who value choices and life are predominantly voting O/B. She probably got them mixed up with "mindless biddies that can't handle anything less tame than an Anne Geddes photo or Beverly Hills Chihuahua." It's a common mistake for mindless biddies to make.) and pricked the dark part of the heart of America, the dark part that harbors abortion with all its pain and hatred for all those who desire to see loving nurture replace it.

"Loving nurture" in this context means women being treated like farm animals, women dying, an influx of unwanted people, and increased crime rates. But hey, that is the sacrifice we must make- otherwise you will have to live with THIS on your hands.

The radical feminists who got abortion legalized aren’t even charged the expense of emotional and mental counseling that is needed by many women who know they have made the wrong choice and cannot bear the guilt of taking a life.

I wonder how much counseling these women actually need. I also wonder how much of any emotional distress endured stems directly from psychotic control freaks constantly harassing and patronizing them.

They have been telling other women what they should think, feel, do and be since they got the headlines in the 1960s burning bras


and chanting their power slogans. They shouted down and tried to intimidate all other voices, and got their way for a while.

The only ones who realized that women are actually autonomous people and fought the hardest for that fact to be recognized, are really bossing around the poor dears. Misogynist white dudes, Stepford wives and other ideological dinosaurs are the ones REALLY looking out for your freedom. War is Peace, doubleplusgood yadda yadda.

They have been indoctrinating women for generations and have lost all objectivity to the point of idiocy. (I’d rather be rescued by a woman (fire person) even if it meant being dragged by my feet because there is more oxygen near the floor, even though my head might be bumping down stairs.)

Karen Clark's idea of feminism- formulated after years of experience with those involved; or gained from an accumulation of throwaway lines from conservative windbags and lame "edgy" stand up comedians? Taking bets now.

Abortion is a monster that keeps on devouring and raking in millions of dollars ($500 dollars per procedure! I do believe that is one metric asston of cash! Especially by medical procedure standards!). It cannot be stopped.

Or can it?

(Nope- but it can be forced out of view into treacherous and unsanitary conditions!)

With the spotlight on unselfish love and devotion,

(Yes, with the spotlight on these unselfish *snrk* loving *snort* Repub- Republic- oh fuck I can't type it with a straight face YOU ARE A FUCKING RIOT)

maybe it can be. And that is what its proponents fear. Hatred and fear always bring bad judgment.

("Oh, before I forget let me remind you that Obama is a TERRORIST! A BLACK TERRORIST! HIS MIDDLE NAME IS HUSSEIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!")

Two candidates are pro-life. Two are pro-abortion. Will you choose the life platform or the death platform?

I'm voting for the pro-choice platform, you colluder piece of shit.