Sunday, January 25, 2009

Do you know what YOUR PRESIDENT did today?!?

Ok, I think we've reached the point where anybody who doesn't have an extreme dislike of GWB probably has to have a man from the county come by to tie their shoes for them every morning, and text alerts every hour to remind them to blink.

That being said, there was one thing about him that I always empathized with: his horrific oratory skills. I mean, I KNOW he was the president and good oration should have been a requirement, but I always felt a twinge of sympathy for him whenever somebody brought up "Is our children learning?" and had a good laugh at his expense.

Because if you think that's bad, you ought to hear ME talk sometime. I make Dubya look like Patrick Henry. Seriously, I sang "Fee Tines a Mady" years before I ever saw that skit on SNL. Touch your tongue on an electric fence and then read a badly translated fortune cookie out loud and you'll get a close approximation of my public speaking skills.

Why am I telling you this? Because today's obnoxiously pedantic letter by Joy O'Toole reminded me of it. Curiously, she DOESN'T mention Bush while listing world leaders with speech problems; I would think she's save ink just by saying, "Bush fans should NOT mock the oratory skills of others. BIYATCH".

MEANWHILE, Dan Walters has a charmingly useless alternative to a smoking ban: cutesy signs! I know whenever I read a patronizing bumper sticker or needlepoint hanging on the wall, the message pierces my cold sinful heart like an icicle.

For example, my grandmother used to have a wooden sign that said "Back Door Guests Are Best." I was shamed, SHAMED! into using the back door. By that I mean, homosexual experimentation. THANKS GRANDMA! But I digress...

Finally, I've noticed that there's a lot of people out there (namely on FOX Network) reluctant to the idea of President Obama, manifested in their reluctance to refer to him as "President Obama". Today's anti-choicer actually did the "do you know what YOUR SON did today?!?" ploy.

Yes, Barack Obama is my president. HE'S YOUR PRESIDENT TOO.


Friday, January 23, 2009

Belated Blog for Choice Day

Don'tchoo know? Yesterday was Blog for Choice day. The theme was "what is your top pro-choice hope for President Obama and/or the new Congress?"

Here I go!

Abolish ab-ed funding, ditto for crisis pregnancy centers, get rid of the fucking conscience clause and make the anti-healthcare people abstain from healthcare careers, get rid of that Global Gag Rule (oh hey nevermind thanks man!) FOCA, and ERA if we've got the time.

Ding dang done.

Now that's out of the way, let's segue into the letters! Figures that the Globe would wait a day before posting a trio of letters relating to reproductive health and slut shaming.

First off we have Gwen Hunt's anti- abstinence ed argument, framed for Southwest Missourian consumption. How? Instead of leading on the fact that IT DOESN'T WORK, focus on the fact that it's not the federal government's responsibility. That's the conservative's line, which is sure to cause a glitch in the neocon padawan's mind. They haven't mastered the cognitive dissonance skills of their mentors, you see.

Second we have David Ship who almost! ALMOST! got the right idea (it's up to the people to reduce abortion), but then immediatly shoots it all down. We don't need a shame police- we need a shame MILITIA!

Step #4 had me rolling, since he readily admits that not blaming women is a new and radical concept for him--

"This is a new one, at least for me to advocate. Stop blaming the young woman as if she did it herself. It takes two to bring a child into this world. It is in one body, but two people brought it about. Let the young men know it is their fault too. Cast blame gently; firmly, but gently. You may only create a bigger problem by getting mean-spirited. But both parents are at fault."

We were hoping, by adopting an egalitarian outlook, that you'd stop blaming BOTH parties and knock it off with the puritanical nuttiness. You take what you can get I guess.

Notice the complete absence of what to do if a woman needs an abortion to, y'know, NOT DIE. I imagine he forgot that. What do you want from him? He's concerned about LIFE, damn it!

David Shipp may be bowing to our feminist overlords by not advocating government seizure of lady parts, but Rita Crowell is still kickin' it old school.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


Still busted up. However, this day I couldn't help but be cheery despite missing all the inauguration festivities while languishing in a dreary waiting room all afternoon.

Quote of the day -- "Griffith talks to Republicans like they were dumb by nature, but the deepest thing in our nature is the dumb region of the heart where we vote for our families and our beliefs, not whether a person is black or white." --- Dan Walters, going NUH UH WE ARE NOT RACIST.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


I have newfound respect for those souls who suffer a crippling injury or illness and are described by their friends and family as not being ones to wallow in self-pity or bitterness. I say this because I'm suffering a comparatively minor injury right now and OH MY GOD I AM SO FUCKING BITTER AND FULL OF IMPOTENT RAGE RIGHT NOW.

Let's try and be positive, shall we?

One bright spot in my day was this letter dissing the Oppositeer. I need to feature more snarky, intentionally funny Globean letters. They're there. Sometimes.

Sunday, January 4, 2009


Due to my being a colossal dumbfuck, I've managed to grievously injure myself. So expect light posts for the next six weeks, at least.

Here's your letters. Talk among yourselves.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year!

Ring in the new with this delectably nonsensical offering from Steve Goebel.

"Abortion is illegal, except where it isn't. Those people need to outlaw it because it's illegal, darn it!"

Witness the very picture of circular reasoning. And rambling reasoning. And non-reasoning...reasoning.

Also, you want to see what defensive bitter white people look like? You've probably seen it before, but if you want a refresher, read the comments on this Sunday column here.