Monday, June 30, 2008

The Theory of Rita-tivity

Over the years I have read many of Rita Crowell’s letters to the editor, like the one printed today. I think now is the perfect time to unveil one of my pet theories of the universe, which I call the Theory of Rita-tivity.

This theoretical model hypothesizes that Rita Crowell's statements have the ability to alter reality itself, for it's the law of nature for her to be always wrong.

If she says that grass is green, it will sprout purple. If she refers to you as a “she”, check yourself - you probably have male genitalia now, even if you didn’t have any before. If she calls a cow a cow, it will magically transform into a vacuum cleaner. If she ever said "I am always wrong", the fabric of reality would totally unravel. (Right now I'm petitioning her to write a letter declaring that I do NOT have a suitcase full of 5 million dollars stashed under my bed. I'm hoping that she will say "no".)

If she were smart, she'd say "gay marriage is ok and not at all threatening to straight marriage and will one day be legal!", for it would immediately become untrue. Unless she’s actually a vigilant humanist, keeping reality in check with her actions. Maybe there’s a whole network of people with these powers, unceasingly proclaiming the opposite of things! Maybe they’re called “Oppositeers” and they all have wrist communicators and uniforms and laser guns and a secret satellite HQ high above the earth! And they greet each other by saying “Goodbye, hated enemy!”, because they do everything the opposite way. And they eat with their butts.


I only have two letters from Riley T. Jay in my data collection, but I’m starting to formulate a similar hypothesis. Hypothesis: Riley T. Jay always has screwed up priorities, and is often wrong. I need more data, however.

I also hypothesize that he is allergic to the word “Earth” and has to have someone else type it for him or else he breaks into hives.

Mike Pound is all like HYUCK HYUCK WOMEN AND MEN ARE DIFFERENT HYUCK HYUCK. Next week’s topic: What's the Deal With Airline Food?


Friday, June 27, 2008

That one looks Jewish/ And that one’s a coon!/ Who let all this riffraff into the room?

Fri and Sat letters are up, and it looks like Privileged-Americans are fed up! With several things.

First, the Globe tells the tale of the official who referenced the KKK. Dude, the KKK isn’t the way to go. You have to be more subtle, like the much put-upon white folks featured below.


Paul Butler blames the historical illiteracy of America’s youth on multicultural studies. Apparently he has never gone to public school, especially around here. I can attest that we never ventured outside the U.S. unless absolutely necessary. The places where they teach stuff about Asian and African cultures are the places where the kids actually learn history. We basically learned 4th grade US government, and we re-learned it every grade. Of course, around here people are more interested in shooting squirrels with BB guns, so even that didn’t sink in for most of them.


Richard McClure thinks only straight white Christians should have a voice in a mainstream paper. Those people who point out racism are SO TERRIBLY RACIST, y’know?


Five bucks says that McClure is the kind of guy who sees something like BET or Women’s History Month and goes “How come we mainstream people don't have our own channel/month/newspaper/space? WE ARE SO PERSECUTED OMG REVERSE RACISM IS THE ONLY REAL RACISM PC POLICE EVERYWHERE AAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ”


John Franz thinks everyone besides rich straight whites do not deserve to whine as much as he does.


My favorite part? “…my favorite minority, Caucasians”, which is where John slips up. You’re supposed to present yourself as the one true non-racist, unfairly persecuted by welfare queens and other racial rabble-rousers who discriminate against the noble white man.



Bill Hawkins puts scare quotes around “gay.” I imagine, like John Franz above, he wants to reclaim it. Have fun with that, you two gay old guys.


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Where were you when the Maggie stopped turning on that September day?

Esther Berlanga-Ryan wants to make you cry today.


Esther, if you want to write for Chicken Soup for the Soul the Globe, I have some advice. Personally I find the last sentence kind of clashing with the rest. I can’t help but hear it in annoying little sister talk. “Guh! What did you THINK I was talking about! I mean seriously, DUH!”

Also, you forgot to include Jesus and/or a kid with cancer. We want to see some waterworks here, honey!

You’re well on your way to be a prolific glurge email writer. And to my trash folder where I keep all those emails.


When I started reading this letter, I had my trigger finger on the comment button, ready to combat the Dipshit Pro-Life Woman Hater’s Club. I was chomping at the bit (literally- they make me wear this so I stop eating babies) to demolish this argument.


But then I noticed the name. Attaching that name to the end of the argument does all the work of debunking it for me.


I have yet another tip to lower our nation’s gasoline consumption.



Sunday, June 22, 2008

Bible Quotes- UR DOIN' IT RONG

Look out, some villainous reporter caught wind of me. Go over there and take him out before it's too late! ( By "take him out", I mean "read his blog." Also "villainous" in this context means "swell." )

Mustn't forget the letters. Riley T. Jay writes in to remind us that whenever you buy recycled printer paper, you might as well erect a golden calf statue on your lawn.


I'm not convinced that them dirty hippie types (in this context, anyone who has ever thought "Hey, maybe dumping pig feces into the drinking water and converting entire states into landfills are not such bright ideas!") really value the environment over humanity. However, if they do, I know why- it's because dilweeds like Jay make the rest of us look bad. I know that after growing up surrounded by people like this guy, I'd much prefer the company of baby seals. I mean, seals are dumb, but they're supposed to be dumb. A seal's never going to imply that believing in heroes and causes instead of one random dope's personal idea of a deity is a bad thing to do.

Meanwhile, C. Keith Sigler is here to show us the ropes on the delicate art of Bible Quoting.


Remember folks, when you're cherry picking the Bible, you have to do it the RIGHT way. Some more tips from moi:

Tip 1: Don't refer to it as cherry picking. That's what your opponents do. You interpret.

Tip 2: Remember that our modern secular society is utterly inadequate to deal with moral issues. The Bible is the one true moral path...unless something doesn't sit well with your modern values. Then you can chuck it.

Tip 3: You can ignore pretty much everything from Leviticus. EXCEPT FOR THE PARTS REGARDING GAY HOMO QUEERMOSEXUALS. This is essential.

Tip 4: Just ignore the historical misogynistic/racist/otherwise horrible customs of the church justified by scripture- all those ancient Christians just read it wrong. You are much, much more enlightened than they were (but not in a nasty secular sense no no no)!!!!

Tip 5: At the end of your argument be sure to point out just how GOOD and RIGHTEOUS you are, because your opponent is OBVIOUSLY a BIG SMELLY FATHEAD but you forgive him and will pray for him anyway because you are JUST THAT DAMN RIGHTEOUS AND NICE AND CHRISTLIKE. Unlike stupid biased SMELLY McFATHEAD there.

Tune in next time for some more Bible Quotin' Tips!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

You know, if you abandon logic, you'll find my logic sound.

Apologies for my laziness. Damn work getting in the way of my completely trivial and pointless hobbies!

A while ago, Chris Cook challenged gay marriage opponents to offer an argument that was neither religious nor otherwise idiotic. An impossible task, but they’re trying their best.

Huh, where to start where to start...

The first "point" (more like a rubber stopper) reminds me of Henry Ford, who once said regarding the Model T: "It's available in any color you want, as long as that color is black." Of course, Ford was joking. It wouldn't be the first time that conservatives based their beliefs on things that normal people would consider jokes.

The Anita Bryant thing is just fucking LAZY. Unless Keith lives in a swamp, what's stopping him from firing up Google and looking it up himself?

I love the last paragraph the best. “Ah HA! Watch as I devastate your argument by admitting that my worldview has no basis other than my interpetation of an ancient mythology! Suck on that, fagboy!”

Meanwhile, I don’t know if this desperation-reeking letter is sad or funny.


On the one hand he’s clearly in a pitiful state of denial, grasping desperatly for straws. On the other hand…he’s clearly in a pitiful state of denial, grasping desperatly for straws. Plus the word “Iraqastan” is gold. I’m going for both sad and funny.

(As an aside, bugs would be a good resource if we ever get into a food crisis. There’s tons of the fuckers and I can attest that many are quite yummy. But I digress.)

WAIT! According to the comments, Mr. Udell was being sarcastic. D’oh! I hate it when that happens. I wonder if that includes the Limbaugh-esque “huh huh all Mooslooms are interchangeable” sentiment.
Also, from yesterday, this guy knows how to handle the affairs of minorities better than the minorities in question.




Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Love Me, I'm a Liberal Democrat!

Let's use our time travel powers to post Thursday letters!

You may have noticed that, more often than not, this blog focuses on conservative letters more than liberal letters. Four reasons:

1. The Globe gets more conservative letters, period. Therefore, the percentage of wingnuts is always going to be higher than moonbats.

2. Any leftwing letters the Globe gets are usually too tame, sane, well-written and all-around unremarkable for this blog. Alien abductees, Scientologists and 9/11 conspirators are few and far between.

3. Most stupid people are conservative. John Stuart Mill knew it, Colbert knows it, dogs know it. It's a fact of life.

4. It's my blog, I can post whatever I want, so nyeh.

Today, however, conservatives get a break. Let's have a look.

Let's start with this guy. He's a liberal- he says so in the first sentence! He also thinks we should declare war on the entire Middle East to get their oil.



Meanwhile, we have someone weighing in on the homeless controversy.* It's a typical "mean people suck" letter. These letters tend to be well-intended; but also preachy, cliched and overwrought.


Here's a fun drinking game: reread this letter and take one drink whenever the word "bigot" or any of its variants show up. Reread over and over until drunk. This is why we have thesauruses, people.

*For those not up to date, the City of Refuge is a religious organization that wants to build a homeless shelter in Joplin. Some people were all like, "Eww! Homeless people! Lowered property values!", and the other side was all like "Eww! Snotty heartless bigots!", and there was a small minority going "Eww! Evangelical vultures bribing people with basic necessities!" Most of these letters ended right before the blog started.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven. Also, heterosexual.

Ever since Eve plucked the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, every person in this world has been plagued with sin. All sins are equal in the eyes of the Lord, and the simple act of accepting Jesus Christ into your heart will absolve you. All sins can be forgiven, so sayeth the Lord.

Wait, did I say “all sins”? I’m sorry, I meant every sin except the gay buttsex.

I mean, seriously, YUCKIES.




Steve Goebel’s brain poops on a piece of stationary; sends it to Globe.


Francis G. Bliss thinks that citizenship hinges on whether you have a gun or not. (Hey! That reminds me of Starship Troopers!) He also states that Sarah wasn't pandering to the media; then he goes on about how you HAVE to do goofy stunts to...pander to the media.

From this letter we can conclude that Steelman was not pandering to the media; she was just catering to their lower tastes and desires.


Finally, LOLWTF?


Sunday, June 8, 2008

Gloomy Sunday

Sunday letters are up, and all of them are too mellow and tame for this blog. Heck, this one writer actually made an effort to not include a bible quote! She did such a good job that I'm just going to pick on her argument in earnest.

This is probably one of the best (and few) secular arguments that homophobes have, which is why it's so often repeated. "Every ancient civilization that embraced the gays has DIED OUT!!!!"

Which is true. But so did the ancient civilizations that didn't. That's kind of why they're called "ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS".

I find it especially amusing when Christians use this argument in regards to Ancient Rome. Christians. Ancient Rome. Blaming it on something else. Lol.



Aw man, I really don't want to pick on kids. Damn you Globe! THAT'S CHEATING! Ah well, their first editorial was well-argued and not insane, so my worries are probably for nothing.

Friday, June 6, 2008



Susan Golis really, really does not like the word “kudos”.

Now she’s getting jumped on in the comments for wasting space that could have gone to more important topics; topics like “Did Jesus ride a Triceratops to school?” or “Bush did 9/11!” no doubt. However, I feel this is a much more stimulating topic. If you were a Language Nazi like Susie here, what words would be rounded up by your Language Gestapo?

My Top 10:

1. “Politically incorrect” and all variants thereof. It’s just a PC term for “reactionary asshole”. Whiny, snotty Archie Bunkers who feel their special privileges being rightfully stripped away and are sooooo offended.

2. “Multitasking”: Never liked this word, never will, and no I don’t have a reason. Just say “doing more than one thing at a time.”

3. “Activist judge”: Used exclusively by people who have no idea how government and judiciary works. Yeah, the judge declared that your stupid mob mentality wasn't gonna cut it. THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO DO, YOU STUPID FUCKERS. Go watch some Schoolhouse Rock, or take a sixth grade social studies class, and then get back with us.

4. “Vagina”: This one wouldn't be banned; however the proper usage would be strictly enforced. When most people say “vagina”, they mean “vulva”, which sounds sexier anyway besides being the accurate term.

5. “Ironic”: See “Vagina”.

6. “Emo:” Fine when used with actual emo things. However, when anyone is anything besides a bubbly or aggressive extrovert, they’re suddenly “emo”. I’m sorry, but actual emotions kind of predated your much-maligned subculture since THE DAWN OF HUMANITY.

7. “Empowered:” Similar to “multitasking”, no particular reasoning behind this. How about “I feel grrrrrrrrrreat!”, I feel inspired!”, “I feel like I can kick all kinds of ass!”, instead.

8. "Homemade:" Food companies use it all the time, and it's false advertising and annoying besides. Unless you have some squatters in your processing plant, or the manager of your fast food joint sleeps in a cot in the basement, it is not made in a home and is therefore not homemade. At the very least, use "homestyle" instead.

9. "Chiropractor:" Change to "Overpaid Quack Backcrackers". Or "Backquackers." Heh.

10. Any combination of "traditional" "family" and/or "values": Used almost exclusively, and thus perverted, by insecure, fun-ruining control freaks with effed up belief systems.

See? It’s not a waste of a topic at all! Kudos to Susan for bringing it up!


UPDATE: Weekend letters are up, and they all suck so they're not being posted here. Bummer.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Ladies and Gentlemen, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRITA!

Glorious day! Rita Crowell, upon hearing my pleas for introductory material, sent us a two-pager! Now you know why I was pining so- no one can make a nutty letter quite like Rita. Sure, any dipshit godbag can buy an internet chain letter hook, line and sinker. However, it takes a special sort of insane to copy-paste it, sprinkle you own brand of nuttiness on it, and send it in for publishing.

(no picture yet, computer is being a d-bag)

Never stop, Rita. Every amero paid to read the Globe is worth it.

(FUN FACT: Some of the original ideas for this blog's name included "The Rita Filter" and "Friends of Rita". I finally decided that they were too vague for n00bs.)

Tuesday, June 3, 2008


The world is a frightening place. The economy is going belly up. Terrorists, extremists, criminals and perverts run wild in the world. The once great nation is losing its lauded title “Leader of the Free World” as other nations one-up it in civil rights, living standards and job opportunities. It's enough to send one to the edge of panicking.

Wait. Wait just one goddamned minute.

Did someone just say “BEARS”?



Fuck this shit. I'm moving to Antarctica.