MARRY ME ANNE KETTENBRINK

No letters today; I just wanted to share my newfound love with you.

Meet Anne Kettenbrink.

I was scoping for letters when I suddenly realized that there are other things to this "newspaper" racket other than funny papers and stupid letters. The headline screamed at me. "Bigfoot and other fake things?" It's a sad state of affairs, but with the media's (especially the Globe- ghost hunters anyone?) track record of peddling and humoring stupid bullshit, I was escatic to finally see a journalist say "You know what? This is stupid bullshit. And you should feel like a stupid, bullshitted person for even considering such a ludicrous notion". It's like finding an oasis in the desert.

And when I read the article, it was like finding not just an oasis, but an oasis full of hot naked people and pinball machines. For there is a goddess, a marvelously bitchy and opinionated diva, and her name is Anne Kettenbrink.

I combed some more articles. She also wrote this infamous column where she called people "morons" for voting the wrong way. She wrote a column asking people if they were too stupid to live. She has a vendetta against some dope who literally moved her cheese- she mentioned it in the previously mentioned column as well. Hell, she even apes Family Guy.

I apparently made a mistake when I assumed that the Globe staff were all a bunch of family newspaper dweebs, their most provocative columns bemusingly recounting their household gender dynamics; dynamics which differ little from your average crap sitcom. "HEY MY HUSBAND NEVER ASKS FOR DIRECTIONS!! AIN'T THAT JUST A KA-RAZY THING MEN DO?!? ALSO, WOMEN SHOP FOR CANDLES AND BASKETS AND HAVE VAGOOOOOS!!!!!"

Sorry, went off on a tangent there. Anyway, be on the lookout for that Anne character. Hopefully, she'll show up on this blog again.

Yes, Cindy, Stacy's mom does indeed have it going on.

Yeah, I haven't updated in over two months. Nobody told me that maintaining a blog was haaaaaaaaard.

It wasn't for lack of material. From good ol' Rita to Riley T. to the Douchey Professor (seriously, read his letter, it's one of the douchiest things ever published in the section) to AHHHH VEGGIE PIZZAS!

In the meantime, enjoy this hilarious pearl-clutching column by Cindy Sigler Dagnan. The best part----"I snorted Starbucks up my nose the other day when I caught the gist of a song whose words, I believe, included the phrase, “Stacy’s mom has got it goin’ on.” Well. Good for Stacy’s mom. Or is it? "