Bwap.

Bwap bwap bwap.

Fun fact: They took out the part where I asked the torture people if it's a good idea to racially profile middle-aged white guys now; also "All this with the equivalent of a mere college hazing prank! You want to fight terrorism don't you?" I think it detracts from the argument's impact; but I'm no editor and I probably just typed too damn much.

I was also instructed by the guy who received my letter to plug the blog in the comments, so if any newbies are reading, hey! How ya doing? If you never read this thing again at least vote in the polls situated to your left! Read this to get acquainted with the nominees.

EDIT: This is the greatest comment ever. (bolding mine)

1concerned1 writes:
Only a fool would use this premise as an argument regarding so called torture. Anti-choice? What choice does the fetus have? Might you consider it to be torture sticking a needle into the brain of that fetus to suck it's brains out? You are tying to do the same thing that pro death, abortionists are already using. Sweet sounding titles..Pro choice my butt. Pehaps your mother shoud aborted you, you sick twisted fool!

6. PROFIT!!!

Remember, the Peggy Award polls have four days left! Go vote or I'll have a celebrity belittle you with some hip freestyle verse.

Hey look! I reduced Karen Strange’s letter to its original form letter format~

“One has to wonder how many of those in the coalition fighting against [evil means of production] have [aforementioned products that don‘t have to be produced that way but dominate the market so you don‘t really have another choice unless you‘re super rich or abstain completely]

[“Lagoons of pig feces, animal abuse and antibiotic doping are good things argument” goes here]

[Folksy closer]”

On an inquiring note, why do spokespeople for organizations list their affiliation when they write these letters? I assume it’s a law or something, because who’s going to believe you’re not advancing that cause for a paycheck?

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Dude, Ethan Beaver (hee!) did NOT just compare the non-homophobic to Nazis.

I will copy/paste my comment there, here.

Social conservatives who compare the minorities they despise to the perpetrators of the Holocaust ought to be ashamed of themselves. Do you really see yourself as someone rebelling against persecution of gays, Jews and non-whites? Let's face it-- you would be the first cheering governmental discrimination against anyone that isn't you. Actually, I take that back-- you ARE the ones cheering for it RIGHT NOW.

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The funniest thing about Randy Brown’s letter is that most of his “radical liberal talking points” are actually good ideas. Hey, did you hear about that museum shooting today? Why would anyone want that guy unarmed?

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“Hmm", Riley T. asks, "is it selfish to be a capitalist? I will use LOGIC to figure this out!

1. I am Christian.

2. Christians are not selfish.

3. I also really like money.

4.Capitalism gets me money.

5. Since I am not selfish and I like capitalism, we can conclude that capitalism is not selfish.

Also, being a meat puppet of a Sky Fairy makes you a responsible person, while being your own person is irresponsible and foolish and smelly.

God! I love logic!”

Post Philosopher

I may have lumped Dan Walters in a twofer on the Best Frequent Letter Writers Poll (which may I remind you, is on the left side of your screen and is just aching for your vote). However, with every letter he writes I suspect that he deserves to be in a class all his own.

Bible quotes? Check. Creepy obsession with breeding and overpopulating the place? Check. “Political correctness?” Check. Homophobia and anti-feminism? Check. Preaching Biblical values while simultaneously lauding capitalism? Check.

If you haven’t voted yet, don’t be afraid to cast Dan a vote (if you so desire)! We have faith in you now, Dan!

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Of course, you can also vote for Jim Keener. $5 says that Jim Keener’s “old philosopher” doesn't really exist. Philosophers, as a general rule, are not concerned about "post turtles". They're probably more concerned about "sky turtles."

That was a long way to go for a historical reference disguised as a joke.

Long story short-- no philosopher worth his salt would be peddling email forward "folksy wisdom" as a point to ponder.

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Meanwhile, Bill Hicks once credited good music to drug use. What do you get without recreational drug use? Wal-Mart music.

C. Keith Sigler is in the Guest Column poll, by the way. Vote!

Jekyll and...Spiering?

Another badly timed letter. Whoops! Deborah White lays it down: the Bible says abortion is wrong!* But there's one minor flaw in her argument, and it's revealed in the first comment:

SuperDuperPatriot writes:
But I don't care what it says in the Bible.

That cracks me up. Kudos to SDP!
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Mild-mannered Wendall Lewis writes a letter to the Globe. Little does he realize that his irrational reptilian hindbrain, which takes over his body by night and goes by the name Dave Spiering, does the same thing.

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This letter by Naomi Hutchinson, where she whines about restaurants these days (what with their baggy pants and the rap music!), infuriates me. For two reasons:

1. She is complaining about a bad experience at a certain restaurant, but she never mentions the name of it so other hapless diners won't make the same mistake!

2. She mentions a restaurant that employs immodestly dressed waitstaff, but she never mentions the name of it so we know where to go other hapless diners won't make the same mistake!

Also note the first sentence. "Not a complainer?" YES YOU ARE. This is the Opinion pages, that's what you do, that's what you are doing right now.

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Two trains of thought have been flittering around in my brain since Sunday. One concerns Dr. Tiller and the pro-life movement that killed him. Another is the torture apologist argument that goes "It's OK to torture because OMG beheadings 9/11 ticking time bomb TERRORISTS!!!111!!!", like the one printed in the last post. These thoughts cross paths.

Let's stop beating around the bush: Scott Roeder and all the other pro-lifers that have killed doctors, bombed clinics and threatened patients? They're terrorists. Using violence against civilians to obtain political or religious goals? Yep, that's terrorism--the dictionary definition!

My query to the torture apologists is this: since these guys associate with terrorists, are we justified in waterboarding them? Can we racially profile middle aged white guys? Who knows, we may be able to prevent another terrorist attack! All this with the so-called equivalent of a college hazing prank! You want to stop terrorism, right?

What's that? You're not so eager about waterboarding now? Huh.

*Again, ignoring Exodus 21:22

Worst Timing EVER, Hazel

Seriously.

I wonder if the women who benefited from Dr. Tiller's services appreciate being called heartless monsters? You know, the women who very much wanted a child but due to the cruel, mindless machinations of nature (dare I say, God?), were forced to terminate to save their lives?

Does the condition of heartlessness prevent someone from gunning a doctor down while he attends church with his friends and loved ones? If so, than Hazel Blakenship, eat my heart out.

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This letter's ok, but I have to ask, what's so "politically correct" about buying from thrift stores? When I think of those words I think of infuriated privileged man-children having to deal with people different than them; that or Captain Planet. When I think of thrift stores, I think of art students, hipsters, poor people and miserly frugal types.
Admittedly, those aren't No-Spin Zone White Dudes, so they may very well be PC. I guess everyone and everything that isn't, is.

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Torture apologists know that there was no excuse for what happened, so they have to make up imaginary what-if scenarios instead.

"I want you to imagine that you were sucked into a time vortex that sent you to the time your parents first met. Now there's another suitor vying for your mother's carnal affections; unfortunately the only person who knows the suitor's identity is an individual that belongs to a race of sentient Marsupial People. This individual also has a time machine, but only plans on using it to travel to the future to eat puppies. Knowing that this creature is not technically human and that if you fail to act you will never be conceived (and also countless litters of adorable Boston Terriers will be boiled and eaten), would you be so reluctant about waterboarding then? WOULD YOU?!?"

Dammit People!

Stop writing sensible letters. That is NOT how we do it.

Here, let Steve Goebel show you how it's done.

Happy One Year Blogiversary!

To celebrate, I’ve taken my personal favorite letters and letter writers from this year and narrowed them down to the best of the best.

It’s time for the First Annual Time Honored Joplin Globe Madness Awards-- the Peggies! Look to your left and let's look at the categories:

Best Frequent Letter Writer

Riley T. Jay -- He of the mixed up priorities.

Rita Crowell -- I seriously considered not nominating her; she has the unfair advantage in both the cuckoo-ness and the sheer volume of her letters.

Jim Keener --Token lefty, unless…

Steve Goebel --is one too. I think he is, but he never makes any goddamn sense so it’s hard to tell.

Dan Walters and Allen Shirley -- They’re being nominated together because they’re both interchangeable dittoheads.

Best Guest Column

Richard La Near: The Douchey Professor

Cindy Sigler Dagnan: "Stacy's mom had got it going on-- by 'it' I mean 'the destruction of American moral values'."

Paul K. Butler: "Boot camp is exactly like waterboarding!"

C. Keith Sigler: "You can't just quote from the Bible if you're going to quote the Bible."

Arthur L. Strobel: "Seriously? You have a chink holiday on the calendar?!?"

Best Letter

Alberta Anders: "There’s too much homosex on TV, so I’m going to stick with Ellen."

Carol Thomas: “Hide your white babies from Obama!”

Karen Clark: "The only women that deserve rights are Sarah Palin and me!

Burney Johnson: "Bear-A-Geddon!"

Verlin R. Snider: "My common ancestor was a clod of dirt."

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You can vote until the 15th. Let your voice be heard my friends!