Today Is Quotation Mark Abuse Awareness Day

A few days ago the Globe ran an editorial endorsing a need for better science education.

Today, Verlin R. Snider shows just how badly we need it.

Is there anything, anything at all, on this earth dumber than a creationist? They don't know anything about anything.

If the writer had followed his title “better” science, he could have set forth a basic flaw in society today. Indeed, we need “better” science — science based on facts, not theory.

THEORIES ARE INTEGRAL TO THE SCIENTIFIC PROCESS YOU SHIT FOR BRAINS. HAVE YOU EVER EVEN READ A FUCKING SCIENCE BOOK IN YOUR LIFE? DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO READ?!?

But, you know, maybe you have a point. How can any theory compete with the humbling and sensible logic of Magical Fruit and Talking Snake Theory?

One Sentence Wonders

I was checking the letters for something besides Snoresville local issues when I saw my name in a letter's one sentence preview description.

Johnny Kaje’s remarks (Globe, Feb. 28) stating that women do not have a soul gland in their ovaries to bestow personhood status as an embryo is another example of an arrogant unbeliever mocking God.

A reply to my letter! My heart leapt in my throat- the writer had a strong opening sentence and I couldn’t wait to read the rest!
I clicked, the letter loaded, and I could finally read the rest:

Gordon W. Thompson

Grove, Okla.

…that’s it? No expounding on the point that this is a bad thing? No Bible quotes? No phony-ass passive-aggressive “I will pray for you”?

Just one lousy sentence?

That…that hurts. Damnit, they’ve gotten to me. The arrogant unbeliever is breaking out the old sad face. Here I go... <:(

Speaking of single sentences, Donald A. Miller Sr. has written one of the most beautiful sentences to ever grace the Voices page. Bask in the glory of this sentence:

The croissant-eating wine-drinking liberal pukes can take everything now that we have a foreigner with their mind-set in the White House.

What else can anyone say? It’s perfection. Joplin Globe madness, distilled in a single sentence. It brings a tear to my eye. Well done, Donald. I'm putting away the sad face and breaking out the happy face. :D

Bad Timing

When I read “House rules aim to silence GOP”, I felt deeply for my fellow countrymen. Imagine--to be rendered silent and impotent by the majority! My heart bleeds!

So in support of my fallen brothers and sisters in the Grand Old Party, I pledged to speak for them this day. Let the Republican voice be heard!

Here it is:

“bwap bwap bwap TAX CUTS bwap bwap bwap SOCIALISM bwap bwap bwap ANYTHING BESIDES WAR AND ABSTINENCE FUNDING IS PORK bwap bwap bwap MUSLIMS AND LIBERALS AND QUEERS OH MY bwap bwap bwap”

You’ve just heard the Republican voice! You can now carry on with your sane policy making.

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I realized last night that I started this blog at the worst possible time.

You see, the culture wars are my bread and butter. I probably should have started this blog around 2004-ish, when the opinion pages were buzzing about gay marriage and Ten Commandments plaques and all sorts of crazy stuff.

But nope, I had to wait until the tail-end of the Bush administration, and now that the furor of “OMG BLACK MUSLIM PRESIDENT” is wearing thin, everyone’s talking about economics.

Unfortunately for you, dear readers, I know as much about money as a dog knows about standardized English.

Of course, a dog knows some words; like “walk”, “no”, and “food”. Likewise, I know that corporations aren’t human beings, that it’s kind of stupid to tax people in an inversely proportional way to their wealth, and that the “Going Galt” people are not visionary hard-working assholes, but mere assholes.

On a day like today I can't offer much in the way of commentary besides "Dan Walters wrote this, and this guy's supporting The Douchey Professor, and that's all you need to know." Sorry, folks. The day will come when someone will start writing about Noah’s Ark in Turkey and the wholesome goodness of the Confederate flag again.

When that day comes, I WILL BE THERE.

Try the Intertubes!

Do you think that Douglas K. Tope is trying to subtly accuse Obama of being a Kenyan Muslim born in India? Or is he sincere?

I take issue with the commentator's charge of "LOL computer illiteracy". There's a chance he wants a fresh voice we haven't heard before; a local soul who has memories that can't be found on your fancy Wikipedias and your Googles and such.

Or he may just be some clueless old-fashioned gomer after all. I dunno.

Results are in!

It's been two days, which is the max time I allow myself to care about comment threads on joplinglobe.com. Let's tally those turkey burgers!

Me- four turkey burgers (I'm including one guy who I know reads this blog but forgot the turkey burger rule. Also, myself.)

Dan- A whopping back-breaking ZERO. Tough break kid.

An aside on comments: Attention Joplin Blog web designers, is their any way you can revise the comments system so it's more coherent? Like maybe make people register so there's no more sock puppetry* and anonymous comments? How about a thread function so you can comment on a certain person's comment? How about axing the whole "tiny frame and text" thing . Please?

Just suggestions. Feel free to ignore. Good job otherwise.

Anyway, to celebrate my victory, enjoy this great Crowell basher by Harry Gardner. Hopefully more and more people will realize how futile it is to reason with her, and resort to gentle mockery instead.

*Note: I am SO GUILTY of sock puppetry you don't even know. I've been trying to cut down.**
**Before you ask, NO I DID NOT ENGAGE IN SOCK PUPPETRY DURING THE TURKEY BURGER POLL.