Never Mind the Never Mind

Darn it all, I‘m putting off my hiatus until after this post. I can’t stay away, not with these three doozies!

Francis G. Bliss tries to stir up taxpayer rage against imprisoning murderers for life. Never mind that the death penalty actually costs six times as much, or all that crap that that hippie Jesus said, but whatevs.



My favorite part is the last sentence. “Get some female pregnant?” Way to go out of your way to dehumanize women, dude.


Ed Goebel thinks that we don’t need animal abuse laws or other sorts of animal welfare because humans have a natural compassion for animals.

In the same breath he says that God made animals humanity’s meaty playthings. Hmm.

And finally, the jewel of the day’s harvest…Jim Keener, a 9/11 conspiracy dude!



You know how I can dismiss 9/11 conspirators out of hand? If it’s true that the Bush Administration planned the attacks, they probably would’ve grudgingly admitted it after some half-hearted denials. The Republicans would spin this into a good thing, and the Democrats and the media would roll over for them. The few non-sickos would’ve gotten upset, and this would be perceived as “whining” by the apathetic and the humanity-hating TV-sick jackoffs. Before you knew it you’d see bumper stickers that say “Fly A Plane Into A Skyscraper--It Pisses Off The Liberals!” (printed in a star spangled or rebel flag scheme of course) and absolutely nothing would be done.

Look at the past eight years and tell me that you can’t see that happening.

Anyway, I am going to get yelled at for posting again. I AM GOING ON HIATUS STARTING…NOW. FOR REAL-REAL THIS TIME.

Never Mind

Something has come up today. Now's as good a time as any to put the blog on an indefinite hiatus.
Will Joplin Globe Madness ever return?Hard to say. Time will tell.

Lay Off the Brown Sugar

The past few weeks or so I’ve been suffering a severe case of the fuck-its, compounded by my inexplicably weird-acting internet connection. Seriously, I’ve been trying to compose this post (links, Photobucket*, just logging into stupid Blogger) and it's taking nearly two and a half hours. I've got work in the morning people! When you factor in existential angst, it’s been hard to see why I should bother. However, after I read a doozy this evening, I decided I had to break my silence.

First, here’s one I missed: a hilariously racist pining for the good ole’ melting pot. A melting pot is fine, Gilbert Millner says, but only as long as the right races are added in the right amounts.

























He’s not racist! In fact, he’s three times as not-racist as your average racism-apologist---not only does he have black friends, but Asian and Hispanic ones too!


Flash forward to today. Peggy Ellis has apparently changed her name to Alberta Anders.






















Oh me oh my, where to start?

How about her belief that nudity and sex automatically equals immoral?

How about the fact that at one point she complains about homosexuality in one show, only to later consider switching from Oprah to Ellen? Ellen. I've never watched Brothers and Sisters, but it must have a whole lot of homosexual content to out-gay a show that’s hosted by an actual out lesbian.

How about the gut-busting phrase “the sex act”? Cripes, I can hear her saying that in my head! She sounds like my fourth grade choir teacher OH GOD I CANNOT UNHEAR IT PLEASE PLEASE SOMEBODY STOP THE HORRIBLE VOICE

*It is 12:45. I've been trying to log into Photobucket for an hour. For some reason it won't allow me to exit read-only mode. So fuck it- I'm not going to waste two more hours slogging through my shit connection making a shit new account on their shit website (despite already having an account there that worked perfectly fine before) to waste another two hours to upload two shit pictures. The shitty Blogger uploader is all we're getting.

Today Is Quotation Mark Abuse Awareness Day

A few days ago the Globe ran an editorial endorsing a need for better science education.

Today, Verlin R. Snider shows just how badly we need it.

Is there anything, anything at all, on this earth dumber than a creationist? They don't know anything about anything.

If the writer had followed his title “better” science, he could have set forth a basic flaw in society today. Indeed, we need “better” science — science based on facts, not theory.

THEORIES ARE INTEGRAL TO THE SCIENTIFIC PROCESS YOU SHIT FOR BRAINS. HAVE YOU EVER EVEN READ A FUCKING SCIENCE BOOK IN YOUR LIFE? DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO READ?!?

But, you know, maybe you have a point. How can any theory compete with the humbling and sensible logic of Magical Fruit and Talking Snake Theory?

One Sentence Wonders

I was checking the letters for something besides Snoresville local issues when I saw my name in a letter's one sentence preview description.

Johnny Kaje’s remarks (Globe, Feb. 28) stating that women do not have a soul gland in their ovaries to bestow personhood status as an embryo is another example of an arrogant unbeliever mocking God.

A reply to my letter! My heart leapt in my throat- the writer had a strong opening sentence and I couldn’t wait to read the rest!
I clicked, the letter loaded, and I could finally read the rest:

Gordon W. Thompson

Grove, Okla.

…that’s it? No expounding on the point that this is a bad thing? No Bible quotes? No phony-ass passive-aggressive “I will pray for you”?

Just one lousy sentence?

That…that hurts. Damnit, they’ve gotten to me. The arrogant unbeliever is breaking out the old sad face. Here I go... <:(

Speaking of single sentences, Donald A. Miller Sr. has written one of the most beautiful sentences to ever grace the Voices page. Bask in the glory of this sentence:

The croissant-eating wine-drinking liberal pukes can take everything now that we have a foreigner with their mind-set in the White House.

What else can anyone say? It’s perfection. Joplin Globe madness, distilled in a single sentence. It brings a tear to my eye. Well done, Donald. I'm putting away the sad face and breaking out the happy face. :D

Bad Timing

When I read “House rules aim to silence GOP”, I felt deeply for my fellow countrymen. Imagine--to be rendered silent and impotent by the majority! My heart bleeds!

So in support of my fallen brothers and sisters in the Grand Old Party, I pledged to speak for them this day. Let the Republican voice be heard!

Here it is:

“bwap bwap bwap TAX CUTS bwap bwap bwap SOCIALISM bwap bwap bwap ANYTHING BESIDES WAR AND ABSTINENCE FUNDING IS PORK bwap bwap bwap MUSLIMS AND LIBERALS AND QUEERS OH MY bwap bwap bwap”

You’ve just heard the Republican voice! You can now carry on with your sane policy making.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I realized last night that I started this blog at the worst possible time.

You see, the culture wars are my bread and butter. I probably should have started this blog around 2004-ish, when the opinion pages were buzzing about gay marriage and Ten Commandments plaques and all sorts of crazy stuff.

But nope, I had to wait until the tail-end of the Bush administration, and now that the furor of “OMG BLACK MUSLIM PRESIDENT” is wearing thin, everyone’s talking about economics.

Unfortunately for you, dear readers, I know as much about money as a dog knows about standardized English.

Of course, a dog knows some words; like “walk”, “no”, and “food”. Likewise, I know that corporations aren’t human beings, that it’s kind of stupid to tax people in an inversely proportional way to their wealth, and that the “Going Galt” people are not visionary hard-working assholes, but mere assholes.

On a day like today I can't offer much in the way of commentary besides "Dan Walters wrote this, and this guy's supporting The Douchey Professor, and that's all you need to know." Sorry, folks. The day will come when someone will start writing about Noah’s Ark in Turkey and the wholesome goodness of the Confederate flag again.

When that day comes, I WILL BE THERE.

Try the Intertubes!

Do you think that Douglas K. Tope is trying to subtly accuse Obama of being a Kenyan Muslim born in India? Or is he sincere?

I take issue with the commentator's charge of "LOL computer illiteracy". There's a chance he wants a fresh voice we haven't heard before; a local soul who has memories that can't be found on your fancy Wikipedias and your Googles and such.

Or he may just be some clueless old-fashioned gomer after all. I dunno.