Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Boobies!: The Holy Grail of Joplin Globe Madness

Gather round, wee ones, and let ol' Cap'n Kaje tell you a tale.

Ol' Kaje is a crusty old sailor, with all the vitamin C deficiency that that entails. Ever since the Bush first ascended to the throne, I have spent many a morn' pouring over letters that would make a normal civilain dash their heads upon the rocks. I could take any letter tossed my way.

But one day, I met my match. I found a letter that was so horrible, so screwed up, so mad, that I reeled. This isn't hyperbole; I literally teetered a little bit and almost fell over. I'm assuming that's what "reeling" means. Ol' Kaje is a crusty old sailor with a healthy disdain for dictionaries and pronoun agreement.

This was the Holy Grail of stupid Globe letters...and it was similarly lost to the sands of time.


Do you DARE to brave the gaping maw of madness?

Then read on to face this gem from October 21, 2005...


To this day, Ol' Kaje is still not entirely convinced that it's not a joke. Part of me, the beleaguered part of me that copes with this cruel universe day in and day out with no relief, wishes it is a joke. But then, that's not the the part of me that reads the Globe every day and reposts stupid letters on the internet. That part is Ol' Kaje.

In the eyes of this crusty ol' sailor, she even dwarfed efforts of Rita Crowell, who blamed breast cancer on abortion years later. I didn't even NOTICE it when it was first published (thanks to my secret contact Cletus Van Damme for the heads up, btw); I imagine that every time I saw a Globean letter regarding breast cancer, I thought back to the beast of yore. My eyes would gloss over, pining for the fish that got away, and I would curl up in a ball of self pity and bad memories.

But it's here now, on display for future generations to come. Let it be known that "Poor Illustration" is the MADDEST LETTER EVER WRITTEN TO THE GLOBE, EVER.



I'm not making a new post for today's letter, because a) Peggy should remain at the top for awhile and b) today's letter is in the same spirit. I can forgive this writer because he's young, has obviously been raised in a Southwest Missouri "SEX IS THE WRONGEST THING IN THE WORLD" environment and doesn't know any better. Hopefully he'll grow up, stop the self-righteous obsession over other people's sexuality, and develop a healthier attitude toward sex.

We don't need any more Peggy Ellis clones, Zak. My advice to you? Ditch the ab-ed instructor. They're lying holier-than-thou psychos. It's not that hard to be celibate if that's what you want, and you don't need the "help" of said lying holier-than-thou psychos. Hell, a normal run-of-the-mill sexologist can advise you about abstinence without telling you that condoms don't prevent HIV transmission, that women who have abortions get breast cancer and that reading about that cancer will make you a big drooling pervert.



AAAUGH I broke my promise that I would never link to my blog in a Globe comment WHY DID I DO THAT!

Ok, no worries gang, I'll just put up this protective talisman to ward off evil troll spirits...

1 comment:

Zakk said...

Thank you sir. It has now been several months since I wrote that article, and I think it deserves an explanation. I went to a Catholic School, where I was editor and staff writer of our newspaper. The article i wanted to write had to do with treating homosexuals with the dignity they deserve. However, knowing that our principal would disapprove, I through out that article to write something I thought our principal would approve of, even though I don't necessarily agree with it. I am actually far more balanced than I seem to be in that particular writing.