Asterisk! Percent sign! Dollar sign! Pound sign!

C. Keith Sigler, being a typical dittohead, has no artistic talents besides Post-Cubist Whingeing and Interpretive Bullshittery. Therefore he has to farm his ideas out to others. Maybe Kelly will take up your offer, Sigmiester. Or that guy who does Mallard Fillmore, assuming he hasn't wrapped his car around a tree again and finally offed himself.

Also there was some more godbag bwaps, the latter of which is from Rita Crowell. She's pissing and moaning because (Catholic!) Mike Pound didn't speak of sainthood in a hushed reverential whisper. And because he used comic strip profanity.

Seriously. She was mortily offended by "*%$#".

I will pay $5 to anyone who successfully exposes her to this blogpost, including the following colorful string of profanity...

"&%$#!" "#$&!" "&#$%" "$*%#!"

See what I did there? "Colorful" profanity! Ho ho ho HTML formatting is a SCREAM.

...fuck.

Slacking off quite vigorously

I'm back at my undisclosed location with my craptacular NetZero connection. Huzzah. Let's see what I missed over the past few days, in no particular order.

-----------------------------------------

Rita Crowell ruins Christmas. Fuck.

-----------------------------------------

bwap bwap bwap baybees bwap bwap bwap Roman empire bwap bwap bwap ACLU

Also, Steve Goebel and Bill Hawkins did some random bwapping too. They're quite good at that. *

----------------------------------------

Linda Jackson is this season's first utterly deluded waste of oxygen and gasoline culture warrior to break out the War on Christmas meme. Indeed, Linda, let's be sure not to forget what this season is all about. I am, of course, talking about our Lord and Savior, George W. Bush.

---------------------------------------

[today]

These "emails" and texting whatzits are too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of the telephone!

[flashback to late 1800s]

Talking to someone over these "telephones" is too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of the telegraph!

[flashback to late 1790s]

These "telegraphs" are too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of the pen and parchment!

[flashback to whenever letter writing was invented]

This "letter writing" is too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of glyphs on stone!

[flashback]

These "glyphs" are too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of pictographs on cave walls!

[flashback]

These "pictographs" are too cold and impersonal! Bring me back the good ol' days of just talking to someone!

[flashback]

Grunt "talking" grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt! Grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt!

----------------------------------------

Anne Kettenbrink, did I tell you I want to have your babies? ANNE KETTENBRINK I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES.


*EDIT: I've received a question asking how to pronounce "bwap". It's supposed to rhyme with "hop". It's the sound of monotonous droning- picture muted trumpets and Charlie Brown specials.

Boobies!: The Holy Grail of Joplin Globe Madness

Gather round, wee ones, and let ol' Cap'n Kaje tell you a tale.

Ol' Kaje is a crusty old sailor, with all the vitamin C deficiency that that entails. Ever since the Bush first ascended to the throne, I have spent many a morn' pouring over letters that would make a normal civilain dash their heads upon the rocks. I could take any letter tossed my way.

But one day, I met my match. I found a letter that was so horrible, so screwed up, so mad, that I reeled. This isn't hyperbole; I literally teetered a little bit and almost fell over. I'm assuming that's what "reeling" means. Ol' Kaje is a crusty old sailor with a healthy disdain for dictionaries and pronoun agreement.

This was the Holy Grail of stupid Globe letters...and it was similarly lost to the sands of time.

UNTIL NOW.

Do you DARE to brave the gaping maw of madness?

Then read on to face this gem from October 21, 2005...

"POOR ILLUSTRATION" BY PEGGY ELLIS OF JOPLIN, MISSOURI!



To this day, Ol' Kaje is still not entirely convinced that it's not a joke. Part of me, the beleaguered part of me that copes with this cruel universe day in and day out with no relief, wishes it is a joke. But then, that's not the the part of me that reads the Globe every day and reposts stupid letters on the internet. That part is Ol' Kaje.

In the eyes of this crusty ol' sailor, she even dwarfed efforts of Rita Crowell, who blamed breast cancer on abortion years later. I didn't even NOTICE it when it was first published (thanks to my secret contact Cletus Van Damme for the heads up, btw); I imagine that every time I saw a Globean letter regarding breast cancer, I thought back to the beast of yore. My eyes would gloss over, pining for the fish that got away, and I would curl up in a ball of self pity and bad memories.

But it's here now, on display for future generations to come. Let it be known that "Poor Illustration" is the MADDEST LETTER EVER WRITTEN TO THE GLOBE, EVER.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

EDIT:

I'm not making a new post for today's letter, because a) Peggy should remain at the top for awhile and b) today's letter is in the same spirit. I can forgive this writer because he's young, has obviously been raised in a Southwest Missouri "SEX IS THE WRONGEST THING IN THE WORLD" environment and doesn't know any better. Hopefully he'll grow up, stop the self-righteous obsession over other people's sexuality, and develop a healthier attitude toward sex.

We don't need any more Peggy Ellis clones, Zak. My advice to you? Ditch the ab-ed instructor. They're lying holier-than-thou psychos. It's not that hard to be celibate if that's what you want, and you don't need the "help" of said lying holier-than-thou psychos. Hell, a normal run-of-the-mill sexologist can advise you about abstinence without telling you that condoms don't prevent HIV transmission, that women who have abortions get breast cancer and that reading about that cancer will make you a big drooling pervert.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EDIT AGAIN:

AAAUGH I broke my promise that I would never link to my blog in a Globe comment WHY DID I DO THAT!

Ok, no worries gang, I'll just put up this protective talisman to ward off evil troll spirits...

Frankenletter!

That's what crossed my mind when I read this letter by Jacqueline Camerer. The first paragraph is typical fundie wingnut "OBAMA IS AN UNAMERICAN MOOSLOOM FLAGBURNER PUPPYKICKER"; but then it segues into cynical centrist chastising of how only rich people have any real shot at the Presidency; finally winding down into leftist socialistic wealth distribution. And not "socialism" as in "secret codeword for anyone who threatens the status quo, especially black someones." I mean actual socialism.

It's like a typographic representation of a politcal spectrum rainbow. A very narrowly defined rainbow.

------------------------------------------------

Secret Word of the Day is "Clintonoid".

------------------------------------------------

Thanksgiving! Yay!

To hold you over after you've gorged on turkey, read this very rare left-leaning letter guilt-tripping you for doing so, complete with a comment section comprised entirely of negative comments.

Politics, religion- all small fry compared to diet choices.

--------------------------------

..."community activator"?

COMMENCE COMMUNITY ACTIVATING PROCEDURE. PLEASE STAND BY WHILE COMMUNITY IS BEING ACTIVATED.

"Post-racial" my lily white ass

I'm more reluctant to rain on somebody's flowery Obama-gasm than the vast majority of my state, but still...

Please stop saying that electing Obama means that suddenly we're this magical post-racial society. When racial disparities are eradicated in crime, income, death/abuse/harassment and education levels, I might consider it.

In the meantime, half of my immediate family are stocking up on weapons for fear of "black riots." There's about nine black people in our town. NINE. I think you can only muster a "scuffle" or a "fracas" with nine people. I'd seriously be more worried about them forming a new softball team than a riot.

-------------------

Ignoring the inherent "OMG HOMO RIOTS" funniness of this letter, I'm more amused by the fact that he felt the need to clarify the shorthand form of his name. Thanks, man! I honestly would have sprung for "Ya" or "Min" if he hadn't pointed it out.

--------------------

Hey FBI! Homeland Security! You reading this?

William Rozinek seems to be vaguely suggesting that he's thiiiiiiis close to taking drastic action against abortion. Uh oh. That usually means Not-At-All-Hypocritical Abortion Clinic Bombings/Murder/Terrorism. Keep a bead on this guy, folks. William Rozinek- the next Eric Rudolph?

He also claims to be able to hear the screams of a fetus. Dude must be crazy- but hey, if the little bastards* can sing, why not?

Also, Allen Shirley taints a perfectly valid argument** by virtue of him being a dipshit dittohead. I wouldn't be surprised if the last sentence was plagiarized straight from Michael Savage.

* going off on a tangent here...you ever notice that in pro-life fiction, the talking anthropomorphic fetus characters are almost always male? HOW 'BOUT DAT.

**somebody argued that canceling a paper subscription was extortion? I missed that. Assuming that was what the guy was arguing- I'll have to look him up.

BA DA BAP BA DAH, I'M LOVIN' IT (in the butt)

Oh, Rita Rita Rita RITA. You are a DELIGHT!

Suspiciously obsessive fixations on homosexuality? Check!

Scare quotes, plus general contempt for the proper usage of this much-beleaguered punctuation mark? Check!

Espousing yet another futile values-based boycott of an unstoppable corporate juggernaut? Check!

Hilarious holier-than-thou grandstanding and foaming nuttiness? Check check CHECK!

The only thing more delicious and heart-clogging than your letters would be a juicy McRib sammich. Mmmmm...McRib. I think I'll get over my irrational hatred of Micky D's and buy one right now.

-----------------------------------

Here comes the fallout

While there've been a few conservative post-election letters, they were but a mere trickle. Today marks the start of the full on downpour of bitterness and crazy. This'll either be really fun or really monotonous. I suspect the latter, so I'll be brief.

Joseph Yantis blames the McCain/Palin nominations on the liberal media. PARTY OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBLITY YOU GUYS.

Maurice Filson, among other things, pulls a Godwin. You know what pisses me off more than anything (right now at least)? It's 99.99999 percent certain that if this sonofabitch and all the other reactionary fuckwits like him lived in Germany at that time, they'd be the first ones turning their neighbors in to the authorities and signing their kids up for Hitler's Youth meetings. "Mismatched humankind." You're just a real paragon of humanitarianism, aren't you? You disingenuous fuckneck.

Pardon me, got serious and ranty for a second.

Poor guy got his yard sign stolen, too. Next thing you know, Democrats will be draping McCain signs onto bear cub corpses or hurling racial slurs or faking their own assaults or vandalizing entire vehicles or...oh wait...

That's exactly what MLK Jr. was talking about!

John Cragin is happy because now that there's a black president, white people are truly free.

Thank God almighty, we’re free at last! Yes! So-called “whites” are freed of guilt for the sins of our predecessors.

(that wasn't me being sarcastic, he actually says that.)

Also, judging by the fifth sentence, he's ready for a hermaphrodite black president.

I would much rather it had been another black man or woman or both.

He may be more open-minded then I give him credit for...or, maybe he's just an illiterate doofus.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

THAT'S OUR SECRET WORD OF THE DAY! [SCREAMS]

The secret word, of course, being "globean".

Seriously, folks, I'm going to use this word from now on. It's like Mr. Butler tailor made it just for me!

glo·be·an
n.

1. Of, relating to, or resembling the Joplin Globe.

2. One relating to, belonging to, or resembling the Joplin Globe.

IT'S A WORD NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS!

I snorted elitist-ickily (another new word!) at this-

[Joe Biden]'s the dumbest senator to ever run for vice president. I wonder if he can even spell potato.

-but then I realized that Dan Quayle was originally not in the Senate but in the House. Sneaky, Butler. I imagine the editing process went like this when Butler was writing-"He's the dumbest politician (oh crap Palin) Congressman (oh crap Quayle) senator to ever run..."

Nice attempt at a save, dude, but you completly forgot Ted Stevens. D'OH WHAT AM I SAYING TED STEVENS NEVER RAN FOR VICE PRESIDENT!

Merry Electionmas!

Hope you all voted. My sincerest condolences to my Republican readers. All one of ya.

Maybe it's because I'm tired...

...but I don't understand what the fuck the first paragraph has to do with the rest of the letter.

Bill Hawkins, you are no Steve Goebel, but you're getting there.

Reason is not your forte, my sweet.

Dear Ms. Thomas;

It has come to our attention that, within a published letter critical of Barack HUSSIEN Obama, you postulated that the senator is a funny-named Arab that wants to kill white babies. While we appreciate your campaigning on our behalf, we find that your methods are outdated and not in line with group policy.

We mostly have an issue with your lack of subtlety. You openly state that Obama wants to destroy the white race. We here at The Legion of Idiotic Paranoid Racist Dillweeds find this to be too "on-the-nose", as it were. This repels potential allies from our cause.

We realize that you, like most of our members, have the intelligence of an overripe and very angry little eggplant. Therefore, we have taken the liberty of providing you with some talking points that convey the message without being so bare-assed about it.

*Instead of pointing that his name is Arab, simply insist on including his middle name whenever you address him. If that's too subtle for your intended audience, try emphaisizing his middle name with all caps. Note the example above.

*Try your best to disguise the real reason why you are opposed to family planning. We realize that our main concern is preserving the privileges of the Master Race (along with those of the Master Sex of that race) but racist social Darwinism is frowned upon and reflects poorly on us. Tell yourself and others that you care about BABIES, and nothing but BABIES.

We hope you keep these tips in mind when the time comes to write a letter bemoaning America's new president. Remember, we here at Legion of Idiotic Paranoid Racist Dillweeds appreciate you!

Sincerely,
The Legion of Idiotic Paranoid Racist Dillweeds

Way to Go, Globe

No, seriously. I mean that.

Also, less seriously: ha ha ha you got the name wrong on this letter.

One- Word Commentaries

Douchey!

Misanthropic!

Oppositeer!

Plagiarizing from Chain Letters!*

OBAMMUNISM!!!11!

*(I find the belief, that "one word commentaries" must be restricted to one word, to be elitist and un-American.)

I know there's some perfectly good stupid letters today...

...but I'm neglecting them to officially endorse Susan Golis.

STOP SAYING "KUDOS!"

Blech

I'm down with the sickness (WAH AH AH AH) right now, so I'll be brief.

Ray Downen is a psycho, and it's amusing. Bonus: he writes "pacifiers" instead of "pacifists." I have this mental image of Ghandi with a baby sucking on his head.

Also, the staff wrote about Bald Eagles. Uh oh. $5 says that the comment box will have some pro-lifer type going "WTF YOU CAN'T KILL ENDANGERED BIRDS FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES BUT WOMEN CAN KILL THEIR BAYBEEZ WHY IS THAT?!? FUCKING LIBS!!!!" by morning.

EDIT: Sonsabitches totally let me down! They usually bring it up every single fucking time someone mentions the scarcity of Bald Eagles. I probably jinxed it by posting my prediction. "Hey Kaje" probably read it and was all like, "Hey! That, my good sir/ma'am, was my thunder you stole!"

I love Burney's Lament, though. Good one, my anonymous friend. I guess he or she gets my $5.

EDIT AGAIN: I totally forgot these!

Matt Blunt actually did something nice? Whoa! Of course I imagine if he were a Democrat, someone would scream "bwap bwap bwap language police bwap bwap bwap political correctness bwap bwap"- oh wait! Someone did anyway!

Also, did the title of this letter remind anyone else of Can't Hardly Wait? "You are all sheep! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

But if feminism sucks, why are you voting for a female politician?

You may have noticed that I've been neglecting election season letters (and every other kind of letter, for that matter, but forget about those for a second). That's because those letters are deluges of repetitive idiocy, the torrents of which erode even my hardy psychological exterior. For my health and sanity (coupled with work and apathy and such) I intended to wait until after Barack HUSSEIN Obama mops the floor with John SIDNEY McCain's stupid balding head to start posting again.

But Karen Clark cannot wait. Her letter is delicious; the kind of letter that spurred me to start this blog in the first place.




I'm so hyped up about it, I'm going to do a running commentary.

When Sarah Palin took little Trig into her arms and walked back and forth across the convention platform, she won the devotion of people who support life choices (I imagine the ones who value choices and life are predominantly voting O/B. She probably got them mixed up with "mindless biddies that can't handle anything less tame than an Anne Geddes photo or Beverly Hills Chihuahua." It's a common mistake for mindless biddies to make.) and pricked the dark part of the heart of America, the dark part that harbors abortion with all its pain and hatred for all those who desire to see loving nurture replace it.

"Loving nurture" in this context means women being treated like farm animals, women dying, an influx of unwanted people, and increased crime rates. But hey, that is the sacrifice we must make- otherwise you will have to live with THIS on your hands.

The radical feminists who got abortion legalized aren’t even charged the expense of emotional and mental counseling that is needed by many women who know they have made the wrong choice and cannot bear the guilt of taking a life.

I wonder how much counseling these women actually need. I also wonder how much of any emotional distress endured stems directly from psychotic control freaks constantly harassing and patronizing them.

They have been telling other women what they should think, feel, do and be since they got the headlines in the 1960s burning bras

(LOL WHUT?!?)

and chanting their power slogans. They shouted down and tried to intimidate all other voices, and got their way for a while.

The only ones who realized that women are actually autonomous people and fought the hardest for that fact to be recognized, are really bossing around the poor dears. Misogynist white dudes, Stepford wives and other ideological dinosaurs are the ones REALLY looking out for your freedom. War is Peace, doubleplusgood yadda yadda.

They have been indoctrinating women for generations and have lost all objectivity to the point of idiocy. (I’d rather be rescued by a woman (fire person) even if it meant being dragged by my feet because there is more oxygen near the floor, even though my head might be bumping down stairs.)

Karen Clark's idea of feminism- formulated after years of experience with those involved; or gained from an accumulation of throwaway lines from conservative windbags and lame "edgy" stand up comedians? Taking bets now.

Abortion is a monster that keeps on devouring and raking in millions of dollars ($500 dollars per procedure! I do believe that is one metric asston of cash! Especially by medical procedure standards!). It cannot be stopped.

Or can it?

(Nope- but it can be forced out of view into treacherous and unsanitary conditions!)

With the spotlight on unselfish love and devotion,

(Yes, with the spotlight on these unselfish *snrk* loving *snort* Repub- Republic- oh fuck I can't type it with a straight face YOU ARE A FUCKING RIOT)

maybe it can be. And that is what its proponents fear. Hatred and fear always bring bad judgment.

("Oh, before I forget let me remind you that Obama is a TERRORIST! A BLACK TERRORIST! HIS MIDDLE NAME IS HUSSEIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!")

Two candidates are pro-life. Two are pro-abortion. Will you choose the life platform or the death platform?

I'm voting for the pro-choice platform, you colluder piece of shit.

NOTE TO SELF : Never Name a Child "Rita".

I'm ducking in real quick just to share a little something.

Check out this column, written by the Globe staff, regarding Banned Book Week.

Nothing unusual, right? Blah blah blah censorship is bad let's stick it to those prudish dillweeds blah blah blah. Just celebrating one of the few American holidays (holiweeks?) that is totally pure in its intention and loved by everyone, amirite?

I am right. But that's not what I'm blogging about. I'm blogging about the comments.

Can you believe I had never heard even one peep in disapproval of Banned Book Week before? Usually book banning dweebs are all like "We're not in favor of book banning-- except in this ONE CASE" or more often "we're not banning books, it's the (other political side) that's doing it!"

For some reason they usually leave this holiweek alone. Now there's three people (in all seriousness) saying that book banning is GOOD, Banned Book Week is BAAAD.

Goddamn I hate these people.

MARRY ME ANNE KETTENBRINK

No letters today; I just wanted to share my newfound love with you.

Meet Anne Kettenbrink.

I was scoping for letters when I suddenly realized that there are other things to this "newspaper" racket other than funny papers and stupid letters. The headline screamed at me. "Bigfoot and other fake things?" It's a sad state of affairs, but with the media's (especially the Globe- ghost hunters anyone?) track record of peddling and humoring stupid bullshit, I was escatic to finally see a journalist say "You know what? This is stupid bullshit. And you should feel like a stupid, bullshitted person for even considering such a ludicrous notion". It's like finding an oasis in the desert.

And when I read the article, it was like finding not just an oasis, but an oasis full of hot naked people and pinball machines. For there is a goddess, a marvelously bitchy and opinionated diva, and her name is Anne Kettenbrink.

I combed some more articles. She also wrote this infamous column where she called people "morons" for voting the wrong way. She wrote a column asking people if they were too stupid to live. She has a vendetta against some dope who literally moved her cheese- she mentioned it in the previously mentioned column as well. Hell, she even apes Family Guy.

I apparently made a mistake when I assumed that the Globe staff were all a bunch of family newspaper dweebs, their most provocative columns bemusingly recounting their household gender dynamics; dynamics which differ little from your average crap sitcom. "HEY MY HUSBAND NEVER ASKS FOR DIRECTIONS!! AIN'T THAT JUST A KA-RAZY THING MEN DO?!? ALSO, WOMEN SHOP FOR CANDLES AND BASKETS AND HAVE VAGOOOOOS!!!!!"

Sorry, went off on a tangent there. Anyway, be on the lookout for that Anne character. Hopefully, she'll show up on this blog again.

Yes, Cindy, Stacy's mom does indeed have it going on.

Yeah, I haven't updated in over two months. Nobody told me that maintaining a blog was haaaaaaaaard.

It wasn't for lack of material. From good ol' Rita to Riley T. to the Douchey Professor (seriously, read his letter, it's one of the douchiest things ever published in the section) to AHHHH VEGGIE PIZZAS!

In the meantime, enjoy this hilarious pearl-clutching column by Cindy Sigler Dagnan. The best part----"I snorted Starbucks up my nose the other day when I caught the gist of a song whose words, I believe, included the phrase, “Stacy’s mom has got it goin’ on.” Well. Good for Stacy’s mom. Or is it? "

The Theory of Rita-tivity

Over the years I have read many of Rita Crowell’s letters to the editor, like the one printed today. I think now is the perfect time to unveil one of my pet theories of the universe, which I call the Theory of Rita-tivity.

This theoretical model hypothesizes that Rita Crowell's statements have the ability to alter reality itself, for it's the law of nature for her to be always wrong.

If she says that grass is green, it will sprout purple. If she refers to you as a “she”, check yourself - you probably have male genitalia now, even if you didn’t have any before. If she calls a cow a cow, it will magically transform into a vacuum cleaner. If she ever said "I am always wrong", the fabric of reality would totally unravel. (Right now I'm petitioning her to write a letter declaring that I do NOT have a suitcase full of 5 million dollars stashed under my bed. I'm hoping that she will say "no".)

If she were smart, she'd say "gay marriage is ok and not at all threatening to straight marriage and will one day be legal!", for it would immediately become untrue. Unless she’s actually a vigilant humanist, keeping reality in check with her actions. Maybe there’s a whole network of people with these powers, unceasingly proclaiming the opposite of things! Maybe they’re called “Oppositeers” and they all have wrist communicators and uniforms and laser guns and a secret satellite HQ high above the earth! And they greet each other by saying “Goodbye, hated enemy!”, because they do everything the opposite way. And they eat with their butts.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I only have two letters from Riley T. Jay in my data collection, but I’m starting to formulate a similar hypothesis. Hypothesis: Riley T. Jay always has screwed up priorities, and is often wrong. I need more data, however.

I also hypothesize that he is allergic to the word “Earth” and has to have someone else type it for him or else he breaks into hives.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mike Pound is all like HYUCK HYUCK WOMEN AND MEN ARE DIFFERENT HYUCK HYUCK. Next week’s topic: What's the Deal With Airline Food?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That one looks Jewish/ And that one’s a coon!/ Who let all this riffraff into the room?

Fri and Sat letters are up, and it looks like Privileged-Americans are fed up! With several things.

First, the Globe tells the tale of the official who referenced the KKK. Dude, the KKK isn’t the way to go. You have to be more subtle, like the much put-upon white folks featured below.



Paul Butler blames the historical illiteracy of America’s youth on multicultural studies. Apparently he has never gone to public school, especially around here. I can attest that we never ventured outside the U.S. unless absolutely necessary. The places where they teach stuff about Asian and African cultures are the places where the kids actually learn history. We basically learned 4th grade US government, and we re-learned it every grade. Of course, around here people are more interested in shooting squirrels with BB guns, so even that didn’t sink in for most of them.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Richard McClure thinks only straight white Christians should have a voice in a mainstream paper. Those people who point out racism are SO TERRIBLY RACIST, y’know?



Five bucks says that McClure is the kind of guy who sees something like BET or Women’s History Month and goes “How come we mainstream people don't have our own channel/month/newspaper/space? WE ARE SO PERSECUTED OMG REVERSE RACISM IS THE ONLY REAL RACISM PC POLICE EVERYWHERE AAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John Franz thinks everyone besides rich straight whites do not deserve to whine as much as he does.



My favorite part? “…my favorite minority, Caucasians”, which is where John slips up. You’re supposed to present yourself as the one true non-racist, unfairly persecuted by welfare queens and other racial rabble-rousers who discriminate against the noble white man.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Bill Hawkins puts scare quotes around “gay.” I imagine, like John Franz above, he wants to reclaim it. Have fun with that, you two gay old guys.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Where were you when the Maggie stopped turning on that September day?

Esther Berlanga-Ryan wants to make you cry today.



Esther, if you want to write for Chicken Soup for the Soul the Globe, I have some advice. Personally I find the last sentence kind of clashing with the rest. I can’t help but hear it in annoying little sister talk. “Guh! What did you THINK I was talking about! I mean seriously, DUH!”

Also, you forgot to include Jesus and/or a kid with cancer. We want to see some waterworks here, honey!

You’re well on your way to be a prolific glurge email writer. And to my trash folder where I keep all those emails.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I started reading this letter, I had my trigger finger on the comment button, ready to combat the Dipshit Pro-Life Woman Hater’s Club. I was chomping at the bit (literally- they make me wear this so I stop eating babies) to demolish this argument.



But then I noticed the name. Attaching that name to the end of the argument does all the work of debunking it for me.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have yet another tip to lower our nation’s gasoline consumption.



Kevin, STOP HUFFING IT SO MUCH.

Bible Quotes- UR DOIN' IT RONG

Look out, some villainous reporter caught wind of me. Go over there and take him out before it's too late! ( By "take him out", I mean "read his blog." Also "villainous" in this context means "swell." )

Mustn't forget the letters. Riley T. Jay writes in to remind us that whenever you buy recycled printer paper, you might as well erect a golden calf statue on your lawn.



I'm not convinced that them dirty hippie types (in this context, anyone who has ever thought "Hey, maybe dumping pig feces into the drinking water and converting entire states into landfills are not such bright ideas!") really value the environment over humanity. However, if they do, I know why- it's because dilweeds like Jay make the rest of us look bad. I know that after growing up surrounded by people like this guy, I'd much prefer the company of baby seals. I mean, seals are dumb, but they're supposed to be dumb. A seal's never going to imply that believing in heroes and causes instead of one random dope's personal idea of a deity is a bad thing to do.

Meanwhile, C. Keith Sigler is here to show us the ropes on the delicate art of Bible Quoting.



Remember folks, when you're cherry picking the Bible, you have to do it the RIGHT way. Some more tips from moi:

Tip 1: Don't refer to it as cherry picking. That's what your opponents do. You interpret.

Tip 2: Remember that our modern secular society is utterly inadequate to deal with moral issues. The Bible is the one true moral path...unless something doesn't sit well with your modern values. Then you can chuck it.

Tip 3: You can ignore pretty much everything from Leviticus. EXCEPT FOR THE PARTS REGARDING GAY HOMO QUEERMOSEXUALS. This is essential.

Tip 4: Just ignore the historical misogynistic/racist/otherwise horrible customs of the church justified by scripture- all those ancient Christians just read it wrong. You are much, much more enlightened than they were (but not in a nasty secular sense no no no)!!!!

Tip 5: At the end of your argument be sure to point out just how GOOD and RIGHTEOUS you are, because your opponent is OBVIOUSLY a BIG SMELLY FATHEAD but you forgive him and will pray for him anyway because you are JUST THAT DAMN RIGHTEOUS AND NICE AND CHRISTLIKE. Unlike stupid biased SMELLY McFATHEAD there.

Tune in next time for some more Bible Quotin' Tips!

You know, if you abandon logic, you'll find my logic sound.

Apologies for my laziness. Damn work getting in the way of my completely trivial and pointless hobbies!

A while ago, Chris Cook challenged gay marriage opponents to offer an argument that was neither religious nor otherwise idiotic. An impossible task, but they’re trying their best.


Huh, where to start where to start...

The first "point" (more like a rubber stopper) reminds me of Henry Ford, who once said regarding the Model T: "It's available in any color you want, as long as that color is black." Of course, Ford was joking. It wouldn't be the first time that conservatives based their beliefs on things that normal people would consider jokes.

The Anita Bryant thing is just fucking LAZY. Unless Keith lives in a swamp, what's stopping him from firing up Google and looking it up himself?

I love the last paragraph the best. “Ah HA! Watch as I devastate your argument by admitting that my worldview has no basis other than my interpetation of an ancient mythology! Suck on that, fagboy!”

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Meanwhile, I don’t know if this desperation-reeking letter is sad or funny.



On the one hand he’s clearly in a pitiful state of denial, grasping desperatly for straws. On the other hand…he’s clearly in a pitiful state of denial, grasping desperatly for straws. Plus the word “Iraqastan” is gold. I’m going for both sad and funny.

(As an aside, bugs would be a good resource if we ever get into a food crisis. There’s tons of the fuckers and I can attest that many are quite yummy. But I digress.)

WAIT! According to the comments, Mr. Udell was being sarcastic. D’oh! I hate it when that happens. I wonder if that includes the Limbaugh-esque “huh huh all Mooslooms are interchangeable” sentiment.
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Also, from yesterday, this guy knows how to handle the affairs of minorities better than the minorities in question.



HE IS NOT RACIST YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY.

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Love Me, I'm a Liberal Democrat!

Let's use our time travel powers to post Thursday letters!

You may have noticed that, more often than not, this blog focuses on conservative letters more than liberal letters. Four reasons:

1. The Globe gets more conservative letters, period. Therefore, the percentage of wingnuts is always going to be higher than moonbats.

2. Any leftwing letters the Globe gets are usually too tame, sane, well-written and all-around unremarkable for this blog. Alien abductees, Scientologists and 9/11 conspirators are few and far between.

3. Most stupid people are conservative. John Stuart Mill knew it, Colbert knows it, dogs know it. It's a fact of life.

4. It's my blog, I can post whatever I want, so nyeh.

Today, however, conservatives get a break. Let's have a look.

Let's start with this guy. He's a liberal- he says so in the first sentence! He also thinks we should declare war on the entire Middle East to get their oil.



Um.

Meanwhile, we have someone weighing in on the homeless controversy.* It's a typical "mean people suck" letter. These letters tend to be well-intended; but also preachy, cliched and overwrought.



Here's a fun drinking game: reread this letter and take one drink whenever the word "bigot" or any of its variants show up. Reread over and over until drunk. This is why we have thesauruses, people.


*For those not up to date, the City of Refuge is a religious organization that wants to build a homeless shelter in Joplin. Some people were all like, "Eww! Homeless people! Lowered property values!", and the other side was all like "Eww! Snotty heartless bigots!", and there was a small minority going "Eww! Evangelical vultures bribing people with basic necessities!" Most of these letters ended right before the blog started.

Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven. Also, heterosexual.

Ever since Eve plucked the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, every person in this world has been plagued with sin. All sins are equal in the eyes of the Lord, and the simple act of accepting Jesus Christ into your heart will absolve you. All sins can be forgiven, so sayeth the Lord.

Wait, did I say “all sins”? I’m sorry, I meant every sin except the gay buttsex.


I mean, seriously, YUCKIES.

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MEANWHILE



Steve Goebel’s brain poops on a piece of stationary; sends it to Globe.



Francis G. Bliss thinks that citizenship hinges on whether you have a gun or not. (Hey! That reminds me of Starship Troopers!) He also states that Sarah wasn't pandering to the media; then he goes on about how you HAVE to do goofy stunts to...pander to the media.

From this letter we can conclude that Steelman was not pandering to the media; she was just catering to their lower tastes and desires.




Finally, LOLWTF?

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Gloomy Sunday

Sunday letters are up, and all of them are too mellow and tame for this blog. Heck, this one writer actually made an effort to not include a bible quote! She did such a good job that I'm just going to pick on her argument in earnest.

This is probably one of the best (and few) secular arguments that homophobes have, which is why it's so often repeated. "Every ancient civilization that embraced the gays has DIED OUT!!!!"

Which is true. But so did the ancient civilizations that didn't. That's kind of why they're called "ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS".

I find it especially amusing when Christians use this argument in regards to Ancient Rome. Christians. Ancient Rome. Blaming it on something else. Lol.

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MEANWHILE

Aw man, I really don't want to pick on kids. Damn you Globe! THAT'S CHEATING! Ah well, their first editorial was well-argued and not insane, so my worries are probably for nothing.

Kudos

Susan Golis really, really does not like the word “kudos”.

Now she’s getting jumped on in the comments for wasting space that could have gone to more important topics; topics like “Did Jesus ride a Triceratops to school?” or “Bush did 9/11!” no doubt. However, I feel this is a much more stimulating topic. If you were a Language Nazi like Susie here, what words would be rounded up by your Language Gestapo?

My Top 10:

1. “Politically incorrect” and all variants thereof. It’s just a PC term for “reactionary asshole”. Whiny, snotty Archie Bunkers who feel their special privileges being rightfully stripped away and are sooooo offended.

2. “Multitasking”: Never liked this word, never will, and no I don’t have a reason. Just say “doing more than one thing at a time.”

3. “Activist judge”: Used exclusively by people who have no idea how government and judiciary works. Yeah, the judge declared that your stupid mob mentality wasn't gonna cut it. THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO DO, YOU STUPID FUCKERS. Go watch some Schoolhouse Rock, or take a sixth grade social studies class, and then get back with us.

4. “Vagina”: This one wouldn't be banned; however the proper usage would be strictly enforced. When most people say “vagina”, they mean “vulva”, which sounds sexier anyway besides being the accurate term.

5. “Ironic”: See “Vagina”.

6. “Emo:” Fine when used with actual emo things. However, when anyone is anything besides a bubbly or aggressive extrovert, they’re suddenly “emo”. I’m sorry, but actual emotions kind of predated your much-maligned subculture since THE DAWN OF HUMANITY.

7. “Empowered:” Similar to “multitasking”, no particular reasoning behind this. How about “I feel grrrrrrrrrreat!”, I feel inspired!”, “I feel like I can kick all kinds of ass!”, instead.

8. "Homemade:" Food companies use it all the time, and it's false advertising and annoying besides. Unless you have some squatters in your processing plant, or the manager of your fast food joint sleeps in a cot in the basement, it is not made in a home and is therefore not homemade. At the very least, use "homestyle" instead.

9. "Chiropractor:" Change to "Overpaid Quack Backcrackers". Or "Backquackers." Heh.

10. Any combination of "traditional" "family" and/or "values": Used almost exclusively, and thus perverted, by insecure, fun-ruining control freaks with effed up belief systems.

See? It’s not a waste of a topic at all! Kudos to Susan for bringing it up!

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UPDATE: Weekend letters are up, and they all suck so they're not being posted here. Bummer.

Ladies and Gentlemen, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRITA!

Glorious day! Rita Crowell, upon hearing my pleas for introductory material, sent us a two-pager! Now you know why I was pining so- no one can make a nutty letter quite like Rita. Sure, any dipshit godbag can buy an internet chain letter hook, line and sinker. However, it takes a special sort of insane to copy-paste it, sprinkle you own brand of nuttiness on it, and send it in for publishing.

(no picture yet, computer is being a d-bag)

Never stop, Rita. Every amero paid to read the Globe is worth it.

(FUN FACT: Some of the original ideas for this blog's name included "The Rita Filter" and "Friends of Rita". I finally decided that they were too vague for n00bs.)

JESUS CHRIST IT'S A BEAR GET IN THE CAR

The world is a frightening place. The economy is going belly up. Terrorists, extremists, criminals and perverts run wild in the world. The once great nation is losing its lauded title “Leader of the Free World” as other nations one-up it in civil rights, living standards and job opportunities. It's enough to send one to the edge of panicking.

Wait. Wait just one goddamned minute.

Did someone just say “BEARS”?



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH THE SIERRA CLUB IS BREEDING BEARS TO EAT US ALL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Fuck this shit. I'm moving to Antarctica.

ADAM AND EVE NOT ADAM AND STEVE

It's Friday, which means letters for the weekend are up too. HUZZAH.

Since Globe letters have a tendency to disappear after a time, I'm going to try taking screenshots of the more interesting ones (that fit on my screen, at least).


Ed Breen shares his thoughts on gay marriage. Like most homophobe letters, it's comprised mostly of "California is Evil", "The Majority Religion is SOOOO persecuted" and "Marriage is for Baybeez*". He gets bonus points for the phrase "out-of-country beings", which I don't think any English speaker has ever used ever. All in all, a delight to read. Keep on writing in, Ed.

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Meanwhile, Allan Shirley says that if it weren't for THEM DIRTY HIPPIES, we'd be diving in swimming pools of oil, Scrooge McDuck style. Never mind that any oil drilled in Alaska will go on the global market and thus out of the country. Never mind that if given the rights the oil company would probably just sit on it to increase demand. But who needs dumb trees and animals and stuff? My penis needs my SUV, and my SUV needs GAS.

Speaking of shrinkydink Republicans, why is Sarah Steelman acting like one? A move like that is straight out of Chapter One of Coping with Your Piggley-Wiggly Dick for Dummies. She's a girl, so she doesn't have a Republican micropenis that needs to be propped up with guns, huge vehicles, anti-abortion legislation and beating up queers. The Globe staff called it- it's her base whose fears need to be soothed. "See guys? I may have a vagina but I know how much you need to think that you're a straight shooter! IfyouknowwhatImean..."

*nevermind those heteros who can't or won't have children. Just ignore them.

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Try and figure out how many angels can dance on the head of a pin while you're at it.

If you're not from around here, you may not be aware that our region often ends up on the business end of Mother Nature's Whomping Stick, especially recently. It wasn't long after these storms that Jo Nell Thompson in with their half-assed Bible Study topic. "Does God Control the Weather?"

Today we have the second response letter. The "debate", as is usual of fundie debates, is tossing out bible quotes in lieu of evidence or even logic and hoping that no one notices. WELL I'M CONVINCED.

Anyway, they're all wrong. Pollatac the Destroyer controls the weather from his volcano home. He sends out Storm Harpies to random locations every evening, to express his displeasure with the human race. The Dark Tome of Pollatac is quite clear on this.

MEANWHILE - Bill Hawkins blames autism on our insular, fast food eating lifestyle. Well, at least he's not blaming vaccines or fluoride in the water. I hope that sentence illustrates the kind of scientific literacy to expect from these pages.

And...nothing.

So the first day out chronicling the Globe...and there's no new letters. Just the staff editorial. Lameness.

Instead let's look at the comment function, and complain about it. Pick an article and follow along!

Most other websites have the comments section below the article, or on another page, or if they're real obnoxious it opens up a new window. The Globe's site uses a tiny, near unnoticeable frame - less annoying than a pop-up, but only just.

Try and leave a comment on your article now. You notice there's a name and email field. Why there's an email field, I don't know. It's not required to post, and it doesn't show up anywhere if you do use it. It'd be nice to have the option of leaving contact info in case you're the kind of person who wants to hook up with rambling incoherent creationists. Also, you don't even have to use a name at all, or (since there's no way to distinguish different posters other than faith in human honesty) you can pretend to be someone else. Go on, put Leroy in the name field. We can never have too many Leroys.

Now send your comment and wait. Is it up yet? If it is, you've probably noticed that your lovingly rendered swath of poetry is now a hideous monolithic block of type. You've uncovered the most aggravating aspect of Globe comments. No formatting allowed.

No tabs. No double spacing. No italics or bold. Just a big nasty wall of text.

Now I'm no programming major, but surely they could tell the little goblins on the inside of the computer monitor to have a little more pride in their art. Unless that is the intent- incoherent design for incoherent comments. On a second look the hideous Block O' Text does nicely complement the Block o' Dumb.

Greetings, Friends of Rita

Does anyone even read the comics anymore? I know I do, but only on Sunday, and only the good ones*, which isn't very many. Hell, a lot of them are soulless husks written by committee, computer, or senile old cartoonists due to be replaced by computer committees. Those ones I skim just to enrage myself, which I'm wont to do.

The days have long passed since one could turn to the funnies for a smile. I found out, sometime way back in middle school, where the real laughs are held in your family newspaper.

That place is the Voices section. That wonderful, magical place; that wildlife reserve dedicated to preserve those most rare and beautiful of God's creatures - the Crazies, the Whiners, the Stupids. Look! To your far right, you'll see the dazzling plumage of the Rita Crowell, tinged with subtle shades of insanity and godbaggery. To your left you'll see a Northern Well-Intentioned Leftie, trying valiantly to teach pigs to sing. Oh no, a Leroy is attacking the boat AAAAAAHHHH

For too long I have kept my Globe mockings to myself- the time has come to share this gift with the world. Watch this space for prime nuttiness, my friends, and feel free to skip the funnies.


*which nowadays amounts to Lio. Man I love Lio. And that one that replaced Doonesbury with the girl and the horse is good sometimes.