Thanksgiving! Yay!

To hold you over after you've gorged on turkey, read this very rare left-leaning letter guilt-tripping you for doing so, complete with a comment section comprised entirely of negative comments.

Politics, religion- all small fry compared to diet choices.

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..."community activator"?

COMMENCE COMMUNITY ACTIVATING PROCEDURE. PLEASE STAND BY WHILE COMMUNITY IS BEING ACTIVATED.

"Post-racial" my lily white ass

I'm more reluctant to rain on somebody's flowery Obama-gasm than the vast majority of my state, but still...

Please stop saying that electing Obama means that suddenly we're this magical post-racial society. When racial disparities are eradicated in crime, income, death/abuse/harassment and education levels, I might consider it.

In the meantime, half of my immediate family are stocking up on weapons for fear of "black riots." There's about nine black people in our town. NINE. I think you can only muster a "scuffle" or a "fracas" with nine people. I'd seriously be more worried about them forming a new softball team than a riot.

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Ignoring the inherent "OMG HOMO RIOTS" funniness of this letter, I'm more amused by the fact that he felt the need to clarify the shorthand form of his name. Thanks, man! I honestly would have sprung for "Ya" or "Min" if he hadn't pointed it out.

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Hey FBI! Homeland Security! You reading this?

William Rozinek seems to be vaguely suggesting that he's thiiiiiiis close to taking drastic action against abortion. Uh oh. That usually means Not-At-All-Hypocritical Abortion Clinic Bombings/Murder/Terrorism. Keep a bead on this guy, folks. William Rozinek- the next Eric Rudolph?

He also claims to be able to hear the screams of a fetus. Dude must be crazy- but hey, if the little bastards* can sing, why not?

Also, Allen Shirley taints a perfectly valid argument** by virtue of him being a dipshit dittohead. I wouldn't be surprised if the last sentence was plagiarized straight from Michael Savage.

* going off on a tangent here...you ever notice that in pro-life fiction, the talking anthropomorphic fetus characters are almost always male? HOW 'BOUT DAT.

**somebody argued that canceling a paper subscription was extortion? I missed that. Assuming that was what the guy was arguing- I'll have to look him up.

BA DA BAP BA DAH, I'M LOVIN' IT (in the butt)

Oh, Rita Rita Rita RITA. You are a DELIGHT!

Suspiciously obsessive fixations on homosexuality? Check!

Scare quotes, plus general contempt for the proper usage of this much-beleaguered punctuation mark? Check!

Espousing yet another futile values-based boycott of an unstoppable corporate juggernaut? Check!

Hilarious holier-than-thou grandstanding and foaming nuttiness? Check check CHECK!

The only thing more delicious and heart-clogging than your letters would be a juicy McRib sammich. Mmmmm...McRib. I think I'll get over my irrational hatred of Micky D's and buy one right now.

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Here comes the fallout

While there've been a few conservative post-election letters, they were but a mere trickle. Today marks the start of the full on downpour of bitterness and crazy. This'll either be really fun or really monotonous. I suspect the latter, so I'll be brief.

Joseph Yantis blames the McCain/Palin nominations on the liberal media. PARTY OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBLITY YOU GUYS.

Maurice Filson, among other things, pulls a Godwin. You know what pisses me off more than anything (right now at least)? It's 99.99999 percent certain that if this sonofabitch and all the other reactionary fuckwits like him lived in Germany at that time, they'd be the first ones turning their neighbors in to the authorities and signing their kids up for Hitler's Youth meetings. "Mismatched humankind." You're just a real paragon of humanitarianism, aren't you? You disingenuous fuckneck.

Pardon me, got serious and ranty for a second.

Poor guy got his yard sign stolen, too. Next thing you know, Democrats will be draping McCain signs onto bear cub corpses or hurling racial slurs or faking their own assaults or vandalizing entire vehicles or...oh wait...

That's exactly what MLK Jr. was talking about!

John Cragin is happy because now that there's a black president, white people are truly free.

Thank God almighty, we’re free at last! Yes! So-called “whites” are freed of guilt for the sins of our predecessors.

(that wasn't me being sarcastic, he actually says that.)

Also, judging by the fifth sentence, he's ready for a hermaphrodite black president.

I would much rather it had been another black man or woman or both.

He may be more open-minded then I give him credit for...or, maybe he's just an illiterate doofus.

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THAT'S OUR SECRET WORD OF THE DAY! [SCREAMS]

The secret word, of course, being "globean".

Seriously, folks, I'm going to use this word from now on. It's like Mr. Butler tailor made it just for me!

glo·be·an
n.

1. Of, relating to, or resembling the Joplin Globe.

2. One relating to, belonging to, or resembling the Joplin Globe.

IT'S A WORD NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS!

I snorted elitist-ickily (another new word!) at this-

[Joe Biden]'s the dumbest senator to ever run for vice president. I wonder if he can even spell potato.

-but then I realized that Dan Quayle was originally not in the Senate but in the House. Sneaky, Butler. I imagine the editing process went like this when Butler was writing-"He's the dumbest politician (oh crap Palin) Congressman (oh crap Quayle) senator to ever run..."

Nice attempt at a save, dude, but you completly forgot Ted Stevens. D'OH WHAT AM I SAYING TED STEVENS NEVER RAN FOR VICE PRESIDENT!

Merry Electionmas!

Hope you all voted. My sincerest condolences to my Republican readers. All one of ya.

Maybe it's because I'm tired...

...but I don't understand what the fuck the first paragraph has to do with the rest of the letter.

Bill Hawkins, you are no Steve Goebel, but you're getting there.