New Globe Supplement: Profiles in Idiocy

I feel a little overwhelmed. When one looks at the contenders in the First Annual Peggies, you see a few gems scattered throughout the year. After those were wrapped up, the next year of Joplin Globe Madness began. But barely a month has passed, and already we may have enough material for next May.

Seriously, look at this shit. It's GOLD. Phyllis League thinks the ozone layer is mosquito netting and that holes are caused by rockets piercing it. And also the thrust of the rockets has a disastrous effect on the earth's axis. I imagine she also thinks that if we launch enough rockets, the earth will spin backward. Which, of course, causes time to run in reverse.

Meanwhile, I noticed that one of the Globe's online commentators got a writeup by Scott Meeker. Awesome.

You know who else owned a dog? Hitler, that's who!

Here's some Obama derangement for ya.

Good Lord, you mean to tell me that not only does Obama eat spicy mustard and bump people's fists, he has a DOG too? MY GOD WHAT IS THIS MONSTER WE'VE ELECTED?!?

I wasn't too helpful when I critiqued Garland's Tibet letter, but this guy's response is still pretty useless. "Who cares about your crap country? Our country is being run by a Democrat. A Democrat with a dog."

I didn’t even know you could do that…

What infuriates me the most about this letter isn’t its Paleolithic view of women, or the slight-of-hand contempt toward men as well (seriously kids, what do you care if your Daddy comes home in a casket?).

What offends me the most is the fact that it’s a rerun. This letter first ran (to my knowledge) when I was in high school. I know this because I had a response published under my real name. I basically just did a satire of her letter with burkas, kitchens, the whole works. Some people didn’t read her letter first and took mine as genuine. I will post proof as soon as I can dig it up again.

Claudia Owens, you colluder piece of crap, if you’re going to be a self-hating sell-out to the patriarchy, will you at least not be so fucking lazy as to reprint an old letter of yours? For fuck’s sake.

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By the by, I am now an elite member of the Joplin Freethinkers. Come meet up with us every Thursday in Ewert Park!

CHILDREEEEEN!!!!!

A woman named Zelma Shanks should not complain about tackiness. Seriously, I’ve seen less tacky names used by drag queens.

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Oh Dan Dan Dan Dan DAN. I like this guy more and more every time he writes. It’s like Steve Goebel and Rita Crowell totally porked and had a kid.

I don’t know which part I like best! “Intellectual marijuana?” “Bush‘s reasoned errors?” The fact that he actually uses Dijongate even after every other right winger realized it was too stupid and embarrassing to use?

I know it’s early, but this has to be in next year’s Peggies. Unless he tops himself.

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So James Wheeler says that gays shouldn’t have marriage rights because marriage is important to raising children.

“But wait! Not only is marriage being essential to a healthy child not really true, and not only do many straight couples not have children, but gays can adopt kids as well- so they can get married, right?”

"No!", says Wheeler, "If too many people get married than they’ll be leeches on society! Our culture feels entitled to government perks, when they should be self-reliant! Bootstraps!"

"OK, so if you’re all about self-reliance, then maybe the government should get out of marriage completely? Let that be handled by the churches and the families!"

"No!" says Wheeler, "If that happens, then…children, y’know? Children!!! I HAVE A LOGICAL SECULAR ARGUMENT AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE!!!!!!!"

Envelope Please!

You voted in masse (all seven of you) in the Peggies, and now let your voices be heard!

Best Frequent Letter Writer- With 83% of the vote, it's Rita Crowell in a landslide. Was there really any doubt? Riley T. garnered a distant second with only one vote.

Best Guest Column- This was a tight heat, but apparently more people got their handles cranked by the Douchey Professor than Cindy. She doesn't mind- she's far too modest for that.

Best Letter- Another landslide, Carol "maybe the Obama ate your baby" Thomas walked away with 80% of the vote. Karen Clark got only one vote, alas.

I just noticed that all the people I voted for, lost. Bummer.

Congrats to all the winners, piss on all the losers!

Wait...Free Who Now?

I honestly don't know where I stand on the whole Free Tibet thing, as both parties sound pretty unsavory. This letter doesn't help. Drashi says Tibet should be free. OK. Then he says that it wasn't a peaceful utopia. All right, a caveat's fine, go for it. He then proceeds to make the old Tibet sound like an absolute oppressive shithole. Then he abruptly adds

Thanks for reminding your readers of the need for a free Tibet.

Um...dude? When you add a caveat like that you're supposed to bounce back up with some positive things to say. Otherwise it makes us wonder why Tibetan citizens should be free from the murderous Chinese so they can go back to murdering each other in holy wars. I guess he just trusted that everyone read and remembered the original Globe article, which may or may not have listed good things. Honestly? I don't remember reading it.

Meanwhile, Riley T's last letter was so nice he said it twice! He says that without "loving ourselves" (i.e. capitalism NOT MASTURBATION YOU GODLESS PERVERT SICKOSEXUALS), the commandment “love our neighbor as we love ourselves” is completely useless.

Course, it's useless without the first half too, but hey!


Finally, I more or less agree with the following letter, (hey fuck you! I like trees!) but the use of the word "mutilate" kind of rubs me the wrong way.

I also like how in the last sentence she reveals she doesn't care so much about trees as much as HER trees, specifically. Fuck those other trees in other, less eco-friendly towns!

Bwap.

Bwap bwap bwap.

Fun fact: They took out the part where I asked the torture people if it's a good idea to racially profile middle-aged white guys now; also "All this with the equivalent of a mere college hazing prank! You want to fight terrorism don't you?" I think it detracts from the argument's impact; but I'm no editor and I probably just typed too damn much.

I was also instructed by the guy who received my letter to plug the blog in the comments, so if any newbies are reading, hey! How ya doing? If you never read this thing again at least vote in the polls situated to your left! Read this to get acquainted with the nominees.

EDIT: This is the greatest comment ever. (bolding mine)

1concerned1 writes:
Only a fool would use this premise as an argument regarding so called torture. Anti-choice? What choice does the fetus have? Might you consider it to be torture sticking a needle into the brain of that fetus to suck it's brains out? You are tying to do the same thing that pro death, abortionists are already using. Sweet sounding titles..Pro choice my butt. Pehaps your mother shoud aborted you, you sick twisted fool!

6. PROFIT!!!

Remember, the Peggy Award polls have four days left! Go vote or I'll have a celebrity belittle you with some hip freestyle verse.

Hey look! I reduced Karen Strange’s letter to its original form letter format~

“One has to wonder how many of those in the coalition fighting against [evil means of production] have [aforementioned products that don‘t have to be produced that way but dominate the market so you don‘t really have another choice unless you‘re super rich or abstain completely]

[“Lagoons of pig feces, animal abuse and antibiotic doping are good things argument” goes here]

[Folksy closer]”

On an inquiring note, why do spokespeople for organizations list their affiliation when they write these letters? I assume it’s a law or something, because who’s going to believe you’re not advancing that cause for a paycheck?

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Dude, Ethan Beaver (hee!) did NOT just compare the non-homophobic to Nazis.

I will copy/paste my comment there, here.

Social conservatives who compare the minorities they despise to the perpetrators of the Holocaust ought to be ashamed of themselves. Do you really see yourself as someone rebelling against persecution of gays, Jews and non-whites? Let's face it-- you would be the first cheering governmental discrimination against anyone that isn't you. Actually, I take that back-- you ARE the ones cheering for it RIGHT NOW.

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The funniest thing about Randy Brown’s letter is that most of his “radical liberal talking points” are actually good ideas. Hey, did you hear about that museum shooting today? Why would anyone want that guy unarmed?

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“Hmm", Riley T. asks, "is it selfish to be a capitalist? I will use LOGIC to figure this out!

1. I am Christian.

2. Christians are not selfish.

3. I also really like money.

4.Capitalism gets me money.

5. Since I am not selfish and I like capitalism, we can conclude that capitalism is not selfish.

Also, being a meat puppet of a Sky Fairy makes you a responsible person, while being your own person is irresponsible and foolish and smelly.

God! I love logic!”

Post Philosopher

I may have lumped Dan Walters in a twofer on the Best Frequent Letter Writers Poll (which may I remind you, is on the left side of your screen and is just aching for your vote). However, with every letter he writes I suspect that he deserves to be in a class all his own.

Bible quotes? Check. Creepy obsession with breeding and overpopulating the place? Check. “Political correctness?” Check. Homophobia and anti-feminism? Check. Preaching Biblical values while simultaneously lauding capitalism? Check.

If you haven’t voted yet, don’t be afraid to cast Dan a vote (if you so desire)! We have faith in you now, Dan!

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Of course, you can also vote for Jim Keener. $5 says that Jim Keener’s “old philosopher” doesn't really exist. Philosophers, as a general rule, are not concerned about "post turtles". They're probably more concerned about "sky turtles."

That was a long way to go for a historical reference disguised as a joke.

Long story short-- no philosopher worth his salt would be peddling email forward "folksy wisdom" as a point to ponder.

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Meanwhile, Bill Hicks once credited good music to drug use. What do you get without recreational drug use? Wal-Mart music.

C. Keith Sigler is in the Guest Column poll, by the way. Vote!

Jekyll and...Spiering?

Another badly timed letter. Whoops! Deborah White lays it down: the Bible says abortion is wrong!* But there's one minor flaw in her argument, and it's revealed in the first comment:

SuperDuperPatriot writes:
But I don't care what it says in the Bible.

That cracks me up. Kudos to SDP!
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Mild-mannered Wendall Lewis writes a letter to the Globe. Little does he realize that his irrational reptilian hindbrain, which takes over his body by night and goes by the name Dave Spiering, does the same thing.

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This letter by Naomi Hutchinson, where she whines about restaurants these days (what with their baggy pants and the rap music!), infuriates me. For two reasons:

1. She is complaining about a bad experience at a certain restaurant, but she never mentions the name of it so other hapless diners won't make the same mistake!

2. She mentions a restaurant that employs immodestly dressed waitstaff, but she never mentions the name of it so we know where to go other hapless diners won't make the same mistake!

Also note the first sentence. "Not a complainer?" YES YOU ARE. This is the Opinion pages, that's what you do, that's what you are doing right now.

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Two trains of thought have been flittering around in my brain since Sunday. One concerns Dr. Tiller and the pro-life movement that killed him. Another is the torture apologist argument that goes "It's OK to torture because OMG beheadings 9/11 ticking time bomb TERRORISTS!!!111!!!", like the one printed in the last post. These thoughts cross paths.

Let's stop beating around the bush: Scott Roeder and all the other pro-lifers that have killed doctors, bombed clinics and threatened patients? They're terrorists. Using violence against civilians to obtain political or religious goals? Yep, that's terrorism--the dictionary definition!

My query to the torture apologists is this: since these guys associate with terrorists, are we justified in waterboarding them? Can we racially profile middle aged white guys? Who knows, we may be able to prevent another terrorist attack! All this with the so-called equivalent of a college hazing prank! You want to stop terrorism, right?

What's that? You're not so eager about waterboarding now? Huh.

*Again, ignoring Exodus 21:22