Monday, June 30, 2008

The Theory of Rita-tivity

Over the years I have read many of Rita Crowell’s letters to the editor, like the one printed today. I think now is the perfect time to unveil one of my pet theories of the universe, which I call the Theory of Rita-tivity.

This theoretical model hypothesizes that Rita Crowell's statements have the ability to alter reality itself, for it's the law of nature for her to be always wrong.

If she says that grass is green, it will sprout purple. If she refers to you as a “she”, check yourself - you probably have male genitalia now, even if you didn’t have any before. If she calls a cow a cow, it will magically transform into a vacuum cleaner. If she ever said "I am always wrong", the fabric of reality would totally unravel. (Right now I'm petitioning her to write a letter declaring that I do NOT have a suitcase full of 5 million dollars stashed under my bed. I'm hoping that she will say "no".)

If she were smart, she'd say "gay marriage is ok and not at all threatening to straight marriage and will one day be legal!", for it would immediately become untrue. Unless she’s actually a vigilant humanist, keeping reality in check with her actions. Maybe there’s a whole network of people with these powers, unceasingly proclaiming the opposite of things! Maybe they’re called “Oppositeers” and they all have wrist communicators and uniforms and laser guns and a secret satellite HQ high above the earth! And they greet each other by saying “Goodbye, hated enemy!”, because they do everything the opposite way. And they eat with their butts.


I only have two letters from Riley T. Jay in my data collection, but I’m starting to formulate a similar hypothesis. Hypothesis: Riley T. Jay always has screwed up priorities, and is often wrong. I need more data, however.

I also hypothesize that he is allergic to the word “Earth” and has to have someone else type it for him or else he breaks into hives.

Mike Pound is all like HYUCK HYUCK WOMEN AND MEN ARE DIFFERENT HYUCK HYUCK. Next week’s topic: What's the Deal With Airline Food?


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