JGM has moved or ceased to exist, we do not know yet!

Here's my new blog. Moving to the Globe blogs, hopefully.

Also hopefully! They may consider letting me do a tamer, more paper friendly edition of Joplin Globe Madness. We shall see.

If Joplin Globe Madness is done, thanks for reading! If it isn't, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT READING IT?

New Globe Supplement: Profiles in Idiocy

I feel a little overwhelmed. When one looks at the contenders in the First Annual Peggies, you see a few gems scattered throughout the year. After those were wrapped up, the next year of Joplin Globe Madness began. But barely a month has passed, and already we may have enough material for next May.

Seriously, look at this shit. It's GOLD. Phyllis League thinks the ozone layer is mosquito netting and that holes are caused by rockets piercing it. And also the thrust of the rockets has a disastrous effect on the earth's axis. I imagine she also thinks that if we launch enough rockets, the earth will spin backward. Which, of course, causes time to run in reverse.

Meanwhile, I noticed that one of the Globe's online commentators got a writeup by Scott Meeker. Awesome.

You know who else owned a dog? Hitler, that's who!

Here's some Obama derangement for ya.

Good Lord, you mean to tell me that not only does Obama eat spicy mustard and bump people's fists, he has a DOG too? MY GOD WHAT IS THIS MONSTER WE'VE ELECTED?!?

I wasn't too helpful when I critiqued Garland's Tibet letter, but this guy's response is still pretty useless. "Who cares about your crap country? Our country is being run by a Democrat. A Democrat with a dog."

I didn’t even know you could do that…

What infuriates me the most about this letter isn’t its Paleolithic view of women, or the slight-of-hand contempt toward men as well (seriously kids, what do you care if your Daddy comes home in a casket?).

What offends me the most is the fact that it’s a rerun. This letter first ran (to my knowledge) when I was in high school. I know this because I had a response published under my real name. I basically just did a satire of her letter with burkas, kitchens, the whole works. Some people didn’t read her letter first and took mine as genuine. I will post proof as soon as I can dig it up again.

Claudia Owens, you colluder piece of crap, if you’re going to be a self-hating sell-out to the patriarchy, will you at least not be so fucking lazy as to reprint an old letter of yours? For fuck’s sake.

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By the by, I am now an elite member of the Joplin Freethinkers. Come meet up with us every Thursday in Ewert Park!

CHILDREEEEEN!!!!!

A woman named Zelma Shanks should not complain about tackiness. Seriously, I’ve seen less tacky names used by drag queens.

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Oh Dan Dan Dan Dan DAN. I like this guy more and more every time he writes. It’s like Steve Goebel and Rita Crowell totally porked and had a kid.

I don’t know which part I like best! “Intellectual marijuana?” “Bush‘s reasoned errors?” The fact that he actually uses Dijongate even after every other right winger realized it was too stupid and embarrassing to use?

I know it’s early, but this has to be in next year’s Peggies. Unless he tops himself.

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So James Wheeler says that gays shouldn’t have marriage rights because marriage is important to raising children.

“But wait! Not only is marriage being essential to a healthy child not really true, and not only do many straight couples not have children, but gays can adopt kids as well- so they can get married, right?”

"No!", says Wheeler, "If too many people get married than they’ll be leeches on society! Our culture feels entitled to government perks, when they should be self-reliant! Bootstraps!"

"OK, so if you’re all about self-reliance, then maybe the government should get out of marriage completely? Let that be handled by the churches and the families!"

"No!" says Wheeler, "If that happens, then…children, y’know? Children!!! I HAVE A LOGICAL SECULAR ARGUMENT AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE!!!!!!!"

Envelope Please!

You voted in masse (all seven of you) in the Peggies, and now let your voices be heard!

Best Frequent Letter Writer- With 83% of the vote, it's Rita Crowell in a landslide. Was there really any doubt? Riley T. garnered a distant second with only one vote.

Best Guest Column- This was a tight heat, but apparently more people got their handles cranked by the Douchey Professor than Cindy. She doesn't mind- she's far too modest for that.

Best Letter- Another landslide, Carol "maybe the Obama ate your baby" Thomas walked away with 80% of the vote. Karen Clark got only one vote, alas.

I just noticed that all the people I voted for, lost. Bummer.

Congrats to all the winners, piss on all the losers!

Wait...Free Who Now?

I honestly don't know where I stand on the whole Free Tibet thing, as both parties sound pretty unsavory. This letter doesn't help. Drashi says Tibet should be free. OK. Then he says that it wasn't a peaceful utopia. All right, a caveat's fine, go for it. He then proceeds to make the old Tibet sound like an absolute oppressive shithole. Then he abruptly adds

Thanks for reminding your readers of the need for a free Tibet.

Um...dude? When you add a caveat like that you're supposed to bounce back up with some positive things to say. Otherwise it makes us wonder why Tibetan citizens should be free from the murderous Chinese so they can go back to murdering each other in holy wars. I guess he just trusted that everyone read and remembered the original Globe article, which may or may not have listed good things. Honestly? I don't remember reading it.

Meanwhile, Riley T's last letter was so nice he said it twice! He says that without "loving ourselves" (i.e. capitalism NOT MASTURBATION YOU GODLESS PERVERT SICKOSEXUALS), the commandment “love our neighbor as we love ourselves” is completely useless.

Course, it's useless without the first half too, but hey!


Finally, I more or less agree with the following letter, (hey fuck you! I like trees!) but the use of the word "mutilate" kind of rubs me the wrong way.

I also like how in the last sentence she reveals she doesn't care so much about trees as much as HER trees, specifically. Fuck those other trees in other, less eco-friendly towns!

Bwap.

Bwap bwap bwap.

Fun fact: They took out the part where I asked the torture people if it's a good idea to racially profile middle-aged white guys now; also "All this with the equivalent of a mere college hazing prank! You want to fight terrorism don't you?" I think it detracts from the argument's impact; but I'm no editor and I probably just typed too damn much.

I was also instructed by the guy who received my letter to plug the blog in the comments, so if any newbies are reading, hey! How ya doing? If you never read this thing again at least vote in the polls situated to your left! Read this to get acquainted with the nominees.

EDIT: This is the greatest comment ever. (bolding mine)

1concerned1 writes:
Only a fool would use this premise as an argument regarding so called torture. Anti-choice? What choice does the fetus have? Might you consider it to be torture sticking a needle into the brain of that fetus to suck it's brains out? You are tying to do the same thing that pro death, abortionists are already using. Sweet sounding titles..Pro choice my butt. Pehaps your mother shoud aborted you, you sick twisted fool!

6. PROFIT!!!

Remember, the Peggy Award polls have four days left! Go vote or I'll have a celebrity belittle you with some hip freestyle verse.

Hey look! I reduced Karen Strange’s letter to its original form letter format~

“One has to wonder how many of those in the coalition fighting against [evil means of production] have [aforementioned products that don‘t have to be produced that way but dominate the market so you don‘t really have another choice unless you‘re super rich or abstain completely]

[“Lagoons of pig feces, animal abuse and antibiotic doping are good things argument” goes here]

[Folksy closer]”

On an inquiring note, why do spokespeople for organizations list their affiliation when they write these letters? I assume it’s a law or something, because who’s going to believe you’re not advancing that cause for a paycheck?

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Dude, Ethan Beaver (hee!) did NOT just compare the non-homophobic to Nazis.

I will copy/paste my comment there, here.

Social conservatives who compare the minorities they despise to the perpetrators of the Holocaust ought to be ashamed of themselves. Do you really see yourself as someone rebelling against persecution of gays, Jews and non-whites? Let's face it-- you would be the first cheering governmental discrimination against anyone that isn't you. Actually, I take that back-- you ARE the ones cheering for it RIGHT NOW.

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The funniest thing about Randy Brown’s letter is that most of his “radical liberal talking points” are actually good ideas. Hey, did you hear about that museum shooting today? Why would anyone want that guy unarmed?

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“Hmm", Riley T. asks, "is it selfish to be a capitalist? I will use LOGIC to figure this out!

1. I am Christian.

2. Christians are not selfish.

3. I also really like money.

4.Capitalism gets me money.

5. Since I am not selfish and I like capitalism, we can conclude that capitalism is not selfish.

Also, being a meat puppet of a Sky Fairy makes you a responsible person, while being your own person is irresponsible and foolish and smelly.

God! I love logic!”

Post Philosopher

I may have lumped Dan Walters in a twofer on the Best Frequent Letter Writers Poll (which may I remind you, is on the left side of your screen and is just aching for your vote). However, with every letter he writes I suspect that he deserves to be in a class all his own.

Bible quotes? Check. Creepy obsession with breeding and overpopulating the place? Check. “Political correctness?” Check. Homophobia and anti-feminism? Check. Preaching Biblical values while simultaneously lauding capitalism? Check.

If you haven’t voted yet, don’t be afraid to cast Dan a vote (if you so desire)! We have faith in you now, Dan!

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Of course, you can also vote for Jim Keener. $5 says that Jim Keener’s “old philosopher” doesn't really exist. Philosophers, as a general rule, are not concerned about "post turtles". They're probably more concerned about "sky turtles."

That was a long way to go for a historical reference disguised as a joke.

Long story short-- no philosopher worth his salt would be peddling email forward "folksy wisdom" as a point to ponder.

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Meanwhile, Bill Hicks once credited good music to drug use. What do you get without recreational drug use? Wal-Mart music.

C. Keith Sigler is in the Guest Column poll, by the way. Vote!

Jekyll and...Spiering?

Another badly timed letter. Whoops! Deborah White lays it down: the Bible says abortion is wrong!* But there's one minor flaw in her argument, and it's revealed in the first comment:

SuperDuperPatriot writes:
But I don't care what it says in the Bible.

That cracks me up. Kudos to SDP!
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Mild-mannered Wendall Lewis writes a letter to the Globe. Little does he realize that his irrational reptilian hindbrain, which takes over his body by night and goes by the name Dave Spiering, does the same thing.

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This letter by Naomi Hutchinson, where she whines about restaurants these days (what with their baggy pants and the rap music!), infuriates me. For two reasons:

1. She is complaining about a bad experience at a certain restaurant, but she never mentions the name of it so other hapless diners won't make the same mistake!

2. She mentions a restaurant that employs immodestly dressed waitstaff, but she never mentions the name of it so we know where to go other hapless diners won't make the same mistake!

Also note the first sentence. "Not a complainer?" YES YOU ARE. This is the Opinion pages, that's what you do, that's what you are doing right now.

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Two trains of thought have been flittering around in my brain since Sunday. One concerns Dr. Tiller and the pro-life movement that killed him. Another is the torture apologist argument that goes "It's OK to torture because OMG beheadings 9/11 ticking time bomb TERRORISTS!!!111!!!", like the one printed in the last post. These thoughts cross paths.

Let's stop beating around the bush: Scott Roeder and all the other pro-lifers that have killed doctors, bombed clinics and threatened patients? They're terrorists. Using violence against civilians to obtain political or religious goals? Yep, that's terrorism--the dictionary definition!

My query to the torture apologists is this: since these guys associate with terrorists, are we justified in waterboarding them? Can we racially profile middle aged white guys? Who knows, we may be able to prevent another terrorist attack! All this with the so-called equivalent of a college hazing prank! You want to stop terrorism, right?

What's that? You're not so eager about waterboarding now? Huh.

*Again, ignoring Exodus 21:22

Worst Timing EVER, Hazel

Seriously.

I wonder if the women who benefited from Dr. Tiller's services appreciate being called heartless monsters? You know, the women who very much wanted a child but due to the cruel, mindless machinations of nature (dare I say, God?), were forced to terminate to save their lives?

Does the condition of heartlessness prevent someone from gunning a doctor down while he attends church with his friends and loved ones? If so, than Hazel Blakenship, eat my heart out.

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This letter's ok, but I have to ask, what's so "politically correct" about buying from thrift stores? When I think of those words I think of infuriated privileged man-children having to deal with people different than them; that or Captain Planet. When I think of thrift stores, I think of art students, hipsters, poor people and miserly frugal types.
Admittedly, those aren't No-Spin Zone White Dudes, so they may very well be PC. I guess everyone and everything that isn't, is.

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Torture apologists know that there was no excuse for what happened, so they have to make up imaginary what-if scenarios instead.

"I want you to imagine that you were sucked into a time vortex that sent you to the time your parents first met. Now there's another suitor vying for your mother's carnal affections; unfortunately the only person who knows the suitor's identity is an individual that belongs to a race of sentient Marsupial People. This individual also has a time machine, but only plans on using it to travel to the future to eat puppies. Knowing that this creature is not technically human and that if you fail to act you will never be conceived (and also countless litters of adorable Boston Terriers will be boiled and eaten), would you be so reluctant about waterboarding then? WOULD YOU?!?"

Dammit People!

Stop writing sensible letters. That is NOT how we do it.

Here, let Steve Goebel show you how it's done.

Happy One Year Blogiversary!

To celebrate, I’ve taken my personal favorite letters and letter writers from this year and narrowed them down to the best of the best.

It’s time for the First Annual Time Honored Joplin Globe Madness Awards-- the Peggies! Look to your left and let's look at the categories:

Best Frequent Letter Writer

Riley T. Jay -- He of the mixed up priorities.

Rita Crowell -- I seriously considered not nominating her; she has the unfair advantage in both the cuckoo-ness and the sheer volume of her letters.

Jim Keener --Token lefty, unless…

Steve Goebel --is one too. I think he is, but he never makes any goddamn sense so it’s hard to tell.

Dan Walters and Allen Shirley -- They’re being nominated together because they’re both interchangeable dittoheads.

Best Guest Column

Richard La Near: The Douchey Professor

Cindy Sigler Dagnan: "Stacy's mom had got it going on-- by 'it' I mean 'the destruction of American moral values'."

Paul K. Butler: "Boot camp is exactly like waterboarding!"

C. Keith Sigler: "You can't just quote from the Bible if you're going to quote the Bible."

Arthur L. Strobel: "Seriously? You have a chink holiday on the calendar?!?"

Best Letter

Alberta Anders: "There’s too much homosex on TV, so I’m going to stick with Ellen."

Carol Thomas: “Hide your white babies from Obama!”

Karen Clark: "The only women that deserve rights are Sarah Palin and me!

Burney Johnson: "Bear-A-Geddon!"

Verlin R. Snider: "My common ancestor was a clod of dirt."

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You can vote until the 15th. Let your voice be heard my friends!

Aryan Awareness Day

I know, I know, Germans aren’t really intolerant Nazis anymore. But seriously, look at this shit and tell me that wasn't the first thing you thought.

"One of the great strengths of the United States is from its diversity! Therefore, I propose we set a day aside to honor the most common variety of white person! Perhaps we can undo the harm done when we set aside calendar dates for squint-eyed chinks that can't even speak English. Do most Americans go around saying 'ching chong ding dong' and eating dog soup? I didn't think so. WHITE PRIDE!"

I mean seriously, what the fuck is up with that last paragraph?

The Ol' Switcheroo

Nobody believes in a god.

A man may say that a god created everything. In so saying, he forgets to mention what, or who, created the god.

Such a man may say that the god had always existed. By this statement, he is acknowledging that special creation is not necessary to set things in motion. Therefore, his insistence that everything has to have a creator is false even in his own worldview. Of course, this is not an actual natural phenomenon, this god. It is a giant bearded dude that lives up in the clouds and plants dinosaur fossils to fuck with people’s heads.

Whoever believes in an omnipotent sky patriarch smiting people for putting their wees-wees in the wrong place has serious issues. If a man is a product of an abusive, psychopathic specter that somehow always agrees with everything the believer thinks, then everything about him is avoiding anything that may challenge his worldview. His body, mind, all of his thoughts, words and actions are in submission to this phantom. He cannot of himself make any decision or intend or propose anything. He cannot do anything that intelligence does. Therefore, he has no intelligence.

If a man’s thoughts, words and actions are just parroting Sky Daddy, then that man cannot be held responsible for anything he does.

The figment of the imagination known as religion is simply irresponsibility in a thin disguise. It should not be taught to children or to anyone else.
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Suck on it, Burney. But I'm glad the bears didn't get you.

I'm out of town for the week. Stay vigilant!

WE MADE YOU. WE CAN DESTROY YOU.

That martyr of intellectual freedom, *snort* *chuckle* Miss California, is under attack, and leaping to her defense is this "people exercising their freedom of speech to criticize her are stifling her freedom of speech" letter by Randy Dale.

Let's see what we got here:

1. He's got lots of gay friends! Seriously!

2. Also, you gay folks apparently should be grateful to straight people, since they were so nice as to allow you to exist. The least you can do is let them deny you dignity and legal protections, and maybe let them beat a few of you folks to death with baseball bats every once in a while.

3. One man, one woman marriage (that's based on mutual attraction and not arranged as a business deal) is a "tradition as old as language and civilization"? LOL WHUT? (hint: the most traditional marriage throughout humanity's history would be one man, several women, and what most Americans think of as "traditional marriage" is a pretty recent invention.)

4. Last sentence: "If people like Paris Hilton had their way, we would be subjugated to a gay Taliban enforcing gay culture!" Double Globe score! Honestly, a gay Taliban sounds a million times better than the religous homobigot one we have now. Do we get fetching rainbow turbans?

Also, do you think he meant to say "Perez Hilton"? I like to think that he did.

Pass the Pabst Blue Ribbon, Riley T-Dog

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Never Mind the Never Mind

Darn it all, I‘m putting off my hiatus until after this post. I can’t stay away, not with these three doozies!

Francis G. Bliss tries to stir up taxpayer rage against imprisoning murderers for life. Never mind that the death penalty actually costs six times as much, or all that crap that that hippie Jesus said, but whatevs.



My favorite part is the last sentence. “Get some female pregnant?” Way to go out of your way to dehumanize women, dude.


Ed Goebel thinks that we don’t need animal abuse laws or other sorts of animal welfare because humans have a natural compassion for animals.

In the same breath he says that God made animals humanity’s meaty playthings. Hmm.

And finally, the jewel of the day’s harvest…Jim Keener, a 9/11 conspiracy dude!



You know how I can dismiss 9/11 conspirators out of hand? If it’s true that the Bush Administration planned the attacks, they probably would’ve grudgingly admitted it after some half-hearted denials. The Republicans would spin this into a good thing, and the Democrats and the media would roll over for them. The few non-sickos would’ve gotten upset, and this would be perceived as “whining” by the apathetic and the humanity-hating TV-sick jackoffs. Before you knew it you’d see bumper stickers that say “Fly A Plane Into A Skyscraper--It Pisses Off The Liberals!” (printed in a star spangled or rebel flag scheme of course) and absolutely nothing would be done.

Look at the past eight years and tell me that you can’t see that happening.

Anyway, I am going to get yelled at for posting again. I AM GOING ON HIATUS STARTING…NOW. FOR REAL-REAL THIS TIME.

Never Mind

Something has come up today. Now's as good a time as any to put the blog on an indefinite hiatus.
Will Joplin Globe Madness ever return?Hard to say. Time will tell.

Lay Off the Brown Sugar

The past few weeks or so I’ve been suffering a severe case of the fuck-its, compounded by my inexplicably weird-acting internet connection. Seriously, I’ve been trying to compose this post (links, Photobucket*, just logging into stupid Blogger) and it's taking nearly two and a half hours. I've got work in the morning people! When you factor in existential angst, it’s been hard to see why I should bother. However, after I read a doozy this evening, I decided I had to break my silence.

First, here’s one I missed: a hilariously racist pining for the good ole’ melting pot. A melting pot is fine, Gilbert Millner says, but only as long as the right races are added in the right amounts.

























He’s not racist! In fact, he’s three times as not-racist as your average racism-apologist---not only does he have black friends, but Asian and Hispanic ones too!


Flash forward to today. Peggy Ellis has apparently changed her name to Alberta Anders.






















Oh me oh my, where to start?

How about her belief that nudity and sex automatically equals immoral?

How about the fact that at one point she complains about homosexuality in one show, only to later consider switching from Oprah to Ellen? Ellen. I've never watched Brothers and Sisters, but it must have a whole lot of homosexual content to out-gay a show that’s hosted by an actual out lesbian.

How about the gut-busting phrase “the sex act”? Cripes, I can hear her saying that in my head! She sounds like my fourth grade choir teacher OH GOD I CANNOT UNHEAR IT PLEASE PLEASE SOMEBODY STOP THE HORRIBLE VOICE

*It is 12:45. I've been trying to log into Photobucket for an hour. For some reason it won't allow me to exit read-only mode. So fuck it- I'm not going to waste two more hours slogging through my shit connection making a shit new account on their shit website (despite already having an account there that worked perfectly fine before) to waste another two hours to upload two shit pictures. The shitty Blogger uploader is all we're getting.

Today Is Quotation Mark Abuse Awareness Day

A few days ago the Globe ran an editorial endorsing a need for better science education.

Today, Verlin R. Snider shows just how badly we need it.

Is there anything, anything at all, on this earth dumber than a creationist? They don't know anything about anything.

If the writer had followed his title “better” science, he could have set forth a basic flaw in society today. Indeed, we need “better” science — science based on facts, not theory.

THEORIES ARE INTEGRAL TO THE SCIENTIFIC PROCESS YOU SHIT FOR BRAINS. HAVE YOU EVER EVEN READ A FUCKING SCIENCE BOOK IN YOUR LIFE? DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO READ?!?

But, you know, maybe you have a point. How can any theory compete with the humbling and sensible logic of Magical Fruit and Talking Snake Theory?

One Sentence Wonders

I was checking the letters for something besides Snoresville local issues when I saw my name in a letter's one sentence preview description.

Johnny Kaje’s remarks (Globe, Feb. 28) stating that women do not have a soul gland in their ovaries to bestow personhood status as an embryo is another example of an arrogant unbeliever mocking God.

A reply to my letter! My heart leapt in my throat- the writer had a strong opening sentence and I couldn’t wait to read the rest!
I clicked, the letter loaded, and I could finally read the rest:

Gordon W. Thompson

Grove, Okla.

…that’s it? No expounding on the point that this is a bad thing? No Bible quotes? No phony-ass passive-aggressive “I will pray for you”?

Just one lousy sentence?

That…that hurts. Damnit, they’ve gotten to me. The arrogant unbeliever is breaking out the old sad face. Here I go... <:(

Speaking of single sentences, Donald A. Miller Sr. has written one of the most beautiful sentences to ever grace the Voices page. Bask in the glory of this sentence:

The croissant-eating wine-drinking liberal pukes can take everything now that we have a foreigner with their mind-set in the White House.

What else can anyone say? It’s perfection. Joplin Globe madness, distilled in a single sentence. It brings a tear to my eye. Well done, Donald. I'm putting away the sad face and breaking out the happy face. :D

Bad Timing

When I read “House rules aim to silence GOP”, I felt deeply for my fellow countrymen. Imagine--to be rendered silent and impotent by the majority! My heart bleeds!

So in support of my fallen brothers and sisters in the Grand Old Party, I pledged to speak for them this day. Let the Republican voice be heard!

Here it is:

“bwap bwap bwap TAX CUTS bwap bwap bwap SOCIALISM bwap bwap bwap ANYTHING BESIDES WAR AND ABSTINENCE FUNDING IS PORK bwap bwap bwap MUSLIMS AND LIBERALS AND QUEERS OH MY bwap bwap bwap”

You’ve just heard the Republican voice! You can now carry on with your sane policy making.

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I realized last night that I started this blog at the worst possible time.

You see, the culture wars are my bread and butter. I probably should have started this blog around 2004-ish, when the opinion pages were buzzing about gay marriage and Ten Commandments plaques and all sorts of crazy stuff.

But nope, I had to wait until the tail-end of the Bush administration, and now that the furor of “OMG BLACK MUSLIM PRESIDENT” is wearing thin, everyone’s talking about economics.

Unfortunately for you, dear readers, I know as much about money as a dog knows about standardized English.

Of course, a dog knows some words; like “walk”, “no”, and “food”. Likewise, I know that corporations aren’t human beings, that it’s kind of stupid to tax people in an inversely proportional way to their wealth, and that the “Going Galt” people are not visionary hard-working assholes, but mere assholes.

On a day like today I can't offer much in the way of commentary besides "Dan Walters wrote this, and this guy's supporting The Douchey Professor, and that's all you need to know." Sorry, folks. The day will come when someone will start writing about Noah’s Ark in Turkey and the wholesome goodness of the Confederate flag again.

When that day comes, I WILL BE THERE.

Try the Intertubes!

Do you think that Douglas K. Tope is trying to subtly accuse Obama of being a Kenyan Muslim born in India? Or is he sincere?

I take issue with the commentator's charge of "LOL computer illiteracy". There's a chance he wants a fresh voice we haven't heard before; a local soul who has memories that can't be found on your fancy Wikipedias and your Googles and such.

Or he may just be some clueless old-fashioned gomer after all. I dunno.

Results are in!

It's been two days, which is the max time I allow myself to care about comment threads on joplinglobe.com. Let's tally those turkey burgers!

Me- four turkey burgers (I'm including one guy who I know reads this blog but forgot the turkey burger rule. Also, myself.)

Dan- A whopping back-breaking ZERO. Tough break kid.

An aside on comments: Attention Joplin Blog web designers, is their any way you can revise the comments system so it's more coherent? Like maybe make people register so there's no more sock puppetry* and anonymous comments? How about a thread function so you can comment on a certain person's comment? How about axing the whole "tiny frame and text" thing . Please?

Just suggestions. Feel free to ignore. Good job otherwise.

Anyway, to celebrate my victory, enjoy this great Crowell basher by Harry Gardner. Hopefully more and more people will realize how futile it is to reason with her, and resort to gentle mockery instead.

*Note: I am SO GUILTY of sock puppetry you don't even know. I've been trying to cut down.**
**Before you ask, NO I DID NOT ENGAGE IN SOCK PUPPETRY DURING THE TURKEY BURGER POLL.

Go Fighting Globeans!

First off, I'd like to congratulate the Globe editors on retooling my food-stained napkin scribblings into something halfway coherent. When I write my blogposts I have a proofreading lemur (it's one of those really smart lemurs, okay?) at my disposal. I was worried that, without that luxury, the staff would be completely flummoxed by my strings of swear words and textspeak. Give them a big hand for their hard work and patience!

And wouldn't you know it? Some other dweeb wrote a similar "look at the positions of the other side, aren't they a scream!" letter, from the opposite side. BOO! HISS!

Who's the victor here- Dan Walters with his dripping sarcasm and way cooler title (seriously, "philosophizing rascals" is the best title ever, no contest), or me, with my excess verbiage and killer looks? Since I'm too lazy to to put a poll up, let's do it like this- if you like my letter better, say so on my letter's comment page. If you like Dan "the Dope" Walters more, say so on his comment page.

And to exclude those who aren't aware of the poll, be sure to work the phrase "turkey burgers" into your comment so we know who sent ya.

Have fun, kids!

I Challenge You to a Non Sequitur-Off!

Have I compared Jim Keener to Steve Goebel in the past? If I haven't I must point out that Keener out-goebeled Goebel today. I mean, what the hell? What. The Hell.
What the hell what the hell what the hell.

Is it a comment on air pollution? A scathing critique of Exxon-Mobil? A sharp jab at the business practices of American automotive industries ? Maybe he just found the joke on his Laff-A-Day desk calendar and simply had to share it?

I didn't know you could just rip out a page from your daughter's "Gross Jokes for Kids!" book, add some sentences that erect a pale façade of a point, and then get it published in the newspaper.

"What can you get at the new McDonald's that's green on the inside, white on the outside, and hops? A frog sandwich. When you think about it, they've gotta be kidding us."

Or maybe, just maybe, the joke is on us. THINK ABOUT IT DUDE.

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Meanwhile, I have a bone to pick with Kathy Heger, or at least the first two sentences. Graham's artcle was basically a giant stringy shit on the Republican noise machine. That's what we call "partisanship", not "bipartisanship."

Unless "bipartisanship" is a sneaky new euphemism. I hope so. I'm really sick of each side pretending they care what the other side has to say. It's pathetically phony.

Also, stop trying to reason with the Crowellmiester! We love her just the way she is.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

You know what's awesome? Full mobility of your arms is awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ft3xuGv3d08

(bah I can't embed videos)

I was so stoked I even sent an actual letter to the Globe instead of slinking around in the inky shadows of cyberspace, angrily mumbling to myself. Time will tell if this was or was not a horrible idea.

Back in college I had a classmate who I affectionately dubbed Sabrina the Catholic Witch. She was this old chain smoking woman who didn't let her Catholic faith interfere with her tarot card reading and other myriad wacky New Age beliefs. Imagine Rita Crowell and your average freshman Wicca convert having a drunken tryst and somehow siring a child. She was very patronizing and quite possibly a compulsive liar.* The worst part was that she took her beliefs VERY SERIOUSLY, which was compounded by the fact that her belief system was a nightmare hybrid of two mutually exclusive but equally obnoxious religions. You didn't know when she would solemnly agree with you or when she go completely apeshit as you danced between the two.

Anyway, this letter reminded me of her. Although this guy doesn't really sound that bad. I just found the blend of vegetarianism and Catholicism jarring. And I really wanted to share dirt about my goofy classmates. Next up- mumbling Libertarian serial killer man!

Meanwhile, reading this letter I realized that I didn't recognize two of the famous people in the list of Famous People Who Weren't Killers. A thought crossed my mind- did Charles C. Smith have trouble coming up with people to honor that weren't squeaky clean enough to prove his point?

Then I thought, "maybe I'm just stupid."

However, then I thought, "Hey! Didn't my man Truman dropped a fucking atomic bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki?"

Then I was like, "You know what? Whatever." And then I played Syberia for two hours and fell asleep.

*she was engaged to at least five millionaires, but she rejected them all because they were all drug addicts, and married a trucker instead. For serious you guys.

Rudy, dude...

...you know I enjoy chortling over the fact that the Repubs have to compromise their core schtick and embrace progressive trappings in order to survive as much as you do.

That being said, please get your facts straight.

Also, "a bigot and a racist", is a pinch redundant.

Also also, while non-whites and women are currently accepted by the Republicans as tokens, they're still pretending that their gay members don't exist. Log Cabin Republicans anyone?

I quibble because I love. And hate. And are indifferent to. Hell, I just like to quibble regardless of the situation or persons involved.

Team I-Don't-Give-a-Damn-About-Twilight

Yesterday I asked for more leftist fare than usual. Ask and ye shall receive.

Ed Goebel is apparently a misanthrope like myself; the only difference between him and I is I don't think he's aware of it. There's also a pinch of misogyny; you will not find nary of whiff of the real issue at stake (bodily autonomy, kids, write it down). Instead it's all about overpopulation. Although overpopulation is a concern in its own right, when you fail to make women's rights the number one priority regarding abortion it makes your philosophy little different than that of China's, or even your home-grown pro-lifers for that matter.

Also note that according to Ed, women should only reproduce on a sliding scale proportional to how patriarchy-correct they are. Single mothers are allowed X amount of kids, while those comfortably situated in a June Cleaver nuclear family are allowed X+ children. Choice in the matter? What do you think you are, an autonomous being that doesn't deserve to be chastised?

Meanwhile, Crowell's fresh out of Harry Potter and Golden Compass, so she's settling for the next best thing. She forgot the bullet point that said "one instance, lasting the whole of the book, of badly written wish fulfillment."

Thou shalt remember Glenn Beck's time slot, and keep it holy.

First off: I know I missed a bunch of letters, including some good ones, bad ones and ones advocating vigilante dogkillers. I've been fucking around with my new computer been really busy with stuff.

You know what I hate? When someone criticizes something, and then you criticize their criticism, and suddenly the other person's all like "Oh, you're trying to silence dissent! What do you have against criticism, Herr Comrade Censorpuss?"

Don't you hate that? It's complete horsecrap and you both know it, but the other dude pretends not to because he's a disingenuous little weasel. If anything, you like criticism twice as much as the other person, since you criticized his critique. It's a double critique; a metacritique.

Anyway, today's letter has a good example of that (last two sentences- the rest of the letter is just the straws that the Republicans grasped during the election). It's a response to this guest column, which was not only not crazy but delivered some much needed mental sucker punches to the Know-Nothing readership.

Mr. Ronald Eurit , let me bring you up to speed. No one is censoring you. They are just calling you a hypocritical pig-ignorant dumbfuck. There is a difference.

The concept of the Fairness Doctrine (which isn't really as "equal-timey" as either side would have you believe; google it!) terrifies conservatives, and I love it. It shows how much they REALLY like criticism.

Finally, check it: the second sentence does the "YOUR president" thing again! Geez!

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Speaking of the Fairness Doctrine, what does it have to do with Christianity? I must've missed that commandment.

Of course, I've been asking the same thing about abortion, but they've been ignoring me and that pesky Exodus 21:22.

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Military stress causing suicides? Blame Clinton.

Damnit, I thought this was a new progressive era. When are the leftwing nuts going to start writing in? I want someone advocating Atlantis or UFOs, or something!

Hate More, Earn More

Rita Crowell knows who's to blame for the bad economy. Is it the banks, overly eager to lend money? Average Joes and Janes, spending money that they don't have?

Nope! It's the damn queers!

Up until this point I didn't realize that financial security was inversely proportional to how evil you were. This explains why Rita Crowell is the richest person in the entire midwestern United States.

I also wonder what the poor straight people did to deserve to be sunk with the money grubbing butt pirates. Maybe they didn't beat up enough queeros with baseball bats, or gang rape enough lesbians, or split up enough families for no goddamn reason.

But seriously though, I fucking hate these people and wish they would die. Hey, maybe if we all hate homobigots and worthless GOP scumbags with all our might, the economy will right itself! That is what Rita was saying would help, right? More hatred?

Do you know what YOUR PRESIDENT did today?!?

Ok, I think we've reached the point where anybody who doesn't have an extreme dislike of GWB probably has to have a man from the county come by to tie their shoes for them every morning, and text alerts every hour to remind them to blink.

That being said, there was one thing about him that I always empathized with: his horrific oratory skills. I mean, I KNOW he was the president and good oration should have been a requirement, but I always felt a twinge of sympathy for him whenever somebody brought up "Is our children learning?" and had a good laugh at his expense.

Because if you think that's bad, you ought to hear ME talk sometime. I make Dubya look like Patrick Henry. Seriously, I sang "Fee Tines a Mady" years before I ever saw that skit on SNL. Touch your tongue on an electric fence and then read a badly translated fortune cookie out loud and you'll get a close approximation of my public speaking skills.

Why am I telling you this? Because today's obnoxiously pedantic letter by Joy O'Toole reminded me of it. Curiously, she DOESN'T mention Bush while listing world leaders with speech problems; I would think she's save ink just by saying, "Bush fans should NOT mock the oratory skills of others. BIYATCH".

MEANWHILE, Dan Walters has a charmingly useless alternative to a smoking ban: cutesy signs! I know whenever I read a patronizing bumper sticker or needlepoint hanging on the wall, the message pierces my cold sinful heart like an icicle.

For example, my grandmother used to have a wooden sign that said "Back Door Guests Are Best." I was shamed, SHAMED! into using the back door. By that I mean, homosexual experimentation. THANKS GRANDMA! But I digress...

Finally, I've noticed that there's a lot of people out there (namely on FOX Network) reluctant to the idea of President Obama, manifested in their reluctance to refer to him as "President Obama". Today's anti-choicer actually did the "do you know what YOUR SON did today?!?" ploy.

Yes, Barack Obama is my president. HE'S YOUR PRESIDENT TOO.

PRESIDENT OBAMA
PRESIDENT OBAMA
PRESIDENT OBAMA

Belated Blog for Choice Day

Don'tchoo know? Yesterday was Blog for Choice day. The theme was "what is your top pro-choice hope for President Obama and/or the new Congress?"

Here I go!

Abolish ab-ed funding, ditto for crisis pregnancy centers, get rid of the fucking conscience clause and make the anti-healthcare people abstain from healthcare careers, get rid of that Global Gag Rule (oh hey nevermind thanks man!) FOCA, and ERA if we've got the time.

Ding dang done.

Now that's out of the way, let's segue into the letters! Figures that the Globe would wait a day before posting a trio of letters relating to reproductive health and slut shaming.

First off we have Gwen Hunt's anti- abstinence ed argument, framed for Southwest Missourian consumption. How? Instead of leading on the fact that IT DOESN'T WORK, focus on the fact that it's not the federal government's responsibility. That's the conservative's line, which is sure to cause a glitch in the neocon padawan's mind. They haven't mastered the cognitive dissonance skills of their mentors, you see.

Second we have David Ship who almost! ALMOST! got the right idea (it's up to the people to reduce abortion), but then immediatly shoots it all down. We don't need a shame police- we need a shame MILITIA!

Step #4 had me rolling, since he readily admits that not blaming women is a new and radical concept for him--

"This is a new one, at least for me to advocate. Stop blaming the young woman as if she did it herself. It takes two to bring a child into this world. It is in one body, but two people brought it about. Let the young men know it is their fault too. Cast blame gently; firmly, but gently. You may only create a bigger problem by getting mean-spirited. But both parents are at fault."

We were hoping, by adopting an egalitarian outlook, that you'd stop blaming BOTH parties and knock it off with the puritanical nuttiness. You take what you can get I guess.

Notice the complete absence of what to do if a woman needs an abortion to, y'know, NOT DIE. I imagine he forgot that. What do you want from him? He's concerned about LIFE, damn it!

David Shipp may be bowing to our feminist overlords by not advocating government seizure of lady parts, but Rita Crowell is still kickin' it old school.

OBAAAAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Still busted up. However, this day I couldn't help but be cheery despite missing all the inauguration festivities while languishing in a dreary waiting room all afternoon.



Quote of the day -- "Griffith talks to Republicans like they were dumb by nature, but the deepest thing in our nature is the dumb region of the heart where we vote for our families and our beliefs, not whether a person is black or white." --- Dan Walters, going NUH UH WE ARE NOT RACIST.

DA PAIN PART 2

I have newfound respect for those souls who suffer a crippling injury or illness and are described by their friends and family as not being ones to wallow in self-pity or bitterness. I say this because I'm suffering a comparatively minor injury right now and OH MY GOD I AM SO FUCKING BITTER AND FULL OF IMPOTENT RAGE RIGHT NOW.

Let's try and be positive, shall we?

One bright spot in my day was this letter dissing the Oppositeer. I need to feature more snarky, intentionally funny Globean letters. They're there. Sometimes.

DA PAIN.

Due to my being a colossal dumbfuck, I've managed to grievously injure myself. So expect light posts for the next six weeks, at least.

Here's your letters. Talk among yourselves.

Happy New Year!

Ring in the new with this delectably nonsensical offering from Steve Goebel.

"Abortion is illegal, except where it isn't. Those people need to outlaw it because it's illegal, darn it!"

Witness the very picture of circular reasoning. And rambling reasoning. And non-reasoning...reasoning.

Also, you want to see what defensive bitter white people look like? You've probably seen it before, but if you want a refresher, read the comments on this Sunday column here.